to A Void

These are letters to a void

To fill this void

So hurt by the man I've enjoined 

Missing the times you and i enjoyed

Though brief

And brute

My thoughts are with you

I wish we did things differently

I wish you well

Sometimes,  i miss you still 

But just the memories

Keep them warm for us

As my heart never knows who to trust

Good bye again though

You forgot to say hello

Body, Anew

today my professor told me
every cell in our entire body
is destroyed and replaced
every seven years.

how comforting it is to know
one day i will have a body
you will have never touched

-written Dec 5, 2014

Candle in the Night

wishing it was all a bad dream;
how the beauty gets lost in between
the many mouths that point dirty fingers with words
so harsh, so unclean

but our hearts still burn, bright 
amidst the Fading candle Light,
and I am reminded that
Love conquers every plight.

We will win The Good Fight,

& There is no need to fear the long night.

Lovely (a poem)

Life is a curious thing. 
Mother says, "Don't be fooled by a shiny ring"
I interject, as I motion to my own,
"Or a bare finger, 
or a closed fist that's been hurt, it won't open to give or 
it will bleed,"  yet as it does
I wipe it clean, so they won't see, 
Enough
Of what's below the surface.
They think I'm pretending to be perfect
when I'm simply Confused 
at how someone can think I'm worth it,
When even family denies me...

But you say you see the real me , 
the angel inside me;
Though my wings were stolen
Between the ages of 8 and 10,
And the ones closest to me 
became wolves, and then
I couldn't trust again.
I'm Sheepish at the thought of trusting again.

Angry with how she didn't believe me,
and this anger has lived with me for years. 

And years later, my heart fell in love once,
And it was beaten , bruised, battered 
by the same one,
And I learned easily, it was better to lie-- 
better to pretend I was fine,
to hide inside my work 
And try to find my worth 
as I filled pages in empty books with my own hurt words. 

I've been looking for the me that was once was,
AND then
You found me--

Reminded me I'm lovely
That yes,  you do,  without a doubt,  
Love me
How could this be?

Because, to be honest, I'm scared of what they think of me,
of us,
Maybe they'll convince you 
That I'm not what you say I am.
They judge me.
Mercilessly, without knowing my story
Yet you willingly
let them think you're a fool for staying beside me,
for loving me beyond my broken glory. 

But you do know me 
And somehow, you still think I'm lovely.
You firmly believe that my ugly past is a part of me that will not control me,  
You choose to console me,
You desire to love me.

You Still want to hold me 

Even when I 
push and scream and cry 
With a rude and mean reply
"Leave ME alone!" 
Yet I couldn't even lie
That is furthest from the truth,
see, the little girl inside
Is bitter and been imbibed 
With darker brittle lies
From even my mother who denies 
My truth:

thatiwasmolestedinmyyouth,
deniedtherighttoknowafatherwhowouldhaveleftmeanyway,
and that I grew depressed enough 
to actively seek solace in the solemn embrace of strangers. 
so much so, that one got close enough to trust,
and I entrusted him with my innocence,
and he returned to me his grievances 
through closed fists.
I mistook his passions for love.
My mistake.

I relished in the danger, 
Thinking there would be no consequences later; 
yet, through the years,three men had the nerve to think 
That because they had served me a drink  
They deserved a right reserved only for my (true love) missing link;
Instead they tattoed their crime on my body with indelible ink.

I'm left scarred , 
FROMHANDSTHATFORCEDMEASANOBJECT...
My favorite color is red
Scarlet
These flames burn in my head
Too Real, 
like a movie rated R yet,
The pain replays
And I'm now forced to make a choice
Like Neo,  The One
I choose is 
to 
know 
the 
Truth


& here, I AM,  years later
And truth is, i still don't know how to love
But I'm not afraid anymore.

Because You Love Me
You Say I Am Lovely

And I AM believing again.


Especially because you've been hurt too
Yet in your embrace, I am reminded 
Of how "Home" is supposed to feel

Your hands never hurt me.
Your lips drip sweet honey, 
With Words that enrich my soul.
Your eyes speak as well,
With words only your heart could tell,
And my own begins to swell,
With a song of hope--
Freedom

To love beyond the pain 
To find love of self within my pain
TO KNOW LOVE IS LOUDER THAN PAIN.

