Where I'm coming from

I am from a broken heart,

From a man with no name and no face. 

I am from the balance between life and death,

From a miracle that kept fighting against all odds.

I am from a home of premature faiths,

And loud disagreements.

I am from halal and kebobs,

And  arroz con leche.

From "Mash'Allah" 

and "Si, se puede!"

From undecipherable Marks and 

sixty-six love Letters.

I am from tightly interlaced fingers

And reverent closed eyes.
I am from ears that were first opened
to the sound of fatherly love
after eighteen years of silence. 

I am from music notes and careful words,

From colorful impulsivity and

repentant recollection.

I am from Hands that kept molding

And keep holding me in one piece.

I am from the hood,

From red and blue flashing lights,

from accidents on purpose, 

from stolen wombs 

and blood on white 

December nights.

I am from gunshots and

scarred wrists, 

from open arms and innocent dreams

on cold and gritty New York streets.

I am from lost fantasies and better realities

From depression and from Hope;

I AM from Love.

I am from Peace.


*this poem inspired this song:

Stardust

On that daily grind it's hard to find that peace of mind 
My steps may waver but His Love doesn't falter

He's the Sun. The brightest star like a superstar where we are just .. stardust.

And I must confess my lust for the approval of the world, 
it's in my nature as a girl, as a human, as a child, 
But if you've heard, He is Lord, and His Love is above the laws of this world. He is wild-ly and surprisingly constant. 
It's irrelevant if we've been hesitant cause He is adamant about His hate for sin, 
but He has forgiven every last offense if you seek repentance sincerely, 
do you hear me?

He's the Sun. The brightest star like a superstar and we are just .. stardust.

Yet like the dust and clay we were made to briefly stay, ephemeral.
Fleeting moments, trying to evade the fact that He has the final say, for He is eternal. 
Now, I was just a mess and my consciousness would not let Him in
When all I craved was freedom from hurt and sin

And I've heard about this man named Jesus
And how he came from the heavens to free us
But that was more than two thousand years ago.
I denied His impact on this heart 
that was desperately seeking a jumpstart.
But the more I sought for truth in the swerving youth 
that bought the lies of society 
The more I began to see 
that love was nowhere to be found.
And I helplessly cried and told myself "I'd be alright" , 
I wouldn't get jaded with the weighted burdens all around.
But when all you see is pain and all you hear is hate
its hard to elaborate on what it means to be loved.
But when I looked above I could always still see the sun.

He's the Son. The brightest star like a superstar where we are His stardust.

stressing

the stress is compressing my chest
it's at it's best, this darkness won't rest; I need Your light to profess:
MY LIFE IS A MESS!
come fix me, rid me of this hex
cause what's next, just might slip...
right out of my hand
but you understand :
that true love is greater than good sex,
for intimacy with You knows no end,
for knowing truth leads to true happiness,
that beyond the grave, lies no more sadness;
that along the way, though I might break and cave,

You are the provider of strength to get me through these days,
Initiator of faith, the One that always remains.

You are the Reason why I raise any praise.
my soul longs for the promises You made
and clings to the love You've displayed,

but right now, I need You to heal me from the pain.
please, hear these pleas, and raise me from my grave.

trust, yes, I must, for I musn't delay,
I pray my plea is heard today ...

(hear the finalized version in song: Original Song: One Almighty [sorry for the poor quality]

Like You

Let me take this second to introduce myself,
I am a human like you, no more no less,
I'm here to help clarify some misconceptions,
and bring back all Honor and Glory in His Direction.
See Life, this one we have, was designed with perfection,
but the One who designed it gaves us freedom of selection:
To choose what we choose and live how we may,
knowing that His Vicotry is without condemnation.
See, I can readily speak with no hesitation,
words flowing, thoughts in easy cirulation,
but the reason behing this is Capital-T Truth         for the Nations.
See, with Him, there is no End, just Eternal Salvation.
But that freedom of choice is what allowed us to bring in Sin and evil,
We exposed our own nakedness back in the Garden of Eden:
Shame and pin befell
Our own disobedience led us straight to Hell,
but uh, I don't know if you've heard:
There is hope. And it lies in the Word.
Peace of mind, free from all binds,
not caught in the sands of time,
we are liberated in divine grace,
So, Redirect your attention and come to face these lines from Scripture:
With Him , in Him, and Of him, be more like Him,
continue no sin, show Him that you Love Him.
For the Love of money and greed has got you deceived,
So, Love your Neighbor and your Enemies.
If we really believe or our eyes are beginning to see,
then the latter is the reality we need to perceive.

I've come to realize that nothing is more important than Him.
That this life I hold in my hands was once drowning in Sin,
But because He came, Died, Resurrected, and will come Again,
My life belongs in His hands, His Viictory: My Win.
And It's a shame some don't know his Name and everything he's done,
He's healed the blind and the lame, and He died to make you His Son.
But pfft, what Do I know? I'm just a Human Like you.
But wait, ! He saved my life, and that is some pretty good news...

