To Sleep Eternally

I was writing about life, about how my life is going, and all I could think of was wishing for death.

I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to hurt others.

I want to sleep eternally.

So as to not have to worry about tomorrow
So as to not have to worry about being left behind
So as to not have to worry about being forgotten
Just to forget myself, let myself go to the inhibitions of death, to the “welcome home” banner that waits for me in my grave because once there I will be Home.

To sleep eternally would mean no more sadness: no more great joys,
no more great loves, and most importantly,
no more being so sad when all those great things
are inevitably and undoubtedly
stripped away without notice.

No more surprises; I would not expect love to find me anymore.
No more tears; I would not expect love to escape me anymore.
No more anguish or pain; I would not expect anything aside from peace, just a beautiful rest.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If I were to die today, right now, I now I’d leave behind all the ones I love, but what does it matter when the one I love the most cannot even bare to look at me?
I have done him wrong.

And I am so sorry.
But what is the point of my hopelessly romantic existence if there is no hopeful romance? I have always given myself entirely to Love, broken down my barriers and revealed the most innocent, the most vulnerable “me”: The ‘me’ that only desires to be loved forever and ever.

But every time I have done that, I have been left with less and less of myself.

If I were to sleep forever and ever, love would be a concept unknown, just An ideal bound to something beyond my dreams, so that it would not matter for in my dreams it would not exist, and I could finally be at peace.
Oh, Love, how great you’ve been,
but how vicious and merciless as well.
You just enjoyed sucking the life right out of me,
didn’t you?

So Great a Love

Irreconcilable fear: Be still my heart, Yet the pain continues to ache, Continues to bury my hopes

Come back my love. I need you to be there beside me because you anchor me; You hold me, You help me. I need you more than I need myself.

I hold a Love so true, a Love so great, and it’s all for you. Never would I have guessed that I would feel so strongly, so longingly, so honestly, so great a love. And yet I do. Here I am: Baring it all once again, and I fear that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Please forgive me: Irreconcilable anguish. So much stillness when you’re gone, But my heart is not still; My heart won’t let me sleep. I yearn for my eyes to close, for a chance at bliss in my dreams, Yet my heart is not still and I still cannot sleep.

The hours choke my lungs strangling out the tears, and they come incessantly, viciously. I am held captive to the hours, to the lonely, miserable hours. They mercilessly cut into me, and I bleed sadness. Never would I have guess that I would feel so sad, so alone, so remorseful, because of so great a love.

I recount our endless, priceless memories. So beautiful. I ache knowing that there is a chance that all that beauty may disappear and leave in its wake darkness, only darkness. Please do not take away the light that makes me so happy.

So great a Love, you are so good to me. Please forgive me.

One more chance at Love is all I ask for. I will be good to you. I promise I will be good to you as sure as the sun will set on my past and a new sun will rise for our future. What a Glorious day that will be to see a newly rising sun; to see the meadows flourish and blossom with new daisies of tomorrows and forget-me-not’s.

I am waiting.

Una Nota de Amor

April 19, 2010

Tu Palabra, como Blanca Luz,
tan pura, tan buena,
me ayuda cuando todo se siente
tan oscuro, tan frio.
Tan Infinito, es Tu Amor.
Tan Definitivo, eres Tu Senor.
Mi Gran Protector,
el Silenciador de todas mis ancias,
mis miedos, mis angustias,
mis inseguridades.
Entre nuestras transgressiones,
La Buena Noticia eres Tu, Padre Santo;
que limpias todo para que sea 'Pureza' una vez mas.
Que Felicidad.
Gracias Senor por tener tu mano sobre mi,
por darme una vida nueva una vez mas.
Que Lindo eres, Tan Bueno; siempre tan bueno..
En mi corazon hay un fuego que nunca se apagara,
y ese fuego se enciendera siempre
por Ti y para Ti,
para toda esta vida que me regalas cada dia.
Si Senor, te seguire hasta mas aya que el final.
Si Dios Padre, te amara hasta mas aya que mi corazon podra.
Si Bendito Jesus, siempre estare con Ti
y nunca me allejare de Ti,
porque Tu Amor esta en todo lugar.
Que Belleza.
Que Felicidad.

So Sweet

January 7, 2009

(inspired by John Woodward)

When I eat my pancakes
I like no syrup please
as natural is always best
before unnatural strikes--and ruins
mothers most delicious cakes and

somehow Charlie got caught in
the honey hive outside I
tried to get out of
my seat to save him
but the pancakes so sweet

Nameless

January 5, 2010

The blood

has stained

the space

behind the open dumpster

and a white
hairclip
shaped like a
rose,
lies there,
broken.