I'm finally listening
& I will believe you every time 
You remind me
I'm Lovely
I'm Lovely

You Love me

And that makes 
all the difference. 

Beyond pixels and protests

I hate scrolling
But it's become a habit
Hands fidgeting , I can't sit still
Peace is distant, my mind won't have it
Swipe through the screen
I see your life
As what you care to share;
My eyes blood shot between
The day and the night
Of what replays on sight
In site
Off sight or off shore
So rich with knowledge
Yet socializing has become poor

My ten year old cousin wears makeup on Instagram
And your opinions are now facts
And facts can now be changed
And reality is moving too fast
For any words to contain
The silent scream of our hearts
But we enjoy the brush of pain
As long as its for our entertainment

But still,  I persist
In the belief that Love exists
So palpable
Beyond pixels and protests
Love,
That which is true,
Demands us to Approach it

Love,  as it is, with no containment

Let us never forget
Of simpler times
Where holding hands
Was special
And a listening ear
Was vital

For words are fleeting
And memories are meant to be lived first

Burned with Heaven's Light

I walk these lands, the grounds now barren--

the flowers withered; a stench of despair

hangs, heavy, in the air.

All before my eyes, my brothers and sisters are dying.

They lay asleep in the wake of broken dreams,

and learned helplessness.

"Awake," I shout, "Awake my beloved kin!"

But the light cannot be seen in their eyes; Their brightness has been stolen.

But I walk, with the marks of wonder in my bones,

and the air of eternity on my breath--

"Arise!" I shout again, 

yet my words fall flat on their deaf ears.

These melodies from my mouth are not recognized.

The darkness may have taken root, but it cannot win.

I have stared the devil in his eyes and this is what I saw:

Fear..

of never knowing Love.

And I heard this fallen angel laugh at my Light, the stench of death whispered from his lips.

I closed my eyes as my heart burned with Heaven's Light.

I was reminded of the Strength that blazed in my soul, a fire that can only illuminate.

The darkness can only win if you forget The Eternal Hope

and I was reminded of Victory.

See, my Hope, it is inextinguishable.

And because of this, I walk these lands, unafraid of what I've seen or of what's to come.

These lands are my heart, tattered and torn, scarred and scorned,

 and this world is at War,

Yet, Love, remains my Victory.

These scars remind me: the hurt will come, but it will heal;

These are the duties of the heart, to feel and fight.

And so, we Awake again. We rise again.

The flames now burn with a different purpose.

The flames no longer damage, rather, they refine,

and my light shines,
piercing through the darkness.

From these ashes, I rise.

I rise.

As a phoenix, bold and beautiful, I rise.

As a warrior, beloved and brave, I rise.

As a fire, blazing and brilliant, I rise.

This light will shine eternal.

And I am no longer afraid of This Light.

The Heart's Attribute

A Heart is a strong muscle.

It has the sole purpose 

of filling every other part of you.

We have attributed this to be Emotion.

Blood is thicker than Water.

Blood is but more than a flicker 

in the eyes of an enamored daughter.

Like the liquor once prohibited,

it comes back by popular demand,

and when it does,

it is
Quicker than The Slaughter

and Harder than the Silence.

It is All-Consuming as the Sun, 

and a newness becomes visible --
piercing, full-fledged, and sweet;

and this Light can be blinding.
But as the heart does,
we adjust

and move with It

as It moves us.

And we can only dare to say Its name
if we trust.

Closure

This one took a while to write
partly because it took a while to realize

I thought I still loved you
I thought I still needed you
I thought I still wanted you

But time helped me realize I was only lying to myself,
keeping myself from experiencing happiness again

And then it happened
We reconnected
Or so it seemed
because there was really no connection anymore..

Perhaps that is sad
Perhaps the past can still have a glimmer of beauty to it
Perhaps who you were when we first met will continue to live on in my memory

But it was today that I realized the past is
insurmountably
non-existent

And I am so relieved

I am ready to live again
Today
Every day
Every moment
In every beautiful, God-given way.

