Salty Gravity

excuses
harbored beneath my eyes
"I'm sorry I'm not what you want"

days
seem to slip between our hands
"I'm sorry I can't change the past"

salt
flowing,
unceasing,
pulled by gravity
"I try but you keep
pushing me away....."

down,
it lingers,
nestled in the pores of my face
but gravity always wins.
it rests untouched,
but only for a moment..

my hands
ascend with hope,
hoping to find solidarity,
only to find the salt dancing among black smears.
these streaks now pressed against my cheeks,
and my fingers feel the weight of gravity,
and despair,
as they are pulled violently back down to the concrete.

"Every weekend its the same sad story"

Where I'm coming from

I am from a broken heart,

From a man with no name and no face. 

I am from the balance between life and death,

From a miracle that kept fighting against all odds.

I am from a home of premature faiths,

And loud disagreements.

I am from halal and kebobs,

And  arroz con leche.

From "Mash'Allah" 

and "Si, se puede!"

From undecipherable Marks and 

sixty-six love Letters.

I am from tightly interlaced fingers

And reverent closed eyes.
I am from ears that were first opened
to the sound of fatherly love
after eighteen years of silence. 

I am from music notes and careful words,

From colorful impulsivity and

repentant recollection.

I am from Hands that kept molding

And keep holding me in one piece.

I am from the hood,

From red and blue flashing lights,

from accidents on purpose, 

from stolen wombs 

and blood on white 

December nights.

I am from gunshots and

scarred wrists, 

from open arms and innocent dreams

on cold and gritty New York streets.

I am from lost fantasies and better realities

From depression and from Hope;

I AM from Love.

I am from Peace.


*this poem inspired this song:

Clouds

late nights
stolen dreams
but the light
still shines within

and it seems
that through the seams
love will always burst through

the clouds gather
my joy scatters
and fear may settle
but there is always love

and it is steadfast
and constant
and pure

what are we destined for?
my eyes glisten
from the tears
and the hopes

because
through the clouds,
my eyes can still see...

and it is all thanks to You.

Words of Life

speak words of life! 
words that are 
reflective, positive, and encouraging. 
help build a house of love! 
refrain from the unkind,
harsh and discouraging banter. 


your words are one of your
strongest tools 
and should be utilized fully.
your words have the power
to build someone up 
so help build them up to be 
everything they are meant to be.


your words will have an effect.
make sure you are spreading love

hope

and faith.

for they will always remain.

Bright Eyed Boy

oh, 

it's the bright eyed boy 
with the smile on his heart, 
that makes mine beat fast...
he's got me thinkin' 'bout 
that thing 
and I can only hope this will last...
I can see so much beauty
within those eyes,

emanating from deep within...

this joy, our hearts,
how safely they shine,

I never thought I'd feel this again...

a man of devotion,

my expectations surpassed...

oh,

how I pray this will last.

Every time

Every time I wake,
the Sun sings to my soul and my soul sings praises to the Lord.
How grateful I am to rise yet again!

Every time I wake,
my bones become more brittle, my skin aging from their demands,
forever being reminded that I am human.
Every time I wake,
your face breaks through the light, haunting my thoughts,
and I am burdened by your memory.

Every time, I pray for the strength to get through another day.

Every time I take a step,
through the moments,
through the breaths,
through the thoughts,
through the dreams,
through the mists,
through the memories,
you are present, yet fleeting,
and I am left empty...

Every time,
I expect you to be there,
waiting for me on my way home...



What took you so long, my darling?



Every time, I pray for the strength to get through this day.







Sorry, I couldn't make it.
you  are alive, here, inside my heart,
yet here, in this outside world, you are nothing
but the reflection of the ghost of a man
I once knew...
Every time I close my eyes,
your image floats through my mind,
and I am left reaching out yet grasping only Air.
Everytime I close my eyes,
the storm is relentless within, the Winds piercing
and crushing my heart, yet I am almost to the shore.

Every time I close my eyes,
the stars inside my mind seem to whisper
louder than the sound of your silence, I am not alone.