Deserving of Love

I do not know why I treat you the way I do;

I feel like you deserve the best of me

but at times, I feel exactly the opposite--

that you deserve none of me.

Holding on to the past

has caused me to waste so many moments;

I know that deep within my heart,

but still,
I cannot keep my heart still
nor can I keep it away
from all the pain you have caused it in the past.

It is our past that haunts my present,
and although I genuinely want to move on
to a brighter and happier future,
I am still stuck in the mindset of our yesterdays.

I want to forgive and forget.
I pray for the strength to look past all our iniquities.
Hey, if Jesus could do it,
why can't I forgive you 77 x 7 times?
Why do I still struggle to just accept
what has been done, and move on?
It is so simple to do
and yet so difficult to get started on.

I search my heart, my mind, my soul;
what is it about my life that I feel stuck in this anger?
I want to let go,
to be able to fully move on,
and live a life of happiness--
the life that I deserve to live.
The life that you deserve, as well.

You deserve the moon and the stars,
the brightest lights to keep shining for you,
so bright that you are blinded by their beauty
and yet, you can't help but keep looking on.

You deserve the tightest hug and deepest kiss,
both of which would be incomplete without the other,
both of which would let you know that you are loved,
that you are protected and desired;
that there is my set of arms and my set of lips that needs yours.

You deserve A kiss that is electric fuzz fire,
that ignites into the deepest intricacies of you,
that laces itself through your bones and
that emanates from you with a heat so unforgiving,
the only way to deal with its intensity
is to just accept it as such.

You deserve the sweetest smile, everytime,
to know that you mean the world to me,
to know that you do make me smile,
that you stir in me a joy that can cause my world to
shift from misery to glory in less than an instant.

You deserve A heart that knows your own,
that is willing to get to know your own,
in all its imperfections and worries and glories,
and that is a complement to your own;
a heart that can beat just as fast and just as strong,
without cease, without exhaust.

You deserve the softest hand to hold through it all,
and a supportive voice to encourage you through your flaws;
you deserve these things because, although you are a Mountain Man to me (strong and willed), when you lack that strength, you will never be alone,
for my hand and my voice will be there for you.

You deserve all of this and more because I do as well...
We deserve happiness.

The question is:
Are we willing to REALLY try again? To actually forgive and forget?
To move on and accept that happiness is available if we just try (if I just try...)?
To give each other that heart that will be safe and warm?
To envelop eachother with the beautiful silken lips that stir the soul?
To lay down the flaws and embrace the Imperfect Perfection that is so wonderful?
Love is the answer to everything.

But if Love is knocking already,

so strong and persistent,
why can't I answer?

This is what I Remember

I'm sitting here, out on a summer day,
the sun shinging so bright, the wind soft against me,
but all I can think about is you... and everything we shared.
Even though the weather is great and I should go out to play,
I just want to stay indoors and cry all this pain away--
and that's because no matter where I go or what I do,
it all just reminds me of you.

I am so disappointed in us, in how our frustrations got the best of us.
I saw my whole life with you; I even have a still image of our first kiss as a happily married couple. A sweet moment of a passionate kiss--you in your black suit with your hair sleeked back, and your hands tight on my waist, and I in my dress with my hands gently pressed on your cheeks, gentle enough to feel the smile on your face. That is what I remember.

And I also recall how proud I was of you as you received your license to rule the roads, as you received your diploma and graduated to the next step, as you held your patience trying to teach me the rules of the game. How I hold dear the memory of the videos you made, congratulating me on my big day... all the kissy faces, and the Love will Rock On hand gesture, and the sweet look in your eyes as you smiled to the camera. And I remember our very first and very last kiss. Those kisses will be the sweetest and dearest and most tightly held onto moments of my life. I still remember how amazing, how soft, and how meaningful your lips felt pressed against mine. I still remember how you held me as if to never let me go.

But then, a dark cloud looms, and I remember how stupid I was. As I cry through this, I can be honest with myself now that it's really over, and I admit that I am to blame for all our tragedy. I sit here and search my brain trying to figure out just exactly where I went wrong--what led me to be so cruel to you? You were deserving only of my affections, but instead my jealousy got the best of me and clouded my visions; my insecurities got the best of me and I physically hurt you--tears and blood,
and it still wasn't enough,
for you to leave this love.

But eventually, you cracked,
and I cracked,
and the marks left on my face,
and the bruises left on our hearts,
prove to me that we can't go back.

Maybe in time, all this will heal. Maybe your aggressions will change back to sweet and tender affections for me. Maybe our illusions can once again be our reality. Maybe we will learn and give us another chance. But then again,
I also remember us always holding onto the past--both the good and the bad. Maybe that's why our time has stopped here.

