Salty Gravity

excuses
harbored beneath my eyes
"I'm sorry I'm not what you want"

days
seem to slip between our hands
"I'm sorry I can't change the past"

salt
flowing,
unceasing,
pulled by gravity
"I try but you keep
pushing me away....."

down,
it lingers,
nestled in the pores of my face
but gravity always wins.
it rests untouched,
but only for a moment..

my hands
ascend with hope,
hoping to find solidarity,
only to find the salt dancing among black smears.
these streaks now pressed against my cheeks,
and my fingers feel the weight of gravity,
and despair,
as they are pulled violently back down to the concrete.

"Every weekend its the same sad story"

Where I'm coming from

I am from a broken heart,

From a man with no name and no face. 

I am from the balance between life and death,

From a miracle that kept fighting against all odds.

I am from a home of premature faiths,

And loud disagreements.

I am from halal and kebobs,

And  arroz con leche.

From "Mash'Allah" 

and "Si, se puede!"

From undecipherable Marks and 

sixty-six love Letters.

I am from tightly interlaced fingers

And reverent closed eyes.
I am from ears that were first opened
to the sound of fatherly love
after eighteen years of silence. 

I am from music notes and careful words,

From colorful impulsivity and

repentant recollection.

I am from Hands that kept molding

And keep holding me in one piece.

I am from the hood,

From red and blue flashing lights,

from accidents on purpose, 

from stolen wombs 

and blood on white 

December nights.

I am from gunshots and

scarred wrists, 

from open arms and innocent dreams

on cold and gritty New York streets.

I am from lost fantasies and better realities

From depression and from Hope;

I AM from Love.

I am from Peace.


*this poem inspired this song:

Clouds

late nights
stolen dreams
but the light
still shines within

and it seems
that through the seams
love will always burst through

the clouds gather
my joy scatters
and fear may settle
but there is always love

and it is steadfast
and constant
and pure

what are we destined for?
my eyes glisten
from the tears
and the hopes

because
through the clouds,
my eyes can still see...

and it is all thanks to You.

New Song (original)

original song by Stephanie T. Villeda

Verse 1:
I've been the one
desperate for love
hopin' that I would stay with you
I would pray
and make a wish
hopin' that this would be true

CHORUS: 
And now I see
you were never meant for me
And now I know 
you always had to go
And it's time to sing a new song

Verse 2:
I would stay
up really late
havin' our love forever on replay
I would cry
into the night
tryna understand why you left my side

CHORUS:
And now I see
God has bigger plans for me
And now I know
you always had to go
And it's time to sing a new song

Bridge-
You've given me
beautiful melodies
lovely memories
but it wasn't always that way
And from it all
I've learned to stand tall
not answerin' your call

'Cause I am well on my way...

... to singing a new song.

Writing in the Sand

writing in the sand,
you + me
forever
where is your hand
now? I thought you'd never
leave..
you promised me.

these writings are empty
my memories vibrating
dunes undulating


then, a quick wind
whispers the pain away

the words can't be traced
a love erased

oh, if it were only so simple...

Here, I am (original song)

original song by Stephanie T. Villeda. inspired by God's Unconditional Love. 


Verse 1
I don't even know where to start
Seems that everyone has broken my heart
I Try to discern Your Voice from theirs
Tell me, do You really hear my prayers?


CHORUS:
Here, I am, calling out to You
Tell me, God, do You hear me too?
Do You love me, like they tell me You do?
Show me, Show me, I want to know You.


Verse 2
I don't even know what to say
seems that everytime I try to pray
my heart is so consumed with
the worries of the day 
please, take the pain away


Yet, in You, I trust always


CHORUS:
Here, I am, calling out to You
Tell me, God, do You hear me too?
Do You love me, like they tell me You do?
Show me, Show me, I want to know You.


Bridge
I close my eyes, Expose my heart, Here I am, Before You (4x)
And I feel Your Love, knocking deep inside my heart
And I know You're here, everything points straight to You
And I know You're real, deserving of every praise,
but I steady my voice as I hear You say...


