Deserving of Love

I do not know why I treat you the way I do;

I feel like you deserve the best of me

but at times, I feel exactly the opposite--

that you deserve none of me.

Holding on to the past

has caused me to waste so many moments;

I know that deep within my heart,

but still,
I cannot keep my heart still
nor can I keep it away
from all the pain you have caused it in the past.

It is our past that haunts my present,
and although I genuinely want to move on
to a brighter and happier future,
I am still stuck in the mindset of our yesterdays.

I want to forgive and forget.
I pray for the strength to look past all our iniquities.
Hey, if Jesus could do it,
why can't I forgive you 77 x 7 times?
Why do I still struggle to just accept
what has been done, and move on?
It is so simple to do
and yet so difficult to get started on.

I search my heart, my mind, my soul;
what is it about my life that I feel stuck in this anger?
I want to let go,
to be able to fully move on,
and live a life of happiness--
the life that I deserve to live.
The life that you deserve, as well.

You deserve the moon and the stars,
the brightest lights to keep shining for you,
so bright that you are blinded by their beauty
and yet, you can't help but keep looking on.

You deserve the tightest hug and deepest kiss,
both of which would be incomplete without the other,
both of which would let you know that you are loved,
that you are protected and desired;
that there is my set of arms and my set of lips that needs yours.

You deserve A kiss that is electric fuzz fire,
that ignites into the deepest intricacies of you,
that laces itself through your bones and
that emanates from you with a heat so unforgiving,
the only way to deal with its intensity
is to just accept it as such.

You deserve the sweetest smile, everytime,
to know that you mean the world to me,
to know that you do make me smile,
that you stir in me a joy that can cause my world to
shift from misery to glory in less than an instant.

You deserve A heart that knows your own,
that is willing to get to know your own,
in all its imperfections and worries and glories,
and that is a complement to your own;
a heart that can beat just as fast and just as strong,
without cease, without exhaust.

You deserve the softest hand to hold through it all,
and a supportive voice to encourage you through your flaws;
you deserve these things because, although you are a Mountain Man to me (strong and willed), when you lack that strength, you will never be alone,
for my hand and my voice will be there for you.

You deserve all of this and more because I do as well...
We deserve happiness.

The question is:
Are we willing to REALLY try again? To actually forgive and forget?
To move on and accept that happiness is available if we just try (if I just try...)?
To give each other that heart that will be safe and warm?
To envelop eachother with the beautiful silken lips that stir the soul?
To lay down the flaws and embrace the Imperfect Perfection that is so wonderful?
Love is the answer to everything.

But if Love is knocking already,

so strong and persistent,
why can't I answer?

Make me Free

A friend
who was not a friend
wound a cord around my flesh,
so deeply and mercilessly,
that it penetrated my skin,
and confined me to feel
intimidation
and fear.

& How interesting it is
that although I am
35,000 miles
away,
I can still feel
the deep-set marks
as they sit on my skin
and remind me
of the incisions
and briuses
on my heart
and my ego;
reminding me
of how I was held down
by the weight
of this ever-tightening cord.

Can distance stretch
and ultimately break
that tie that once held us so close?
Can distance fade
and ultimately erase
the photographs of our memories?

Can hours eliminate the guilt?
Can months erase the moments?
Can time put an end to the pain?

I am now miles away,
in a beautiful city
filled with the sights
and sounds
of culture,
and joy.
Yet, I am still worried
that upon my return,
my growth as a person
will fade
into the blackness,
into the cold,
sharp metals
of the cords,
as they intertwine themselves
with my being...

Can the distance
and the time

MAKE ME FREE

from that bond?

O, how I pray
that my GOOD BYE
showed you that
I am NO LONGER wound
to your whims.

I am free
and
I freed myself.

O, how I pray
that my GOOD BYE
shows you that
your tight grip
and endless demands
may end up choking
and killing
another
loved one
of yours.

Because they
still
are intertwined
with your
merciless cords.

Empty Truth

When life goes on, day by day,
slowly,
as the hours tick away
mercilessly and incessantly,
I cannot bare how things have become.

I used to have it all
and there are those that look at me,
and see my smile as it exposes an invalid truth,
for it seems as though my world is safe,
for it seems as though I am alright.

But this smile that seems so warm and welcoming
blinds them from the real me;
this smile allows me to keep a distance
and shelter all the hidden truths,
the hidden pains,
the countless disappointments.

They say they care about me
but they cannot tolerate my heart,
they won't care to listen,
for my heart has too much sadness
and who wants to hear only stories of sadness?

If I were to share my stories,
the stories of love and loss,
the stories of life and death,
I would still be left alone
with empty words
and empty breaths.
I would still be trying to recapture
my self, a self that has been
blindly whispered into the winds,
roaming the earth
desperately seeking a truth
and finding nothing but empty air.

Ode to Mother

July 1, 2007

You might look at her and see an ordinary woman.

I look at her and see a Fighter,

A Survivor,

A Hero,

A Friend.

I can see even more reflected in her eyes as her love shines through...

If only you knew her stories; where she's been, what she's been through, what she's seen...

Anything and everything that she's had to endure to get to where she is now,

and even though her current situation isn't the best,

she continues to make sacrifices in hopes of the slightest glimpse at success.

She's a strong woman who puts others first and her self second.

She is humble, hard-working, and honest, all of which are traits that would be admired by anyone, especially by those who have witnessed them first-hand.
I've been there for her as she has doubtlessly done for me, yet my love for her fails in comparison.
Her heart is generous,
her actions kind and of the best interest,
her words empowering,
and her smile warm and welcoming.
You might look at her and see an ordinary woman…
I look at her and see an extraordinary mother.