How it pains me that it seems that my life will be forever without you. I can almost not believe it. But I know it must be done.

With sincerest love and an ache in my heart, I apologize for all our misgivings and our wrongdoings. I can only hope that time will heal us and we can be happy again--
whether together again or... forever apart.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Flores Encantadoras

Tus Flores Encantadoras
Promesas llenas de fragancia;
Una suave brisa
que acaricia y embriaga

Aqui estoy desesperada
ajuntada y sellada,
con tu quemadura
fuerte de amor.
Aqui estoy respirando
el aire viejo,
y a lo lento
ya no siento
tu valor.

No sabes lo que me haces
quando no estas de cerca.
Quando no te escucho los pasos,
mi corazon no palpita.
Es porque me faltas tu
que la vida se me pierde.

Como al vidrio quebradizado,
estoy mirando un reflejo
que no es semejante de lo que fui.
Como al vidrio destrozado,
me miro y pienso
adonde se fue todo de mi.

Unge mi alma de tus promesas fragantes,
para que el llanto se aleje di mi corazon creciente,
para que el canto de un 'si' se une a mi;
para que el dolor y desafio no me paraliza en lo frio
para que el amor de mi vida se siente bienvenida
y todo esto a rodillas lo pido a ti.

Era blanca y pura
esa primera rosa;
Veremos si a los años
la encontraremos
igual asi...

Dance of the Butterflies

Your presence is so strong , I feel the weight of Your Love as I gaze upon these beautiful entities you have gracefully and mercifully placed before me.
“Hope which was lost, now stands renewed” as I stand on this hill gazing over the city of Your Life.

The wind whispers among the wings of butterflies.
They dance, they float, they flirt;
their colors reflect the joy you have brought to my life.
Without effort, they already embrace Your presence.

Your love is here and so am I.
I am so grateful for this chance to stand in awe before You.

“You alone are Good”
Just like the dance of the butterflies, I am trying to get closer to Your wind of Mercy; with every breeze that whisps through my soul, I feel myself shiver from the immensity of You.

“You alone are Good.”
Just like the dance of the butterflies, I am flying endlessly searching for a place of rest; with every movement of my wings, I feel myself reach You a little more.
And although another strong wind may come and change my course of flight, I know that in the end, Your Love will guide me back—back to the joy You have brought to my life.

A leaf falls, dancing gracefully on the air of your hand.

The grass, like a sea of life laid before me, undulates and rises,
dancing to the melody of the wind.

The sun shines brightly, only to hide its face behind a cloud of innocence;
and this valley of Your Life still shines regardless
if the light is hidden from my eyes--for I can always feel Your Light

dancing

in my eyes,
in my heart,
in my soul.

The Butterflies know this too, as they dance without stop.

As I look on to their dance of endless wings,
all I can think of is how I got to be this lucky;
how did I end up so blessed with your Love. .
I don’t know how it happened or when,
because I was so weak and lost before—
but all I know now is that I am so grateful;


I am so grateful because You are so Good.

Una Nota de Amor

April 19, 2010

Tu Palabra, como Blanca Luz,
tan pura, tan buena,
me ayuda cuando todo se siente
tan oscuro, tan frio.
Tan Infinito, es Tu Amor.
Tan Definitivo, eres Tu Senor.
Mi Gran Protector,
el Silenciador de todas mis ancias,
mis miedos, mis angustias,
mis inseguridades.
Entre nuestras transgressiones,
La Buena Noticia eres Tu, Padre Santo;
que limpias todo para que sea 'Pureza' una vez mas.
Que Felicidad.
Gracias Senor por tener tu mano sobre mi,
por darme una vida nueva una vez mas.
Que Lindo eres, Tan Bueno; siempre tan bueno..
En mi corazon hay un fuego que nunca se apagara,
y ese fuego se enciendera siempre
por Ti y para Ti,
para toda esta vida que me regalas cada dia.
Si Senor, te seguire hasta mas aya que el final.
Si Dios Padre, te amara hasta mas aya que mi corazon podra.
Si Bendito Jesus, siempre estare con Ti
y nunca me allejare de Ti,
porque Tu Amor esta en todo lugar.
Que Belleza.
Que Felicidad.

Bliss.

December 2007

Do you see?

It's a blanket of Bliss falling from the sky.

Oh, How I wish to just melt into it,

Have it softly lay itself upon me,
Engulf me,

So that I may see the world through Blissful Eyes.

I could lay there for hours,
Become an Angel of the Snow,
Forget all the troubles,
and woes,
and sorrows,
and pains;
Be environed by Only Bliss.
As I lay there,
every snowflake upon my face
would become a
part of me.
And I'd dream for it,
and wish for it,
Until I become Pure Bliss,
and finally have
Eternal Peace.