to A Void

These are letters to a void

To fill this void

So hurt by the man I've enjoined 

Missing the times you and i enjoyed

Though brief

And brute

My thoughts are with you

I wish we did things differently

I wish you well

Sometimes,  i miss you still 

But just the memories

Keep them warm for us

As my heart never knows who to trust

Good bye again though

You forgot to say hello

Body, Anew

today my professor told me
every cell in our entire body
is destroyed and replaced
every seven years.

how comforting it is to know
one day i will have a body
you will have never touched

-written Dec 5, 2014

Candle in the Night

wishing it was all a bad dream;
how the beauty gets lost in between
the many mouths that point dirty fingers with words
so harsh, so unclean

but our hearts still burn, bright 
amidst the Fading candle Light,
and I am reminded that
Love conquers every plight.

We will win The Good Fight,

& There is no need to fear the long night.

Lovely (a poem)

Life is a curious thing. 
Mother says, "Don't be fooled by a shiny ring"
I interject, as I motion to my own,
"Or a bare finger, 
or a closed fist that's been hurt, it won't open to give or 
it will bleed,"  yet as it does
I wipe it clean, so they won't see, 
Enough
Of what's below the surface.
They think I'm pretending to be perfect
when I'm simply Confused 
at how someone can think I'm worth it,
When even family denies me...

But you say you see the real me , 
the angel inside me;
Though my wings were stolen
Between the ages of 8 and 10,
And the ones closest to me 
became wolves, and then
I couldn't trust again.
I'm Sheepish at the thought of trusting again.

Angry with how she didn't believe me,
and this anger has lived with me for years. 

And years later, my heart fell in love once,
And it was beaten , bruised, battered 
by the same one,
And I learned easily, it was better to lie-- 
better to pretend I was fine,
to hide inside my work 
And try to find my worth 
as I filled pages in empty books with my own hurt words. 

I've been looking for the me that was once was,
AND then
You found me--

Reminded me I'm lovely
That yes,  you do,  without a doubt,  
Love me
How could this be?

Because, to be honest, I'm scared of what they think of me,
of us,
Maybe they'll convince you 
That I'm not what you say I am.
They judge me.
Mercilessly, without knowing my story
Yet you willingly
let them think you're a fool for staying beside me,
for loving me beyond my broken glory. 

But you do know me 
And somehow, you still think I'm lovely.
You firmly believe that my ugly past is a part of me that will not control me,  
You choose to console me,
You desire to love me.

You Still want to hold me 

Even when I 
push and scream and cry 
With a rude and mean reply
"Leave ME alone!" 
Yet I couldn't even lie
That is furthest from the truth,
see, the little girl inside
Is bitter and been imbibed 
With darker brittle lies
From even my mother who denies 
My truth:

thatiwasmolestedinmyyouth,
deniedtherighttoknowafatherwhowouldhaveleftmeanyway,
and that I grew depressed enough 
to actively seek solace in the solemn embrace of strangers. 
so much so, that one got close enough to trust,
and I entrusted him with my innocence,
and he returned to me his grievances 
through closed fists.
I mistook his passions for love.
My mistake.

I relished in the danger, 
Thinking there would be no consequences later; 
yet, through the years,three men had the nerve to think 
That because they had served me a drink  
They deserved a right reserved only for my (true love) missing link;
Instead they tattoed their crime on my body with indelible ink.

I'm left scarred , 
FROMHANDSTHATFORCEDMEASANOBJECT...
My favorite color is red
Scarlet
These flames burn in my head
Too Real, 
like a movie rated R yet,
The pain replays
And I'm now forced to make a choice
Like Neo,  The One
I choose is 
to 
know 
the 
Truth


& here, I AM,  years later
And truth is, i still don't know how to love
But I'm not afraid anymore.

Because You Love Me
You Say I Am Lovely

And I AM believing again.


Especially because you've been hurt too
Yet in your embrace, I am reminded 
Of how "Home" is supposed to feel

Your hands never hurt me.
Your lips drip sweet honey, 
With Words that enrich my soul.
Your eyes speak as well,
With words only your heart could tell,
And my own begins to swell,
With a song of hope--
Freedom

To love beyond the pain 
To find love of self within my pain
TO KNOW LOVE IS LOUDER THAN PAIN.

I'm finally listening
& I will believe you every time 
You remind me
I'm Lovely
I'm Lovely

You Love me

And that makes 
all the difference. 

Beyond pixels and protests

I hate scrolling
But it's become a habit
Hands fidgeting , I can't sit still
Peace is distant, my mind won't have it
Swipe through the screen
I see your life
As what you care to share;
My eyes blood shot between
The day and the night
Of what replays on sight
In site
Off sight or off shore
So rich with knowledge
Yet socializing has become poor

My ten year old cousin wears makeup on Instagram
And your opinions are now facts
And facts can now be changed
And reality is moving too fast
For any words to contain
The silent scream of our hearts
But we enjoy the brush of pain
As long as its for our entertainment

But still,  I persist
In the belief that Love exists
So palpable
Beyond pixels and protests
Love,
That which is true,
Demands us to Approach it

Love,  as it is, with no containment

Let us never forget
Of simpler times
Where holding hands
Was special
And a listening ear
Was vital

For words are fleeting
And memories are meant to be lived first

Burned with Heaven's Light

I walk these lands, the grounds now barren--

the flowers withered; a stench of despair

hangs, heavy, in the air.

