4 million (original song)

warning: shotty laptop speakers. you might want to keep your volume low, but turn up your ears to the lyrics!

VERSE 1

You're not the one, but you sure came really close.
Stole my glass heart, and broke it into four million 

little pieces, but I wonder if you knew

 that you
were everything, everything, everything.

We had it all, perfect love likened to violence.
Your heart was strong, but mine, hidden in sadness
And now I sit and stare and wonder if it could 

ever

Be fixed, but I'm still transfixed... 

CHORUS
4 million seconds

have seem to gone by.

But I can't deny

the will to survive.

Your love has tainted me,

 right down to my bones.

And I still don't know,

 where else I can go...

But amidst it All,

I learn to rise. 

VERSE 2
Though I had hopes, that you would be my One, 
All the songs I wrote, still you never did listen.
And now it seems that time has silenced both our words
And e-verything

 in between
Now it just hurts, when your memory attacks;
Forcing me to run around an endless racetrack.
But now I know that time, can't erase you from 

my mind,
I wonder what will be next...

BRIDGE
You moved me, first shook me, then broke me

hurt me and mourned me then left me

 Over and Over and Over

Your Love, Your love
You hit me, first beat me, then scarred me

drowned me and stained me, bu-ried me

Over and Over and Over

Your Love, Your love
I rebuilt me and broke free

withstood every damn thing

resurrected, still standing

 I'm over I'm over I'm over

your love, your love

For my Eyes Only

This is not for you

This is all just for me

I am strong

I am confident

I am motivated
I am determined
and most importantly,

I am hopeful.

I will find love,
I will find mutual support,
I will find commitment,
I will find devotion.

I know what I did wrong,
I know I wasn't happy,
I know that I was settling for less than I deserved,
for less than I really wanted.

I wanted to believe in you,

I wanted to believe in us,
but after everthing was said and done,
we were both forcing a current to flow against its destiny,
a flow against its course,
but we finally admitted this run was at its end.

Things were good once,

but things do change.

People change, and
we clearly did exactly that.

And I still weep every night,
but that's part of the healing process.
I weep for the bad, for the good,

for the wrong, for the right,

for that sweet touch that will not be shared again.
But those same once-gentle hands laid force against me,
and it was because I let it happen. Why?

Time will give me an answer.

There is no blame,

no fault,
no hurt,
no regret,

no remorse.

Just forgiveness.
and wisdom.

And hope,
for a better future,
for a happiness that awaits me eagerly.

This is what I Remember

I'm sitting here, out on a summer day,
the sun shinging so bright, the wind soft against me,
but all I can think about is you... and everything we shared.
Even though the weather is great and I should go out to play,
I just want to stay indoors and cry all this pain away--
and that's because no matter where I go or what I do,
it all just reminds me of you.

I am so disappointed in us, in how our frustrations got the best of us.
I saw my whole life with you; I even have a still image of our first kiss as a happily married couple. A sweet moment of a passionate kiss--you in your black suit with your hair sleeked back, and your hands tight on my waist, and I in my dress with my hands gently pressed on your cheeks, gentle enough to feel the smile on your face. That is what I remember.

And I also recall how proud I was of you as you received your license to rule the roads, as you received your diploma and graduated to the next step, as you held your patience trying to teach me the rules of the game. How I hold dear the memory of the videos you made, congratulating me on my big day... all the kissy faces, and the Love will Rock On hand gesture, and the sweet look in your eyes as you smiled to the camera. And I remember our very first and very last kiss. Those kisses will be the sweetest and dearest and most tightly held onto moments of my life. I still remember how amazing, how soft, and how meaningful your lips felt pressed against mine. I still remember how you held me as if to never let me go.

But then, a dark cloud looms, and I remember how stupid I was. As I cry through this, I can be honest with myself now that it's really over, and I admit that I am to blame for all our tragedy. I sit here and search my brain trying to figure out just exactly where I went wrong--what led me to be so cruel to you? You were deserving only of my affections, but instead my jealousy got the best of me and clouded my visions; my insecurities got the best of me and I physically hurt you--tears and blood,
and it still wasn't enough,
for you to leave this love.

