Here, I am (original song)

original song by Stephanie T. Villeda. inspired by God's Unconditional Love. 


Verse 1
I don't even know where to start
Seems that everyone has broken my heart
I Try to discern Your Voice from theirs
Tell me, do You really hear my prayers?


CHORUS:
Here, I am, calling out to You
Tell me, God, do You hear me too?
Do You love me, like they tell me You do?
Show me, Show me, I want to know You.


Verse 2
I don't even know what to say
seems that everytime I try to pray
my heart is so consumed with
the worries of the day 
please, take the pain away


Yet, in You, I trust always


CHORUS:
Here, I am, calling out to You
Tell me, God, do You hear me too?
Do You love me, like they tell me You do?
Show me, Show me, I want to know You.


Bridge
I close my eyes, Expose my heart, Here I am, Before You (4x)
And I feel Your Love, knocking deep inside my heart
And I know You're here, everything points straight to You
And I know You're real, deserving of every praise,
but I steady my voice as I hear You say...


CHORUS:
Here, I am, calling out for you
Tell me, Son, do you want Me too?
Do you love Me? 'Cause I've always loved you.
Show Me, Show Me, I want to know... you.

Like You

Let me take this second to introduce myself,
I am a human like you, no more no less,
I'm here to help clarify some misconceptions,
and bring back all Honor and Glory in His Direction.
See Life, this one we have, was designed with perfection,
but the One who designed it gaves us freedom of selection:
To choose what we choose and live how we may,
knowing that His Vicotry is without condemnation.
See, I can readily speak with no hesitation,
words flowing, thoughts in easy cirulation,
but the reason behing this is Capital-T Truth         for the Nations.
See, with Him, there is no End, just Eternal Salvation.
But that freedom of choice is what allowed us to bring in Sin and evil,
We exposed our own nakedness back in the Garden of Eden:
Shame and pin befell
Our own disobedience led us straight to Hell,
but uh, I don't know if you've heard:
There is hope. And it lies in the Word.
Peace of mind, free from all binds,
not caught in the sands of time,
we are liberated in divine grace,
So, Redirect your attention and come to face these lines from Scripture:
With Him , in Him, and Of him, be more like Him,
continue no sin, show Him that you Love Him.
For the Love of money and greed has got you deceived,
So, Love your Neighbor and your Enemies.
If we really believe or our eyes are beginning to see,
then the latter is the reality we need to perceive.

I've come to realize that nothing is more important than Him.
That this life I hold in my hands was once drowning in Sin,
But because He came, Died, Resurrected, and will come Again,
My life belongs in His hands, His Viictory: My Win.
And It's a shame some don't know his Name and everything he's done,
He's healed the blind and the lame, and He died to make you His Son.
But pfft, what Do I know? I'm just a Human Like you.
But wait, ! He saved my life, and that is some pretty good news...

The Visitor

A visitor drifted into my town,

and we met on the corner of Love and Lust.

His voice so deep, mysterious, and profound;

to explore it further was a must.

Walking among the giants of the city,

his hand kept mine warm and protected.

He said, "You're so beautiful. So pretty,"
and for some small moments, we connected.

Gazing over candlelight,
with soft jazz interludes,
We shared memories of a long time passed.
Desire was winning the fight,
as my heart did finally conclude,
to kiss could not be wrong, though it wouldn't last.

With fingers interlaced,
we traveled across the Brooklyn bridge,
the city forever shining, so glorious, momentous.
With judgement misplaced,
I was fighting the brevity of this image;

my heart knew I'd be losing, this nakedness, too dangerous.

We continued on to the center of Times Square,

where the stairs are red and the crowd is contagious.

His lips brushed mine as my heart echoed a prayer,

but what we had will remain as always nameless.

It all had been for no more than three days,
but something so beautiful had occurred.
He taught me that kisses could come as bouquets,
a dozen or more, enthralling and completely absurd.

I've been told that when good things come,

they shouldn't be questioned.

They are worthwhile, passionate and seldom,

and may even be pre-destined.

And alas, I do long for yet another moment,

but more so, I pray that I may be Pardoned...

for The visitor had came and went,

leaving my lips stained, crimsoned, abandoned.

Deserving of Love

I do not know why I treat you the way I do;

I feel like you deserve the best of me

but at times, I feel exactly the opposite--

that you deserve none of me.

Holding on to the past

has caused me to waste so many moments;

I know that deep within my heart,

but still,
I cannot keep my heart still
nor can I keep it away
from all the pain you have caused it in the past.

It is our past that haunts my present,
and although I genuinely want to move on
to a brighter and happier future,
I am still stuck in the mindset of our yesterdays.

I want to forgive and forget.
I pray for the strength to look past all our iniquities.
Hey, if Jesus could do it,
why can't I forgive you 77 x 7 times?
Why do I still struggle to just accept
what has been done, and move on?
It is so simple to do
and yet so difficult to get started on.

I search my heart, my mind, my soul;
what is it about my life that I feel stuck in this anger?
I want to let go,
to be able to fully move on,
and live a life of happiness--
the life that I deserve to live.
The life that you deserve, as well.

You deserve the moon and the stars,
the brightest lights to keep shining for you,
so bright that you are blinded by their beauty
and yet, you can't help but keep looking on.