A Day in the Life of a Journalist

January 8, 2010

You see this world for what it really is
At last you see the shine and the grime the dumpsters and the buildings the gambling and the bidding of young executives and of prostitutes that have been in the business for too long You see the endless trash the cars whether they speed or crash the pedestrians as they walk even if they are doing it all wrong speeding and stopping halting and flaunting but they never do it right Next thing you hear are the sounds of the night the repetitive drawls of bus engines starting and breaking down the numerous shouts of drunk teens as they lose function of their motor skills the subtle quick inhalations of the smoker late for a meeting in town and the whispered prayers of the homeless as they hope to endure the winter chills
You read the headlines stories all just stories You read faces more stories to be told You read the nutritional information on the side of some menu there is no story there There are stories on the street but all you do is walk on
This morning I saw an accident Or the remains of the accident An ambulance in all its glory and the streets shouting a story There was Blood yet the doors to the vehicle were shut and I could not get Lady Gaga’s song out of my head but something inside knew the story before me would go on unsaid
You are now passing an electronics store with windows that run for miles and each television you can see has Tiger Woods and the list of his whores that runs for miles You see some people stop and stare and comment and shake their heads disapprovingly and you walk on that story should have been left unsaid
About one o’clock now your stomach grumbles and you hunger for a satisfying bite No need to fight the urge you want a burger a cheeseburger or maybe you feel wild and you want a double cheeseburger to surge in you and last until dinner later that night You know not to indulge though because the nutritional value of such a thing would be horrendous and you would then have to surrender to a gym membership Besides if you had that burger the homeless would still go hungry
You leave temptation and you are now on 10th An elderly woman is crossing the street and you feel like you should help and as you proceed you notice your shoe is untied and you let the moment of putting others first pass you by O why O why was your shoe untied at that exact moment in time She walked on leaving you behind and you are bent down tying and untying and retying and just tying away all your precious time
Now you walk on across the city to the riverside You pass by streets of stores just stores merchandise that are pointless and useless like a Snuggie as seen on t v or merchandise that are useful but unexplainably expensive like a pair of gloves or earmuffs You wonder whether you should buy some because of the winter chills you must endure It’s a test of endurance we all must face Yet you walk on
You pass by payphones and remember that talk you had with your grandfather when he was telling you about how in his day there were no such things as telephones so you had to make personal house calls if any story was to be told You pass by an empty shopping cart tied to a hydrant You pass by a pair of sneakers hanging from the telephone wires You pass by a bar and suddenly the street lights go on
From the street you can hear the roar of the soccer game as it plays on the flat screen t v inside the bar You can hear the grunts of disgruntled men who are sipping away their sorrows You can almost feel the pinches that the waitresses are receiving as they pass by the disgruntled men You see that one of those men happen to be a co-worker but you walk on because there is no story to share between you and him But a bar fight breaks loose and you are inclined to stay and see if there is a story
The chills the skills the town this place of no ups only downs this bar the lights shine eerily on the car you see you hear you feel the first punch the crack of the first jaw and the wobble in your knees This story might be one to please your boss But you walk on

You refuse to be a prostitute

a sad story

For the Under-Achievers

(While observing a twelvth grade Calculus class at East Side Community H.S, I wondered...)

Are they really underachievers?

Maybe they just don't know ther're not FULLY achieving, yet?

The majority of them have their phones out, or their heads down,
or their eyes up
staring at the clouds.
It's a gorgeous day and
they'd rather be outside
instead of inside
learning about their limits--instead of
figuring out their domains
and
their far-reaching ranges.

The girl that's focused on her appearance
more than her achievement
just confessed to smoking weed.
She should confess to herself
that she is starving herself
of a need to succeed.

So much chitterchatter,
instead of the scribblescrabble
of pencils to paper;
instead of the ignited minds
consumed in finding the time
to figure out that life
beyond the classroom
won't care for, won't spare for
the under-achievers,
for the little dreamers;
only for the Dream Keepers,
for those that overcome and over-achieve.
Only for those that retain their hopes,
for those that mantain running for their goals and dreams,
with their eyes on the prize
no matter what the cost!

Because a life free from worries,
not bound to failure and poverty,
not bound to the "I know I could've done more"s
or the "I'm so sorry"s;
A life not bound to the limits
is worth striving for--and all because
of an education that stirred success
from generation to generation.

With determination in your hearts
and education in your mind,
a Life of endless possibilities
can be yours
if you just try.

And the Pheonix also Rises

This World has aged you,
taken your once innocent body
and harbored it beneath the ashes,
beneath the darkness.

You want to overcome it;
Reach out!
Fly out!
Spread your wings
for a new chance at Life!
for a New Chance into the Light!

But the flames still consume you
and your Eyes are Blinded from the
Glory beyond this World,
beyond the burden of these ashes.

Do you want to be free?

Raise up, Precious Child;
like the Phoenix, you can raise yourself up again,
out of the ashes and into a New Freedom.

Raise up, Innocent Angel;
like the Pheonix, you can go above and beyond the flames,
where the fire can
no longer harm you,
for you have a New Light on your side.

Raise up from the ashes.
Do not let the remains
of these burdens
keep
you
down.
Raise up! It is a New Day!
There will always be
a New Day.

Belleza del Alma

March 31, 2010

Belleza del Alma,
adonde te me fuiste?
Te esperare,
aunque este triste.
Tu luz
maravillosa
enciende entre
la oscuridad
de la noche.
Mi corazon
se siente terrible,
pero aqui
te esperare.. hasta la muerte.
No me importa,
si las horas
me rodean o me ahogan,
con este sentimiento
tan triste.
Aqui espero tu regreso
y te esperare
para siempre ...