All before my eyes, my brothers and sisters are dying.

They lay asleep in the wake of broken dreams,

and learned helplessness.

"Awake," I shout, "Awake my beloved kin!"

But the light cannot be seen in their eyes; Their brightness has been stolen.

But I walk, with the marks of wonder in my bones,

and the air of eternity on my breath--

"Arise!" I shout again, 

yet my words fall flat on their deaf ears.

These melodies from my mouth are not recognized.

The darkness may have taken root, but it cannot win.

I have stared the devil in his eyes and this is what I saw:

Fear..

of never knowing Love.

And I heard this fallen angel laugh at my Light, the stench of death whispered from his lips.

I closed my eyes as my heart burned with Heaven's Light.

I was reminded of the Strength that blazed in my soul, a fire that can only illuminate.

The darkness can only win if you forget The Eternal Hope

and I was reminded of Victory.

See, my Hope, it is inextinguishable.

And because of this, I walk these lands, unafraid of what I've seen or of what's to come.

These lands are my heart, tattered and torn, scarred and scorned,

 and this world is at War,

Yet, Love, remains my Victory.

These scars remind me: the hurt will come, but it will heal;

These are the duties of the heart, to feel and fight.

And so, we Awake again. We rise again.

The flames now burn with a different purpose.

The flames no longer damage, rather, they refine,

and my light shines,
piercing through the darkness.

From these ashes, I rise.

I rise.

As a phoenix, bold and beautiful, I rise.

As a warrior, beloved and brave, I rise.

As a fire, blazing and brilliant, I rise.

This light will shine eternal.

And I am no longer afraid of This Light.

The Heart's Attribute

A Heart is a strong muscle.

It has the sole purpose 

of filling every other part of you.

We have attributed this to be Emotion.

Blood is thicker than Water.

Blood is but more than a flicker 

in the eyes of an enamored daughter.

Like the liquor once prohibited,

it comes back by popular demand,

and when it does,

it is
Quicker than The Slaughter

and Harder than the Silence.

It is All-Consuming as the Sun, 

and a newness becomes visible --
piercing, full-fledged, and sweet;

and this Light can be blinding.
But as the heart does,
we adjust

and move with It

as It moves us.

And we can only dare to say Its name
if we trust.

Closure

This one took a while to write
partly because it took a while to realize

I thought I still loved you
I thought I still needed you
I thought I still wanted you

But time helped me realize I was only lying to myself,
keeping myself from experiencing happiness again

And then it happened
We reconnected
Or so it seemed
because there was really no connection anymore..

Perhaps that is sad
Perhaps the past can still have a glimmer of beauty to it
Perhaps who you were when we first met will continue to live on in my memory

But it was today that I realized the past is
insurmountably
non-existent

And I am so relieved

I am ready to live again
Today
Every day
Every moment
In every beautiful, God-given way.

Thank you for letting me see--

I have always deserved better.

Autumn

I remember..

I was riding my bike,
the cool wind kissing my skin,
as the warmth of the sun embraced me,

And I saw it.

I was not expecting it..

but I was not surprised...


the colors

were falling,

gently,
with ease,

with no hesitation
or rush,

simply falling...

And in an instant, I knew.

I knew what it all meant.

And I welcomed this news
as an aged prisoner does
when he hears his chains
loosen
and feels the
cold
confinement

no more,

unsure about what is to come
and unhurried to take that first step
yet unabashed in reveling in the moment...

A smile.. slow-stretching..

A glimmer reignited in his eyes..

this moment would never be the same...
after this moment,
life couldn't be the same..

and

I knew what it all meant.

I smiled, too,
closing my eyes,
and for a small moment,
I found myself

falling in love
with it all.

This moment would always be mine.

and
like my mother's hands,

with the sun-kissed freckles,
and supple undertones
of stories of a life lived with suffering
and love,

when they are held in mine,
I only want to embrace them for all of time

and yet,
unable to grasp that eternity,
I find myself finding joy
in these moments
before the
Beautiful End.

Beyond these changing hours,
this love, this life,
this moment,
will always be ours.

In this moment of Silence

As I slip into this silence..

this moment that is all my own...

with no noise from the outside

save the light drops of rain on my windowpane,

there are many things I notice.

I notice that my heart is still beating.

And that is important because 

it's been almost four years now that

it has been broken.

But it is, beating

steady, without reservations,

unaffected by the world,

and persistent.

And what that means

is that I want to find love again.

I want to love again.

Although I will never stop loving you,

I want to know what love is again--

the kind of love that persists,

unaffected by the world,

without reservations, and is

steady in all situations. 

But I guess,

in my humanity,

I am still drawn to a certain kind of sadness;

reminiscing on the love I used to know

and forgetting on loving myself,

right now in this moment.

Thankfully, life reminds me,

through the light drops of rain,

that even the deepest pain

can be washed away. 

And with the closing of my eyes,

I can focus a little bit more.

I pray.

And I feel peace 

enter my bones,

nestle itself deep in my heart--

even when I didn't think it possible.

It is beautiful

that somehow,

when I take these moments

to let myself feel the pain

and be open to hope,

that peace is never far away.

Love is something 

to be had

at any moment.

Even through the silence.

Even through the rain. 

Love is here.