Everytime, I pray for the strength to get through today.

stressing

the stress is compressing my chest
it's at it's best, this darkness won't rest; I need Your light to profess:
MY LIFE IS A MESS!
come fix me, rid me of this hex
cause what's next, just might slip...
right out of my hand
but you understand :
that true love is greater than good sex,
for intimacy with You knows no end,
for knowing truth leads to true happiness,
that beyond the grave, lies no more sadness;
that along the way, though I might break and cave,

You are the provider of strength to get me through these days,
Initiator of faith, the One that always remains.

You are the Reason why I raise any praise.
my soul longs for the promises You made
and clings to the love You've displayed,

but right now, I need You to heal me from the pain.
please, hear these pleas, and raise me from my grave.

trust, yes, I must, for I musn't delay,
I pray my plea is heard today ...

(hear the finalized version in song: Original Song: One Almighty [sorry for the poor quality]

The Only Calm in the Storm

dark rain violently drips from the windows to my soul;
a rampaging river, fuming and crashing against jagged rocks.

raging thunders engulf the coasts of my veins—
mercilessly, relentlessly piercing the sands of my mind.

ccrrrrrack! a suffering slices itself through the air,
and my lungs are drained, hopelessly in want of breath.

the clouds furiously roll;
with haste, they completely cover the crimson horizon.

and yet, a movement among the mammatus’
exposes a Light— barely visible, this enchanting streak of gold…


for the only calm in the storm is the steady, rising, Sun.

Deserving of Love

I do not know why I treat you the way I do;

I feel like you deserve the best of me

but at times, I feel exactly the opposite--

that you deserve none of me.

Holding on to the past

has caused me to waste so many moments;

I know that deep within my heart,

but still,
I cannot keep my heart still
nor can I keep it away
from all the pain you have caused it in the past.

It is our past that haunts my present,
and although I genuinely want to move on
to a brighter and happier future,
I am still stuck in the mindset of our yesterdays.

I want to forgive and forget.
I pray for the strength to look past all our iniquities.
Hey, if Jesus could do it,
why can't I forgive you 77 x 7 times?
Why do I still struggle to just accept
what has been done, and move on?
It is so simple to do
and yet so difficult to get started on.

I search my heart, my mind, my soul;
what is it about my life that I feel stuck in this anger?
I want to let go,
to be able to fully move on,
and live a life of happiness--
the life that I deserve to live.
The life that you deserve, as well.

You deserve the moon and the stars,
the brightest lights to keep shining for you,
so bright that you are blinded by their beauty
and yet, you can't help but keep looking on.

You deserve the tightest hug and deepest kiss,
both of which would be incomplete without the other,
both of which would let you know that you are loved,
that you are protected and desired;
that there is my set of arms and my set of lips that needs yours.

You deserve A kiss that is electric fuzz fire,
that ignites into the deepest intricacies of you,
that laces itself through your bones and
that emanates from you with a heat so unforgiving,
the only way to deal with its intensity
is to just accept it as such.

You deserve the sweetest smile, everytime,
to know that you mean the world to me,
to know that you do make me smile,
that you stir in me a joy that can cause my world to
shift from misery to glory in less than an instant.

You deserve A heart that knows your own,
that is willing to get to know your own,
in all its imperfections and worries and glories,
and that is a complement to your own;
a heart that can beat just as fast and just as strong,
without cease, without exhaust.

You deserve the softest hand to hold through it all,
and a supportive voice to encourage you through your flaws;
you deserve these things because, although you are a Mountain Man to me (strong and willed), when you lack that strength, you will never be alone,
for my hand and my voice will be there for you.

You deserve all of this and more because I do as well...
We deserve happiness.

The question is:
Are we willing to REALLY try again? To actually forgive and forget?
To move on and accept that happiness is available if we just try (if I just try...)?
To give each other that heart that will be safe and warm?
To envelop eachother with the beautiful silken lips that stir the soul?
To lay down the flaws and embrace the Imperfect Perfection that is so wonderful?
Love is the answer to everything.

But if Love is knocking already,

so strong and persistent,
why can't I answer?

in the light of Hope

caught in the tangles of life

motionless

without a stir of sentiments

confused
distraught

brief seconds of contentness

are pursued--

almost chased down,
thrown down and beat down--
by the shadow of nothingness

what do i do?

a Light needs to be bright

for it to fulfill its purpose

and yet, aspirations
of any illumination
are what keep me weaving on.

