Can we be made New?

January 3, 2010


How can the person I love consider himself evil? I just had a long conversation with my supposed one and only true love and I was supportive with every bone in my body, as much as it pains my heart, but sometimes you just have to let go of your heart and find some love to give to them, because maybe, just maybe, they need it more. But is that stupid?

We are Christians, and we face a battle every single day. I pray and sometimes I don’t. He sins and sometimes he doesn’t. I love him and sometimes I despise parts of him. He loves me and sometimes wants to smack me, even though he doesn’t (and if there comes a moment when he does, I could never forgive him and I would leave him forever). We forgive and sometimes we don’t, and sometimes we judge others when we know we shouldn’t. But how can I cope when I feel like all my faith has done to me was help others and drain everything out of me, just so that they can have a deep, comforting gasp of fresh air? Where is my relieving breath?

And don’t think that I am saint or an angel, because believe me, I am not. I am jealous; more jealous than any person should be, as I am so jealous that sometimes I feel like taking a certain female and smashing her head against the wall, and then shoving pizza down her throat and watching her choke on the fat she doesn’t have, and this is all because my one and only true love finds her attractive.

Sometimes, I am evil minded. But I know that my sins and that my bad thoughts and my bad deeds come and go. But I also know that the good ones are harder to come by and when they do they make a lasting mark on your heart; It is easy to be bad but you got to work at it to be good. I also know (from my one and only true love) that a small good step can lead to another one.

When hearing the sins that trouble my one and only true love, I miraculously find these words coming to me, words that are so opposite to what I’m feeling: I am feeling hate and immense sadness knowing that what he goes through is something that I cannot really help him with, yet I am finding the words to let him know that I support him. It pains me though because I sit there and look into his beautiful eyes and as I see love and everything I could ever want, I am baffled as to how it is possible for my innocent, one and only, true Love to be corrupt. And the more I think about it, my support for him is verifiable. I actually do support him because I love him more than anything of this earth. I want him to change but to be honest, not for me. I want him to change for him. I want him to finally come across a computer and not once think about the sin that tempts him. I want him to be able to hold my hand and not have a wandering eye at the same time. (The second one is perhaps asking too much, because even I have a wandering eye sometimes.) I want him to grow in his faith and believe that he is not the evil; he is a sweet man with a good heart who just happens to do bad things sometimes. I want him to stop doubting everything and to finally have the confidence to realize that anything is possible if you just believe. I want him to be new. I want myself to be new. I want our relationship to be new. I want us to have a new start.

It is a new year of the earth. It is a new year in our relationship. It is a time for the next new edition of our devotionals. It is a new chance to begin anew. I know in my heart that there will be more times when sorrow creeps at unsuspecting hours and chokes my tears out of me. I know that there will be more times when sin slides under his door and forces his hands into a corrupt state. I know that there will be more times when temptation spreads our faith apart and opens doors that should remain closed until marriage. I know all these things but I keep praying for strength. And slowly but surely, my prayers will be answered because I know God is good.

I pray for God to make this New Year a real new start. I pray for us to want to change, to want to stray from sin and find solace in God’s grace, to support each other when we need it, to come to God when there seems like there can be no more support from each other, to trust that God will be there for us no matter what, and most importantly, I pray for me, for him, for us, to always keep trying and keep getting up no matter how many times we may fall. I know that God’s love is there for us to take if we so choose. And believe me, we choose to consume our beings with God’s love, but sometimes, it feels like such a stretch for our wavering arms and sometimes, it feels completely unable to grasp or sometimes it feels like it is completely gone. Sometimes, we lose sight of our faith. But I know that we just have to open our eyes again and see all the wonders of God’s love; Just wake up on a new day and have a new start.

We are able to change but what is more important is that we are capable of change. We are able to love but what is more important is that we are capable of love. We are able to receive God, but what is more important is that we are capable of receiving Him. What I truly realize is that sin is just a sometimes. But God’s love and grace and forgiveness and mercy and glory and majesty and power and salvation are a forever. With Him and in Him, there is always something new He does in our lives; we just have to be open to His will (If you don’t believe me, read it for yourself… Isaiah 43:18-19).

*Image provided by: http://ysanames.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/white-rose1.jpg