CHORUS:
Here, I am, calling out for you
Tell me, Son, do you want Me too?
Do you love Me? 'Cause I've always loved you.
Show Me, Show Me, I want to know... you.

stressing

the stress is compressing my chest
it's at it's best, this darkness won't rest; I need Your light to profess:
MY LIFE IS A MESS!
come fix me, rid me of this hex
cause what's next, just might slip...
right out of my hand
but you understand :
that true love is greater than good sex,
for intimacy with You knows no end,
for knowing truth leads to true happiness,
that beyond the grave, lies no more sadness;
that along the way, though I might break and cave,

You are the provider of strength to get me through these days,
Initiator of faith, the One that always remains.

You are the Reason why I raise any praise.
my soul longs for the promises You made
and clings to the love You've displayed,

but right now, I need You to heal me from the pain.
please, hear these pleas, and raise me from my grave.

trust, yes, I must, for I musn't delay,
I pray my plea is heard today ...

(hear the finalized version in song: Original Song: One Almighty [sorry for the poor quality]

The Only Calm in the Storm

dark rain violently drips from the windows to my soul;
a rampaging river, fuming and crashing against jagged rocks.

raging thunders engulf the coasts of my veins—
mercilessly, relentlessly piercing the sands of my mind.

ccrrrrrack! a suffering slices itself through the air,
and my lungs are drained, hopelessly in want of breath.

the clouds furiously roll;
with haste, they completely cover the crimson horizon.

and yet, a movement among the mammatus’
exposes a Light— barely visible, this enchanting streak of gold…


for the only calm in the storm is the steady, rising, Sun.

grieving

why do I continue
to raise you
on a pedestal
when you are

WORTH LESS

than the least of men?

my mind is blurred
my tears now stain the floor
my heart has always only had hurt
and all of it due to you

i've been here before
crying on the floor,
tears overtaking my body,
losing the fight against gravity,
sinking
as I am aching
from the pain that seems
to never cease,
and not caring
who hears my grief...

Deserving of Love

I do not know why I treat you the way I do;

I feel like you deserve the best of me

but at times, I feel exactly the opposite--

that you deserve none of me.

Holding on to the past

has caused me to waste so many moments;

I know that deep within my heart,

but still,
I cannot keep my heart still
nor can I keep it away
from all the pain you have caused it in the past.

It is our past that haunts my present,
and although I genuinely want to move on
to a brighter and happier future,
I am still stuck in the mindset of our yesterdays.

I want to forgive and forget.
I pray for the strength to look past all our iniquities.
Hey, if Jesus could do it,
why can't I forgive you 77 x 7 times?
Why do I still struggle to just accept
what has been done, and move on?
It is so simple to do
and yet so difficult to get started on.

I search my heart, my mind, my soul;
what is it about my life that I feel stuck in this anger?
I want to let go,
to be able to fully move on,
and live a life of happiness--
the life that I deserve to live.
The life that you deserve, as well.

You deserve the moon and the stars,
the brightest lights to keep shining for you,
so bright that you are blinded by their beauty
and yet, you can't help but keep looking on.

You deserve the tightest hug and deepest kiss,
both of which would be incomplete without the other,
both of which would let you know that you are loved,
that you are protected and desired;
that there is my set of arms and my set of lips that needs yours.

You deserve A kiss that is electric fuzz fire,
that ignites into the deepest intricacies of you,
that laces itself through your bones and
that emanates from you with a heat so unforgiving,
the only way to deal with its intensity
is to just accept it as such.

You deserve the sweetest smile, everytime,
to know that you mean the world to me,
to know that you do make me smile,
that you stir in me a joy that can cause my world to
shift from misery to glory in less than an instant.

You deserve A heart that knows your own,
that is willing to get to know your own,
in all its imperfections and worries and glories,
and that is a complement to your own;
a heart that can beat just as fast and just as strong,
without cease, without exhaust.