But eventually, you cracked,
and I cracked,
and the marks left on my face,
and the bruises left on our hearts,
prove to me that we can't go back.

Maybe in time, all this will heal. Maybe your aggressions will change back to sweet and tender affections for me. Maybe our illusions can once again be our reality. Maybe we will learn and give us another chance. But then again,
I also remember us always holding onto the past--both the good and the bad. Maybe that's why our time has stopped here.

How it pains me that it seems that my life will be forever without you. I can almost not believe it. But I know it must be done.

With sincerest love and an ache in my heart, I apologize for all our misgivings and our wrongdoings. I can only hope that time will heal us and we can be happy again--
whether together again or... forever apart.

Standing Time

Only time will tell.

Only Time will let us see if this is meant to be.

I know what I have to do,

and I know that you know what you have to do, as well,
but I don't know if you will have the courage to do it.

I think you will be a coward,
and I think you will keep making mistakes,
and whats more,
I know that even after more mistakes,
you will still want me,
but it will be too late.

So don't be a coward.
Stand up for what you believe in,
stand up for what you know is good,

for what you know is right.

Stand up and do not fall.
Stand up and rise above.

Stand up and show me
that you are courageous enough
and strong enough
to stand by my side
through it all.

Chained to Love

Regardless of the distance that is physically between
My heart is still tied down to your love

It can't break free

It can't fly away
And It doesn't even want to . . .

This Love and this Fire

That Burns Through me

Can't be tamed by new winds

or the oceans between
Because neither the sky nor the sea
Can break the hold you have on me.

Your love, so beautiful
so dangerous, so precious,
so consuming, so delirious,
so incandescent and serious,

has changed me

and has become
something I can't live without.

Though I'm terrified
of what may come to be,
Your love and your memory
have become ingrained in me
to the point where
your chains are what have set me free.

Burning

One day , and everything can change
Two hours, and nothing left remains
Three words, where's my strength?
Are we really doing this again?

No one knows our story
No one sees the victory
No one feels the pain to be apart
No one hears my crying heart

The more I love you
The more I drown inside
inside the memories
inside the past
so deep down
lost
with no escape

Burning,
My heart is burning,
Consumed,
On fire,
for the love that no one understands,
not even us.

No matter the distance between
Or how many different routines,
My heart always clings to your hand,
Because I love you more than you can
ever come to understand.

This isn't as crazy as it seems.
Trust me. Please.

So, tell me one thing:
Where are you now?

Flores Encantadoras

Tus Flores Encantadoras
Promesas llenas de fragancia;
Una suave brisa
que acaricia y embriaga

Aqui estoy desesperada
ajuntada y sellada,
con tu quemadura
fuerte de amor.
Aqui estoy respirando
el aire viejo,
y a lo lento
ya no siento
tu valor.

No sabes lo que me haces
quando no estas de cerca.
Quando no te escucho los pasos,
mi corazon no palpita.
Es porque me faltas tu
que la vida se me pierde.

Como al vidrio quebradizado,
estoy mirando un reflejo
que no es semejante de lo que fui.
Como al vidrio destrozado,
me miro y pienso
adonde se fue todo de mi.

Unge mi alma de tus promesas fragantes,
para que el llanto se aleje di mi corazon creciente,
para que el canto de un 'si' se une a mi;
para que el dolor y desafio no me paraliza en lo frio
para que el amor de mi vida se siente bienvenida
y todo esto a rodillas lo pido a ti.

Era blanca y pura
esa primera rosa;
Veremos si a los años
la encontraremos
igual asi...

Evidence of a Soul

Oh, my Soul;
I know how you long to be free,
to be in a place where you can fly.
But for now, you are confined
to the walls of my skin;

I feel your pulse as it emanates from my heart

and ends as it impacts my bones,

yet if you could,

you would keep beating against my flesh

until you've won your liberty,

into the open air.