Standing Time

Only time will tell.

Only Time will let us see if this is meant to be.

I know what I have to do,

and I know that you know what you have to do, as well,
but I don't know if you will have the courage to do it.

I think you will be a coward,
and I think you will keep making mistakes,
and whats more,
I know that even after more mistakes,
you will still want me,
but it will be too late.

So don't be a coward.
Stand up for what you believe in,
stand up for what you know is good,

for what you know is right.

Stand up and do not fall.
Stand up and rise above.

Stand up and show me
that you are courageous enough
and strong enough
to stand by my side
through it all.

This Journey of Mine

I was slowly sinking into endless blackness,
heading for a road of dark and dim despair...
I felt like I had caged myself in,
sittin' and chillin' as I was sinnin',
and my mind went numb, my body caved in,
and something evil took over.
I was now somewhere I had never been.
So unhappy, so far away from the light, and
I went crazy , my mind raced with fear and and thought of no escape,
I had no ability to understand what was happening,
but all I knew was that I desperately wanted out,
tobefreefromthisthingthatwastryingtotake me.

As I cried inside and begged to have control again,
that was when, like a hand from above,
He spoke to me.
He held me.
He held me close to His heart and said that I would be okay.
He told me that I could choose the darkness or the light,
and I eagerly reached for the hopeful light,
and my eyes forever shut out the darkness.
I finally see with clarity how this journey goes,
and
My feet have been planted firmly on this road before me,
and with the light to guide me, I can start this new year of life--
this new year that I have been so mercifully blessed with.

I promise to never go back to the darkness.

Sweet Water,
Oh Sweet Water. You are always what I have needed.

And I thank that Hand for reaching out to me,
for helping me get up and keep walking.

Limitless Flight

From rooftop to rooftop,
The World is Limitless;
The horizon forever outstretching.
As the sun glistens so bright,
A cool breeze caresses my skin,
and reminds me that I'm alive.

As the pidgeon flies free,
I yearn to do the same,
to go where my heart desires
with nothing to hold me back.
But then I lift my eyes from this page,
and close them to feel the warmth of the sunlit day on my face.

Where am I?

On the terrace of new dreams, of new life,
of new chances.
I can fly away as the wind does,
touching the endless corners of this World.
I can fly, for there is not one single cloud in the sky
to hold me back.

The sun is bright and although the chills set in,
it is a new day, a new life, a new chance
to Fly...
wherever my heart truly desires.

Just Words

Words have the power to affect a life in ways undescribable.
Words have the power to break a heart further, or heal it entirely.

I've always wanted that type of love that makes me want to boldy speak
I LOVE YOU
from the top of a mountain,
because the True Love that I want is the
crazy,
consuming,
can't-live-without-each-other

type of Love.

And I have found all the Love I could ever be consumed with in Your Word.

I can't live without You
and even when I can't live anymore,
I will still have You.

How amazing is it to know that Your Word

outlasts any words that could leave my lips

or touch my heart.

Your Word has shown me how to be,
how to forgive,
and most importantly how to love.

You always know the right thing to say to me when I feel broken,
when I feel alone, when I feel low and unworthy...

After all my nights of wading in the silence

your words are the only ones that have striked me like a lightning bolt,

and that have changed my sight from darkness to light, showing me love in all its potentiality, in all its power.

And to You, there are just so many words gushing from my heart,
but I just need You to understand how much you've made the following two words mean to me:
Thank You.

Thank You for every thing;
Thank You for every day,
Thank You for every one,
Thank You for every word,

Thank You for every moment

that has led me back to you,
and that has
let me breathe in Your Love
just a little bit more,

and yet,
I know that
no words
will ever be

enough.

Immobility in the Storms

I will make it through this storm--

although the winds are harsh and sharp against my wounds,
I will make it through whether you are there or not.

I can't turn off what I feel,
all the pain, the love, the pain,

the memories;

vivid in my mind
seared into my heart...
although
I scream inside, "No More!"--
what is there left for me to do?

