First Impressions

December 3, 2009

I realize that I have a lot to say and that I want someone, anyone out there in the world, to listen; to listen and to really think that I do have something to say and that I should have taken the time to write this down. I don’t know if I’ll ever make a difference in the world or if my words will ever reach anyone in any way, and I say reach as in literally, extending out a hand through these words and allowing them to grab on and find any sort of solace in the seemingly solitude state of society. But the truth is, you are not alone. I care. And I’m hoping You care, too. Every day I go about my daily routines and sometimes I think that it would be best if I were just alone, or if I was never forced to interact with strangers that I don’t necessarily care about, but to be honest, after any sort of interaction, I end up with a smile on my face. I have these amazing days just knowing that I spoke to people, and I mean really spoke to them; I got to share these intimate concerns or bare my soul in a way that most people are afraid of doing. And the best part of my day is when I bare my soul in Prayer. I can say anything I want, knowing that the only entity that can judge me is my Glorious God. In prayers, I can cry in comfort and am consoled just knowing that someone out there is indeed caring, and is definitely listening. Sometimes, that’s all we need. All we need is someone to listen.

So, I want to remember these certain things about the day I moved into college. I was so excited to finally meet my roommate, the beautiful Mexican drama major at Tisch who was Catholic and liked musicals and I thought we were going to be best friends. I was so excited to finally see the suite, which I thought was to be huge and I would have a walk-in closet and I would be able to fit all my little things in this big room and I would be able to have a fabulous view of the city, a panorama if you will, where I would sit daily and write these glorious poems, or stories, or songs, and be completely inspired by all the eccentric experiences that were sure to come from living on my own. So, I’ve had these eccentric experiences, but not exactly how I planned them to be. I never became best friends with the Mexican, because to be honest, I am jealous of her and how pretty she is and how all the hot guys in the city come up to her randomly and take her out on these super expensive dates because it turns out that they are young sugar-daddy’s, and of how thin she is and can look good in anything, and of how my boyfriend, who is struggling with being a good Christian because he is a lustful soul, stares at her and has these sexual thoughts about her, and so that will never work out; I cannot ever be best friends with her, but I do like her. It’s a complicated relationship, only she doesn’t know it.

The suite is actually quite small and I had to get those amazing closet hangers that can fit 5 things on one hanger and this is how I manage to fit all my clothes into the 3 feet width of the closet, and the view from our window is of a Chinese restaurant called “Yummy house” (I’ve never been there because like most Chinese restaurants the name is probably just a lure to get you to go in but you end up with some sort of disease from eating the chicken that is really a cat they trapped in the alley) and a movie theater and if you lean as close to the glass of the window and take a look at the left you can see a semi-nice-looking building that has blue lights at night, but all this doesn’t really inspire me and so I haven’t had much time to write my heart out, as I used to do back home in my tiny Queens apartment while living with my parents.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, living in the city sometimes makes me feel like I’m the hot child they were talking about in that song, but I did expect more. I guess I expected the wrong things, or at least I definitely expected the things that would be the hardest to find in a city that is leaking of sin (or just of things that are too wild for my simple life, if you want to take it another way). I wanted to find people that would stimulate my faith, strengthen my walk with God, and I wanted to find that in every person I met. I’ve never been so committed to my faith before this time, but now, I have this duty in me that strives to reach out to people, but it’s hard to get them to listen sometimes, most of the time. I definitely did not want to have a suitemate who constantly brings over her boyfriend and they have sex on the couch thinking that the rest of us don’t know what’s going on and he cums on the blanket that was covering the dirty old couch, but now it’s dirtier than before. I did expect to have my boyfriend come over a lot and we are not like them so it’s perfectly fine, although I’m sure that isn’t helping my boyfriends’ lustful struggle and it doesn’t help my jealousy issues, and it also doesn’t help our struggle to be abstinent, but we’ve learned to refrain from being in my actual room, so that the physical wall between us serves as the best chastity belt, although I wouldn’t mind wearing one myself and making him wear one too; What ever happened to those?

I live in the best area though, because everything I ever want or need is literally only 1 to 6 blocks away, and if I wanted to be adventurous and venture out into the unknown jungle that is the city, I could just take the subway and reach any destination I so desire. There’s a FedEx drop off station 10 feet away and there’s like three supermarkets one block away and there’s a million places to eat, my favorite one is the 1$ pizza place on St. Marks. But I do miss the nature, because everything is just stores stores stores and I do wish there was a nice park nearer than Central Park, which is just an oasis of nature out of place in the big city, if you really think about it.

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