You long for more than what you have been given,

for that which seems so far out of reach, yet so close you could almost

kiss.
You long for that undescribable beauty
of celestial standards,
yet you are bound to my simple, terrestrial existence--
an existance which classifies you
as a soul that will remain
forever simple and mundane.

But, please,
keep beating against the confines of my bones,
because if you do,
at least I know you exist,
and that may perhaps prove
an existance beyond

simply

flesh.

Day One

It all starts with that first goodbye,

the goodbye that never was,

the goodbye that was muted from my ears

and blinded from my sight.

I was never allowed the chance to hear his voice.
I was never given the opportunity
to see the face of that man,
to look into the eyes that I know resemble mine..
And he left before I had the chance to say hello,
before he knew that he helped my existence.

And so it all starts with that first goodbye,

where I was forced to ignore that part of my life from day one,

yet from that one day on,
I was strengthened
through the silent words and empty heart beats

and I learned just as she has,

to keep going,

to move on,

to learn and live.

I live now remembering that emptiness in my heart,
I live now wishing for a chance to fix the past,
I live now wondering why he left her without a second glance;

I live now knowing that it doesnt matter anymore.

All that matters is today;
this perfect moment,

this deep breath,

this beating heart,

this new chance for

this new life.

I am now living

I am living now

Sweet Message

d i s i l l u s i o n e d;
my dreams of love and life
were shattered,
more so
ripped
right from beneath me,
but
I have finally planted my feet
firmly on the ground,
upon a Rock
that will never move,
for I have finally realized
that whether alone or not,
we must continue to walk on.

The path we walk is the one that we choose,
and we must not forget that when we do so,
we must walk always looking ahead,
while watching each step that we take.
Whether that path shines bright
or dims away into the darkness,
our eyes should never stray from the
sweet moon beam
and
starlit entities
that shine right over our lives.
The amazing gift of life takes us on infinite journeys
of the mind
of the heart
and of the soul,
but in the end,
we never get out of it alive.
Because of that,
our gaze should be focused on the one thing that unites us all: Love;
for it is Love that brought us into the world,
and it is Love that will lead us correctly.

P.S. I will always love You.

Empty Truth

When life goes on, day by day,
slowly,
as the hours tick away
mercilessly and incessantly,
I cannot bare how things have become.

I used to have it all
and there are those that look at me,
and see my smile as it exposes an invalid truth,
for it seems as though my world is safe,
for it seems as though I am alright.

But this smile that seems so warm and welcoming
blinds them from the real me;
this smile allows me to keep a distance
and shelter all the hidden truths,
the hidden pains,
the countless disappointments.

They say they care about me
but they cannot tolerate my heart,
they won't care to listen,
for my heart has too much sadness
and who wants to hear only stories of sadness?

If I were to share my stories,
the stories of love and loss,
the stories of life and death,
I would still be left alone
with empty words
and empty breaths.
I would still be trying to recapture
my self, a self that has been
blindly whispered into the winds,
roaming the earth
desperately seeking a truth
and finding nothing but empty air.

So Great a Love

Irreconcilable fear: Be still my heart, Yet the pain continues to ache, Continues to bury my hopes

Come back my love. I need you to be there beside me because you anchor me; You hold me, You help me. I need you more than I need myself.

I hold a Love so true, a Love so great, and it’s all for you. Never would I have guessed that I would feel so strongly, so longingly, so honestly, so great a love. And yet I do. Here I am: Baring it all once again, and I fear that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Please forgive me: Irreconcilable anguish. So much stillness when you’re gone, But my heart is not still; My heart won’t let me sleep. I yearn for my eyes to close, for a chance at bliss in my dreams, Yet my heart is not still and I still cannot sleep.

The hours choke my lungs strangling out the tears, and they come incessantly, viciously. I am held captive to the hours, to the lonely, miserable hours. They mercilessly cut into me, and I bleed sadness. Never would I have guess that I would feel so sad, so alone, so remorseful, because of so great a love.

