December 9, 2009
What gives power to our words? Is it the conviction within our beings and the utter dimensionality that we add ourselves, or is it the certain diction we portray?—for in portraying a certain persona by the use of certain words, that does not necessarily mean it is an actual representation of who we are. Then again, what are they but mere words? What are we but a mere portrayal?
I am pondering over this subject as I try to take on one of the most difficult aspirations ever attributed to words, that being “forgiveness.” In Christian theology, the ideal of forgiveness is represented by Jesus Christ as he was nailed to the cross and as he acknowledged the necessity of his death because he died for the sins and sinners of the world in order to unleash the ultimate forgiveness, something that will forever overshadow men and the words of men, as no man or word of man can ever compare to that ultimate sacrifice. Yet, we try. For the most part… although there is that vast group of people who do not believe in such a thing as “forgiveness.”
I, unfortunately or fortunately (however you decided to take it), do. I believe with all my heart that forgiveness is something that is hidden within our beings, likened to the darkness of our souls, always waiting for and excited for its final outing into the light of our words to shine its beacon of hope and redemption on the forgiven. Of course, things like forgiveness, and refraining from succumbing to the societal aggrandizements of things like smoking or sex, are always easier said than done. Yet, we try. For the most part… although some from that vast group of people prefer to stick to the safety and security of social acceptance.
However, when I think about where I stand as an individual, I do realize that society can be a weight with so much pressure and tension on your back and shoulders and knees, that sometimes you can easily fall under it all, confused and conformed; although I know this, I continue to try everyday to truly advocate and enact what I believe in (which is something you learn as a child and so I do not know why some people forget it): Always be yourself.
I am me. And what that means is that I cry and am emotionally sensitive; I laugh at extremely stupid and “corny” jokes; I eat more than I should and force myself to get to the gym because I know that I eat more than I should; I study hard and work hard, and yet I do not get a lot of time to play hard; I pray every day and make time for my Glorious God so as to recognize all the wonders in my life, from the air I breathe to the steps I take; I am jealous; I am selfish; I am weak at times and strong at times; I am unsure of my label (whether Catholic or Protestant), but I am certain that I am a Christian; I am open-minded yet extremely opinionated and not always quick to accept; I am quick to judge; I am a singer at heart yet lack the amazing voice; I am a writer and strive to be a better one everyday; I am a big sister; I am a daughter and a step-daughter; I am loyal to my friends, perhaps too loyal; I am gullible; I am passionate; I try to forgive. I am me.
Of course there is so much more to me, as I am sure there is so much to every individual on the entire earth, but the focus here is that I know that I am a mix of contradictions, an array of emotions and every single thing about me may be shared by another, but the way that I portray all these things are unique to my person. So, what makes you, you?
Do not consider for a moment that I have strayed away from “forgiveness,” although it may seem that way. However, know this: forgiveness is of the person, originates from the person, and affects the person, as it is heard, embraced, and uplifted by the receiving person. Mutual recognition of forgiveness is key, for when that is attained, all doors are unlocked and one can step through the barriers of life and into the light of the day, realizing that all is okay once again.
Almost five years have passed since I have talked to my best friend from high school. She is (as she is still this way in my memory) a shy, thin, depressed Dominican with a troubled life; She is scared of herself and dreams of being another; She is someone that I can relate to and she is someone that I miss, especially recently, for those five years have passed without a single flicker of her in my memory. And now, for some strange reason unknown to my being, I am impelled to ask for forgiveness although I am not sure from what. I am itched with this idea of resuming our relationship which did not necessarily stop, but what I believe was just paused. I remember our inside jokes, how long our conversations were, and what surprises me the most is that I remember her voice and her laughter. These images pain my heart, knowing that because of truly stupid reasons did our friendship pause—or stop, I am not really sure anymore.
I want to see how she has been, to hear about how she has changed and about her new experiences in life. I want to share everything about me as well, because I know that she would care, after a while at least. I wonder if we would be the same as we were before. Would time have caused a schism in her memory? If so, could I possibly reconnect our friendship, our friendship that was so strong? We said we would last “Forever and two days after the end of time” and that we were sisters for life and that “our mother” must have been a whore because she gave birth to two filthy mutts, and we were okay with that.
I want to speak. I want to see. I want to know. But, I cannot. Perhaps, in addition to everything I already am, I am a coward, too.
*Image provided by: http://www.christinepeloquin.com/Graphics/images/figures%20images/forgiveness.jpg
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