Thank you for letting me see--

I have always deserved better.

Autumn

I remember..

I was riding my bike,
the cool wind kissing my skin,
as the warmth of the sun embraced me,

And I saw it.

I was not expecting it..

but I was not surprised...


the colors

were falling,

gently,
with ease,

with no hesitation
or rush,

simply falling...

And in an instant, I knew.

I knew what it all meant.

And I welcomed this news
as an aged prisoner does
when he hears his chains
loosen
and feels the
cold
confinement

no more,

unsure about what is to come
and unhurried to take that first step
yet unabashed in reveling in the moment...

A smile.. slow-stretching..

A glimmer reignited in his eyes..

this moment would never be the same...
after this moment,
life couldn't be the same..

and

I knew what it all meant.

I smiled, too,
closing my eyes,
and for a small moment,
I found myself

falling in love
with it all.

This moment would always be mine.

and
like my mother's hands,

with the sun-kissed freckles,
and supple undertones
of stories of a life lived with suffering
and love,

when they are held in mine,
I only want to embrace them for all of time

and yet,
unable to grasp that eternity,
I find myself finding joy
in these moments
before the
Beautiful End.

Beyond these changing hours,
this love, this life,
this moment,
will always be ours.

In this moment of Silence

As I slip into this silence..

this moment that is all my own...

with no noise from the outside

save the light drops of rain on my windowpane,

there are many things I notice.

I notice that my heart is still beating.

And that is important because 

it's been almost four years now that

it has been broken.

But it is, beating

steady, without reservations,

unaffected by the world,

and persistent.

And what that means

is that I want to find love again.

I want to love again.

Although I will never stop loving you,

I want to know what love is again--

the kind of love that persists,

unaffected by the world,

without reservations, and is

steady in all situations. 

But I guess,

in my humanity,

I am still drawn to a certain kind of sadness;

reminiscing on the love I used to know

and forgetting on loving myself,

right now in this moment.

Thankfully, life reminds me,

through the light drops of rain,

that even the deepest pain

can be washed away. 

And with the closing of my eyes,

I can focus a little bit more.

I pray.

And I feel peace 

enter my bones,

nestle itself deep in my heart--

even when I didn't think it possible.

It is beautiful

that somehow,

when I take these moments

to let myself feel the pain

and be open to hope,

that peace is never far away.

Love is something 

to be had

at any moment.

Even through the silence.

Even through the rain. 

Love is here. 

Thinking

Thinking
can get you into trouble
when the meaning can double
your problems
without a solution to solve them
and the rhythm of the heart
becomes entangled
and mangled
in the confines of the finite understanding of our minds

and for one time
this moment leaves my eyes
fogged to the brim
with a misty blur

of could have's and should have not's
and
of why did it have to be this way's

of why did you have to go's
and
of why even together i feel so alone's

but your touch,
so gentle,
and so rare,
reminds me of a

sweetness

I thought I had forgotten long ago

and there still persists the longing
to find Home

To Fly for the First Time

Imagine how the baby bird
must feel
when it realizes
it has the ability to fly;

What joy!

and also,
what fear!

To fly would mean to let go
of everything it has grown accustomed to.

To fly would mean to welcome
the unknown.

To fly would mean to be open
to the possibilities that await.

Imagine how the baby bird
must feel
when, for the first time,
it propels itself
from its nest
to flight

to face the real world.

What fear!

But,
what joy!

To fly would mean to see the beauties
that await.

To fly would mean to embrace
the extent of what it was born to do.

To fly would mean to live
as it is meant to.

Mama'

Mama...

Las palabras no son sufficientes para espresar lo que siento por ti.

Has estado a mi lado, con cada pasando an~o,

sin juzgar, sin recopilar mi pasado.

solo te interesa mi bien en este momento presente

y en cada momento que vendra.

Y asi, tal como debe ser, eres

Mama.

Y claro, tambien, 

como mama,

 has soportado tanto de mi, y yo de ti, 

lo bueno y lo malo, 

los gozos y los enojos,

 pero cada instante se ha hecho posible

y se ha superado 

con un corazon indominable,

un corazon grande,

un corazon humilde y fuerte.

