Mother says, "Don't be fooled by a shiny ring"
I interject, as I motion to my own,
"Or a bare finger,
or a closed fist that's been hurt, it won't open to give or
it will bleed," yet as it does
I wipe it clean, so they won't see,
Enough
Of what's below the surface.
They think I'm pretending to be perfect
when I'm simply Confused
at how someone can think I'm worth it,
When even family denies me...
But you say you see the real me ,
the angel inside me;
Though my wings were stolen
Between the ages of 8 and 10,
And the ones closest to me
became wolves, and then
I couldn't trust again.
I'm Sheepish at the thought of trusting again.
Angry with how she didn't believe me,
and this anger has lived with me for years.
And years later, my heart fell in love once,
And it was beaten , bruised, battered
by the same one,
And I learned easily, it was better to lie--
better to pretend I was fine,
to hide inside my work
And try to find my worth
as I filled pages in empty books with my own hurt words.
I've been looking for the me that was once was,
AND then
You found me--
Reminded me I'm lovely
That yes, you do, without a doubt,
Love me
How could this be?
Because, to be honest, I'm scared of what they think of me,
of us,
Maybe they'll convince you
That I'm not what you say I am.
They judge me.
Mercilessly, without knowing my story
Yet you willingly
let them think you're a fool for staying beside me,
for loving me beyond my broken glory.
But you do know me
And somehow, you still think I'm lovely.
You firmly believe that my ugly past is a part of me that will not control me,
You choose to console me,
You desire to love me.
You Still want to hold me
Even when I
push and scream and cry
With a rude and mean reply
"Leave ME alone!"
Yet I couldn't even lie
That is furthest from the truth,
see, the little girl inside
Is bitter and been imbibed
With darker brittle lies
From even my mother who denies
My truth:
thatiwasmolestedinmyyouth,
deniedtherighttoknowafatherwhowouldhaveleftmeanyway,
and that I grew depressed enough
to actively seek solace in the solemn embrace of strangers.
so much so, that one got close enough to trust,
and I entrusted him with my innocence,
and he returned to me his grievances
through closed fists.
I mistook his passions for love.
My mistake.
I relished in the danger,
Thinking there would be no consequences later;
yet, through the years,three men had the nerve to think
That because they had served me a drink
They deserved a right reserved only for my (true love) missing link;
Instead they tattoed their crime on my body with indelible ink.
I'm left scarred ,
FROMHANDSTHATFORCEDMEASANOBJECT...
My favorite color is red
Scarlet
These flames burn in my head
Too Real,
like a movie rated R yet,
The pain replays
And I'm now forced to make a choice
Like Neo, The One
I choose is
to
know
the
Truth
& here, I AM, years later
And truth is, i still don't know how to love
But I'm not afraid anymore.
Because You Love Me
You Say I Am Lovely
And I AM believing again.
Especially because you've been hurt too
Yet in your embrace, I am reminded
Of how "Home" is supposed to feel
Your hands never hurt me.
Your lips drip sweet honey,
With Words that enrich my soul.
Your eyes speak as well,
With words only your heart could tell,
And my own begins to swell,
With a song of hope--
Freedom
To love beyond the pain To find love of self within my pain
TO KNOW LOVE IS LOUDER THAN PAIN.
I'm finally listening
& I will believe you every time
You remind me
I'm Lovely
I'm Lovely
You Love me
And that makes
all the difference.