I can't seem to move.

I close my eyes ,
but my heart can't forget your image
and my skin crawls at the thought of another.

Is this all there is for me?

Almost a prisoner,
without a desire to escape,
I can't seem to move.

Through it All

When the music fades

When the outside is cold

and unwelcoming,

When the winds are harsh against my flesh,

and I can't go on anymore...

There You are.
Your Love inside my Heart,

You remind me that everything is alright,

You never let me forget that You are here

with me,

through it all.

When I'm alone and my soul cries out

When the pain is unbearable
and I can't say a word
When no one else dares to listen
to my brokenness,
and the music can't suffice me anymore,

There You are.
Your Love burns in my Heart,
You remind me that it's all okay,
I can't forget that You are here
with me,
through it all.

When the world seems too heavy,
When the words exist just to fill a void,
and when the sounds fight over the silence,
and the silence wins yet again,

There You are.
Forever with me in my heart,
Reminding me: I'm always here,
with you,
through it All.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Corazones Violados

Siento tanto dolor en mi ser.

Estoy dispuesta y desnuda a tu corazon,
o a lo que te queda de corazon;
porque ahorra solo reconosco los pedasitos delicados.

Un corazon
hecho tan frajil,
quebradizado
derrumbado
aislado
Violado...

Un corazon hecho
como la malla,
que no proteje
ni la puerta
ni la ventana;
hecho de lana
que no caricia
ni calienta,
ni sostiene.

Estoy dispuesta a ti,
para hacer lo que me pidas sin pensarlo dos veces,
y todo porque te quiero tanto.

Ahorra se lo que es sentir el dolor.
Ahorra se lo que es sentir el rencor,
Y ahorra se lo que es sentir la culpa.

Pero aqui me quedo sin duda,
esperando una luz,
o algo semejante,
para que yo sepa que todo lo mio,
y talves lo tuyo,
no se va a perder por el tiro de los vientos.

Evidence of a Soul

Oh, my Soul;
I know how you long to be free,
to be in a place where you can fly.
But for now, you are confined
to the walls of my skin;

I feel your pulse as it emanates from my heart

and ends as it impacts my bones,

yet if you could,

you would keep beating against my flesh

until you've won your liberty,

into the open air.

You long for more than what you have been given,

for that which seems so far out of reach, yet so close you could almost

kiss.
You long for that undescribable beauty
of celestial standards,
yet you are bound to my simple, terrestrial existence--
an existance which classifies you
as a soul that will remain
forever simple and mundane.

But, please,
keep beating against the confines of my bones,
because if you do,
at least I know you exist,
and that may perhaps prove
an existance beyond

simply

flesh.

So Much

I take a look at my life thus far
and the crazy twists and turns
I have undergone in a matter of months
...and I cannot help but be overwhelmed with how things turned out,
...and I cannot help but keep wondering why it had to happen this way,
...and I cannot help but be extremely grateful for where I am now.

They say that Dreams really do come true,
but am I still dreaming?
Or is this reality one that I can readily embrace,
one that I can fully take on,
without being afraid of it drifting off in the wind
as a dandelion does when you make a wish upon it.

I have been foolish in my actions;
I am sorry for what I've done.
I have been hateful towards the ones I love;
I am sorry for what I've said.
I have been lost because I ignored the Light;
I am sorry for straying from the right path.
I have been selfish by placing my desires first;
I am sorry for forgetting that others matter most.

I have been given a second chance;
I am so grateful for another opportunity to be happy.
I have been lifted up by the ones that know what it means to love;
I am so grateful that they still stand by me.
I have been shown a world of forgiveness and mercy;
I am so grateful that I need not dwell on my past.

I have been granted a new life;
I am so grateful for so much and more.

When I close my eyes,
I sometimes let the darkness
sink in for a little too long,
but when life seems
to get consumed in that blackness,
I remind myself
that I have the power to open my eyes,
that I have the strength to look towards the future,
that only I can show myself the things that will take me further.

There is So Much left for me to do,
There is So Much that I have been given,
and I know that there is So Much that I can do with the gifts laid before me.

Thank You, whoever You are.