I recount our endless, priceless memories. So beautiful. I ache knowing that there is a chance that all that beauty may disappear and leave in its wake darkness, only darkness. Please do not take away the light that makes me so happy.

So great a Love, you are so good to me. Please forgive me.

One more chance at Love is all I ask for. I will be good to you. I promise I will be good to you as sure as the sun will set on my past and a new sun will rise for our future. What a Glorious day that will be to see a newly rising sun; to see the meadows flourish and blossom with new daisies of tomorrows and forget-me-not’s.

I am waiting.

For the Under-Achievers

(While observing a twelvth grade Calculus class at East Side Community H.S, I wondered...)

Are they really underachievers?

Maybe they just don't know ther're not FULLY achieving, yet?

The majority of them have their phones out, or their heads down,
or their eyes up
staring at the clouds.
It's a gorgeous day and
they'd rather be outside
instead of inside
learning about their limits--instead of
figuring out their domains
and
their far-reaching ranges.

The girl that's focused on her appearance
more than her achievement
just confessed to smoking weed.
She should confess to herself
that she is starving herself
of a need to succeed.

So much chitterchatter,
instead of the scribblescrabble
of pencils to paper;
instead of the ignited minds
consumed in finding the time
to figure out that life
beyond the classroom
won't care for, won't spare for
the under-achievers,
for the little dreamers;
only for the Dream Keepers,
for those that overcome and over-achieve.
Only for those that retain their hopes,
for those that mantain running for their goals and dreams,
with their eyes on the prize
no matter what the cost!

Because a life free from worries,
not bound to failure and poverty,
not bound to the "I know I could've done more"s
or the "I'm so sorry"s;
A life not bound to the limits
is worth striving for--and all because
of an education that stirred success
from generation to generation.

With determination in your hearts
and education in your mind,
a Life of endless possibilities
can be yours
if you just try.

And the Pheonix also Rises

This World has aged you,
taken your once innocent body
and harbored it beneath the ashes,
beneath the darkness.

You want to overcome it;
Reach out!
Fly out!
Spread your wings
for a new chance at Life!
for a New Chance into the Light!

But the flames still consume you
and your Eyes are Blinded from the
Glory beyond this World,
beyond the burden of these ashes.

Do you want to be free?

Raise up, Precious Child;
like the Phoenix, you can raise yourself up again,
out of the ashes and into a New Freedom.

Raise up, Innocent Angel;
like the Pheonix, you can go above and beyond the flames,
where the fire can
no longer harm you,
for you have a New Light on your side.

Raise up from the ashes.
Do not let the remains
of these burdens
keep
you
down.
Raise up! It is a New Day!
There will always be
a New Day.

Belleza del Alma

March 31, 2010

Belleza del Alma,
adonde te me fuiste?
Te esperare,
aunque este triste.
Tu luz
maravillosa
enciende entre
la oscuridad
de la noche.
Mi corazon
se siente terrible,
pero aqui
te esperare.. hasta la muerte.
No me importa,
si las horas
me rodean o me ahogan,
con este sentimiento
tan triste.
Aqui espero tu regreso
y te esperare
para siempre ...

Ode to Mother

July 1, 2007

You might look at her and see an ordinary woman.

I look at her and see a Fighter,

A Survivor,

A Hero,

A Friend.

I can see even more reflected in her eyes as her love shines through...

If only you knew her stories; where she's been, what she's been through, what she's seen...

Anything and everything that she's had to endure to get to where she is now,

and even though her current situation isn't the best,

she continues to make sacrifices in hopes of the slightest glimpse at success.

She's a strong woman who puts others first and her self second.

She is humble, hard-working, and honest, all of which are traits that would be admired by anyone, especially by those who have witnessed them first-hand.
I've been there for her as she has doubtlessly done for me, yet my love for her fails in comparison.
Her heart is generous,
her actions kind and of the best interest,
her words empowering,
and her smile warm and welcoming.
You might look at her and see an ordinary woman…
I look at her and see an extraordinary mother.