Y yo digo un corazon porque  el mio viene del tuyo, 

me das de tu amor , 

y el corazon que Dios me ha dado, sostiene tanto de ti.

Tus ojos, como la dulce miel, claros y oscuros a la misma vez,
 llenos de cuentos de vida y triunfos , me han demostrado que los suen~os se realizan.

Tu voz, fuerte y gentil, dulce e contagioso,
 me ha guiado y me ha acobijado durante las tribulaciones, y siempre me deja saber
como es el sonido del Amor Incondicional.

Tus manos, suaves como satin, y salpicados con las cosechas de tu humanidad,
con esos granitos claros y oscuros a la misma vez,
me han ensen~ado como aguantar, sostener,
 y mas importante que todo, me han ensen~ado como dar--

dar hasta que me duela, dar de todo lo que tengo, porque solo asi se entera uno de lo que es vivir.

Mama, no eres perfecta, y asi te quiero. Te amo con todo lo que traes porque nadie, jamas, va ser como tu. Yo te amo, y te admiro, por todo lo que me das y todo lo que eres, y por todo lo que me has demostrado. .. Con cada bezo, con cada palabra, y con  cada abrazo--tan fuertes y calientes, que surgen entre mis huesos, mas adentro para renovar mi fe y esperanza,--, Te Amo. 

Y Le doy gracias Al Sen~or por ser mi mama. 

Mis idiosincrasias no eran para ninguna otra mama que tu.

Y las tuyas no eran para ninguna otra hija que yo.

Eres una buena Mama.

No tengas dudas porque es la verdad. 

Freckles

I remember the first time you showed me your hand 
and shared a moment of your humanness with me. 
You were worried about getting old, and seeing a small light brown freckle 
on your hand 
must have been tough for you. 
But to me, its beautiful. 
You’re hands are only getting softer. 
Your heart only bigger.
Your smiles only wider. 
I think you cherish everything more now--
at least I know I cherish you more every time I see you. 
I want to remember you, all of you, freckles and all.

The other day, you reached out to fix Ayesha’s hair and as you did, 
the light of the room kissed your skin, and I saw your hands. 
Only this time, the freckles were more prominent. 
There are so many of them now. 
They seemed to speak to me, their small cry of reality hit my ears and my eyes held back tears, 
and I just wanted 
to pull your hands 
to mine 
and kiss them. 

Mother, I want to remember you. 
I want to keep you. 
Here. 

I know I can’t and I won’t be able to ever win this one, 
but I want to remember you like this:
Caring for my sister, your hands have cared for so many hearts over the years, 
and your hands have held my broken heart countless times. 
These freckles are beautiful, but they also scare me. 
So I see them there, but look to the freckles in your eyes instead. 
This will help me remember.  

Ode from a Broken Heart

How long does it take for a broken heart to heal?

How long until I can see my heart has more to feel?

How long until your memory will disappear?

How long until this life seems to be real?

Again 

again 

Again

I wait and cry and hope

For something more than what I have

Cause all I have is myself and these memories

They dance on the ceiling--

Images of us , and of what we had

But you never wanted to dance with me.

time is not a friend of mine

and you are just a memory

haunting these walls with the kisses you stole

trampling on the dry grounds of my barren heart;

the white rose that once blossomed there

is crushed,

whithering,

and it seems that although my heart wants to grow

beyond the thorns that seep into my mind,

I am stuck

Like the memories of you fading in and out

In 

and 

out 

of 

time

..

.

...

This world seems like a blur

Before my eyes and beyond my ears

What is left is no trace of you here

And I want to break free

I want to believe in love again

I want to be free in love again

When?

Will time really heal the cuts that run so deep

I wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep

The Girl in The Bake Shop Window

Every morning, as I'm on my way to work, I pass by a small bake shop.
It is as if I could almost smell the freshly baked bread, as if it seeps through the walls and kisses me, softly.
Growing up, my step father was a baker for some time, and that smell brings back happy memories.
But as I smile, thinking of a once happy childhood, I notice the girl in the window.
As she is settling the loaves and pastries, neatly for public display, her face is meek.
Her smile is non-existent and her thoughts seem to be elsewhere. She notices me looking at her
and just as I am about to smile a simple 'good morning'
she quickly averts my gaze and is consumed in her thoughts again.

