For my Eyes Only

This is not for you

This is all just for me

I am strong

I am confident

I am motivated
I am determined
and most importantly,

I am hopeful.

I will find love,
I will find mutual support,
I will find commitment,
I will find devotion.

I know what I did wrong,
I know I wasn't happy,
I know that I was settling for less than I deserved,
for less than I really wanted.

I wanted to believe in you,

I wanted to believe in us,
but after everthing was said and done,
we were both forcing a current to flow against its destiny,
a flow against its course,
but we finally admitted this run was at its end.

Things were good once,

but things do change.

People change, and
we clearly did exactly that.

And I still weep every night,
but that's part of the healing process.
I weep for the bad, for the good,

for the wrong, for the right,

for that sweet touch that will not be shared again.
But those same once-gentle hands laid force against me,
and it was because I let it happen. Why?

Time will give me an answer.

There is no blame,

no fault,
no hurt,
no regret,

no remorse.

Just forgiveness.
and wisdom.

And hope,
for a better future,
for a happiness that awaits me eagerly.

This is what I Remember

I'm sitting here, out on a summer day,
the sun shinging so bright, the wind soft against me,
but all I can think about is you... and everything we shared.
Even though the weather is great and I should go out to play,
I just want to stay indoors and cry all this pain away--
and that's because no matter where I go or what I do,
it all just reminds me of you.

I am so disappointed in us, in how our frustrations got the best of us.
I saw my whole life with you; I even have a still image of our first kiss as a happily married couple. A sweet moment of a passionate kiss--you in your black suit with your hair sleeked back, and your hands tight on my waist, and I in my dress with my hands gently pressed on your cheeks, gentle enough to feel the smile on your face. That is what I remember.

And I also recall how proud I was of you as you received your license to rule the roads, as you received your diploma and graduated to the next step, as you held your patience trying to teach me the rules of the game. How I hold dear the memory of the videos you made, congratulating me on my big day... all the kissy faces, and the Love will Rock On hand gesture, and the sweet look in your eyes as you smiled to the camera. And I remember our very first and very last kiss. Those kisses will be the sweetest and dearest and most tightly held onto moments of my life. I still remember how amazing, how soft, and how meaningful your lips felt pressed against mine. I still remember how you held me as if to never let me go.

But then, a dark cloud looms, and I remember how stupid I was. As I cry through this, I can be honest with myself now that it's really over, and I admit that I am to blame for all our tragedy. I sit here and search my brain trying to figure out just exactly where I went wrong--what led me to be so cruel to you? You were deserving only of my affections, but instead my jealousy got the best of me and clouded my visions; my insecurities got the best of me and I physically hurt you--tears and blood,
and it still wasn't enough,
for you to leave this love.

But eventually, you cracked,
and I cracked,
and the marks left on my face,
and the bruises left on our hearts,
prove to me that we can't go back.

Maybe in time, all this will heal. Maybe your aggressions will change back to sweet and tender affections for me. Maybe our illusions can once again be our reality. Maybe we will learn and give us another chance. But then again,
I also remember us always holding onto the past--both the good and the bad. Maybe that's why our time has stopped here.

How it pains me that it seems that my life will be forever without you. I can almost not believe it. But I know it must be done.

With sincerest love and an ache in my heart, I apologize for all our misgivings and our wrongdoings. I can only hope that time will heal us and we can be happy again--
whether together again or... forever apart.