You deserve the softest hand to hold through it all,
and a supportive voice to encourage you through your flaws;
you deserve these things because, although you are a Mountain Man to me (strong and willed), when you lack that strength, you will never be alone,
for my hand and my voice will be there for you.

You deserve all of this and more because I do as well...
We deserve happiness.

The question is:
Are we willing to REALLY try again? To actually forgive and forget?
To move on and accept that happiness is available if we just try (if I just try...)?
To give each other that heart that will be safe and warm?
To envelop eachother with the beautiful silken lips that stir the soul?
To lay down the flaws and embrace the Imperfect Perfection that is so wonderful?
Love is the answer to everything.

But if Love is knocking already,

so strong and persistent,
why can't I answer?

in the light of Hope

caught in the tangles of life

motionless

without a stir of sentiments

confused
distraught

brief seconds of contentness

are pursued--

almost chased down,
thrown down and beat down--
by the shadow of nothingness

what do i do?

a Light needs to be bright

for it to fulfill its purpose

and yet, aspirations
of any illumination
are what keep me weaving on.

For my Eyes Only

This is not for you

This is all just for me

I am strong

I am confident

I am motivated
I am determined
and most importantly,

I am hopeful.

I will find love,
I will find mutual support,
I will find commitment,
I will find devotion.

I know what I did wrong,
I know I wasn't happy,
I know that I was settling for less than I deserved,
for less than I really wanted.

I wanted to believe in you,

I wanted to believe in us,
but after everthing was said and done,
we were both forcing a current to flow against its destiny,
a flow against its course,
but we finally admitted this run was at its end.

Things were good once,

but things do change.

People change, and
we clearly did exactly that.

And I still weep every night,
but that's part of the healing process.
I weep for the bad, for the good,

for the wrong, for the right,

for that sweet touch that will not be shared again.
But those same once-gentle hands laid force against me,
and it was because I let it happen. Why?

Time will give me an answer.

There is no blame,

no fault,
no hurt,
no regret,

no remorse.

Just forgiveness.
and wisdom.

And hope,
for a better future,
for a happiness that awaits me eagerly.

Rain

As the raindrops slowly fall,
gradually accumulating on the once-dry cement floor,
memories of the past slowly wet my mind,
inhibiting my thoughts from grasping the present reality.

As the raindrops first begin,
unknowingly clustering as an empty mass above my head,
my eyes close
and my face welcomes their stain on my skin.

I am
Saturated,
Consumed,
and the stains begin to feel my own.
But I urge myself to head home.

And yet,
as the raindrops
.`.`.`.`.gently.`.`
.`.`.`.slither.`.`.`
.`.`.`.`.down.`.`.`.`
`.`.`.`.the.`.`.`.`.
.`.`.`.`.`.window`.`.,
forming families every now and then only to

B UR ST

and

s e p a r a t e
from how saturated
they have become,

my hands writhe against the cold table,
itching for an escape.


It was inevitable.

And no roof could ever prevent their seeping presence.

Jealousy

(written April 19, 2011)

A rage of passions deep within
that not even time can keep caged in.
These feelings and thoughts are riddled of sin,
and can't be drowned with bottles of gin.
If only trust could be acquired again,
then the pangs of angst could cease to exist,
and then maybe,
the violent words could be stifled, muted, hidden...

Faithful in heart, and yet, this jealousy fit
has left only ice cold empty bitterness.
Where can the tiny bulb of love blossom?
Where are those delicate lips that have chosen.. to lie?
Lips so desirable, but only to lies.
Fibs so unbearable, dismissed by disguise,
and all the while, there exists a never-ceasing ringing
warning your thrusting hips to stop singing
the song so loved by the faithful heart,
because that once perfect melody has been torn apart.

There are only Spoken words embodying a Possible Beauty,
and possibly another forgiving opportunity...
But the repeated apologies
are now thrown to the side,
resembling only a broken hand
of a second in time.