I wonder if she knows something I don't,
or if she'd care to know what I do.

untitled

She sat , glued to the computer screen, brain typing out words faster than her heart could beat, and then it was finished. Hard work dedication, a lil procrastination, a first for her, but she did it, it was finished.she gets home and faces another screen, except these words before her eyes are slowin her heart beat, breathing deep, is this true? are you telling me he isn’t here anymore? Are you telling me that this life really isn’t forever? Are you tellin me that we are really here and gone tomorrow? No no no this cant be true. but there, among the black and blue, the red becomes visible, I can almost see it now. His body crushed beneath the weight of it all, his heart stopped beating. And he is no more. What about you? Are you okay? Can your heart keep beating after all this? I know it may not want to, but my dear, it has to. You have to keep going, take that crushing weight and push it over , right off your shoulders, cause tho this life will only get colder, there is truth that is hiding behind every corner, just let your heart beat you can hear it growing slower yet bolder don’t let the boulders of fear let you sit bolstered by tears, be bold n behold the sheer weight of Love. The years won’t let up, the pain won’t be enough, and the skin will only get tough, so look up, there is a place to rest, if you only let your heart take you there. It is finished. 

Anymore

thoughts of you
weigh me down
and though I know I can break free
I am afraid to really be me
to be the me without you
although there is no physical sense of you left here
I keep replaying all the reasons
that caused us to not be right for each other
anymore

and I can't help but wonder if I cross your mind

I miss your sillyness and lack of rhythm
and I miss your passion
there's so much that I still hold onto
Lord knows I try to let go
but it's hard when you make it so easy to forget the bad
and remember all the good we had
it's so sad

but I assume that our love means nothing to you
anymore

I hope I'm wrong but I pray for peace and live on.

Shadows

Who am I ?
I ask myself this as I get a quick glimpse of where my intentions lie
Why do I try to write amazing lines and grapple with clever word play
my first bite of the rotten apple
so now all their eyes focus on I
 instead of Him
Where do I begin?
It all started from a passion within but I overshadowed The Passion He Lived
But only for a moment, because the Truth of why I live and why I am offended by my sin
is never downplayed when The Son casts over my shadows and I can't see them again
lets press replay
Where do I begin? It all started from a passion within but I overshadowed The Passion He Lived
But only for a moment, because the Truth of why I live shines when The Son casts over all my shadows and I can't see them again
those shadows like bad flows are exposed and so I stand in the Light, Lord humble me once more,
because I think I can think I can but they flip the switch and I am muddled into the floor
weighed down by the faux idea of wanting to be more
but by more I just mean noticed
will they notice the heart I put into this ? know this, my heart is brittle but this
Passion trickles from something more no riddle to miss, to explore this little bit
Can't ignore this little miss for wanting the world but oddly I denounce it for MORE
Maybe it all began from when the first man walked out without holdin my infant hand
For an infinitesimal minute I want to say that's why
Or maybe it all began from when the first man who took his place spread my purity and
My maturity was forced onto me and I want to say that's why
But to deny these things and their effect on my outlook of things would be foolish
And we know that fools rush in and the cautious just stay wading through the deep end
But im waiting for my turn to go off the deep end because I'm sure that the shore will never end even as I extend beyond the horizon, and I am diving head first with eyes closed And arms outstretched because time never waits for tomorrow

Salty Gravity

excuses
harbored beneath my eyes
"I'm sorry I'm not what you want"

days
seem to slip between our hands
"I'm sorry I can't change the past"

salt
flowing,
unceasing,
pulled by gravity
"I try but you keep
pushing me away....."

down,
it lingers,
nestled in the pores of my face
but gravity always wins.
it rests untouched,
but only for a moment..

my hands
ascend with hope,
hoping to find solidarity,
only to find the salt dancing among black smears.
these streaks now pressed against my cheeks,
and my fingers feel the weight of gravity,
and despair,
as they are pulled violently back down to the concrete.

"Every weekend its the same sad story"