You deserve the tightest hug and deepest kiss,
both of which would be incomplete without the other,
both of which would let you know that you are loved,
that you are protected and desired;
that there is my set of arms and my set of lips that needs yours.

You deserve A kiss that is electric fuzz fire,
that ignites into the deepest intricacies of you,
that laces itself through your bones and
that emanates from you with a heat so unforgiving,
the only way to deal with its intensity
is to just accept it as such.

You deserve the sweetest smile, everytime,
to know that you mean the world to me,
to know that you do make me smile,
that you stir in me a joy that can cause my world to
shift from misery to glory in less than an instant.

You deserve A heart that knows your own,
that is willing to get to know your own,
in all its imperfections and worries and glories,
and that is a complement to your own;
a heart that can beat just as fast and just as strong,
without cease, without exhaust.

You deserve the softest hand to hold through it all,
and a supportive voice to encourage you through your flaws;
you deserve these things because, although you are a Mountain Man to me (strong and willed), when you lack that strength, you will never be alone,
for my hand and my voice will be there for you.

You deserve all of this and more because I do as well...
We deserve happiness.

The question is:
Are we willing to REALLY try again? To actually forgive and forget?
To move on and accept that happiness is available if we just try (if I just try...)?
To give each other that heart that will be safe and warm?
To envelop eachother with the beautiful silken lips that stir the soul?
To lay down the flaws and embrace the Imperfect Perfection that is so wonderful?
Love is the answer to everything.

But if Love is knocking already,

so strong and persistent,
why can't I answer?

Subsequent Sentiments

speechless

emotionless

timeless

senseless

empowered

released
relieved

reinstated

rising

surmising

surpassing

and growing

and all of this
due to us;
I thank my lucky stars
and the Sun above.

For my Eyes Only

This is not for you

This is all just for me

I am strong

I am confident

I am motivated
I am determined
and most importantly,

I am hopeful.

I will find love,
I will find mutual support,
I will find commitment,
I will find devotion.

I know what I did wrong,
I know I wasn't happy,
I know that I was settling for less than I deserved,
for less than I really wanted.

I wanted to believe in you,

I wanted to believe in us,
but after everthing was said and done,
we were both forcing a current to flow against its destiny,
a flow against its course,
but we finally admitted this run was at its end.

Things were good once,

but things do change.

People change, and
we clearly did exactly that.

And I still weep every night,
but that's part of the healing process.
I weep for the bad, for the good,

for the wrong, for the right,

for that sweet touch that will not be shared again.
But those same once-gentle hands laid force against me,
and it was because I let it happen. Why?

Time will give me an answer.

There is no blame,

no fault,
no hurt,
no regret,

no remorse.

Just forgiveness.
and wisdom.

And hope,
for a better future,
for a happiness that awaits me eagerly.

Rain

As the raindrops slowly fall,
gradually accumulating on the once-dry cement floor,
memories of the past slowly wet my mind,
inhibiting my thoughts from grasping the present reality.

As the raindrops first begin,
unknowingly clustering as an empty mass above my head,
my eyes close
and my face welcomes their stain on my skin.

I am
Saturated,
Consumed,
and the stains begin to feel my own.
But I urge myself to head home.

And yet,
as the raindrops
.`.`.`.`.gently.`.`
.`.`.`.slither.`.`.`
.`.`.`.`.down.`.`.`.`
`.`.`.`.the.`.`.`.`.
.`.`.`.`.`.window`.`.,
forming families every now and then only to

B UR ST

and

s e p a r a t e
from how saturated
they have become,

my hands writhe against the cold table,
itching for an escape.


It was inevitable.

And no roof could ever prevent their seeping presence.

Jealousy

(written April 19, 2011)

A rage of passions deep within
that not even time can keep caged in.
These feelings and thoughts are riddled of sin,
and can't be drowned with bottles of gin.
If only trust could be acquired again,
then the pangs of angst could cease to exist,
and then maybe,
the violent words could be stifled, muted, hidden...

Faithful in heart, and yet, this jealousy fit
has left only ice cold empty bitterness.
Where can the tiny bulb of love blossom?
Where are those delicate lips that have chosen.. to lie?
Lips so desirable, but only to lies.
Fibs so unbearable, dismissed by disguise,
and all the while, there exists a never-ceasing ringing
warning your thrusting hips to stop singing
the song so loved by the faithful heart,
because that once perfect melody has been torn apart.

There are only Spoken words embodying a Possible Beauty,
and possibly another forgiving opportunity...
But the repeated apologies
are now thrown to the side,
resembling only a broken hand
of a second in time.

Just Words

Words have the power to affect a life in ways undescribable.
Words have the power to break a heart further, or heal it entirely.

I've always wanted that type of love that makes me want to boldy speak
I LOVE YOU
from the top of a mountain,
because the True Love that I want is the
crazy,
consuming,
can't-live-without-each-other

type of Love.

And I have found all the Love I could ever be consumed with in Your Word.

I can't live without You
and even when I can't live anymore,
I will still have You.

How amazing is it to know that Your Word

outlasts any words that could leave my lips

or touch my heart.

Your Word has shown me how to be,
how to forgive,
and most importantly how to love.

You always know the right thing to say to me when I feel broken,
when I feel alone, when I feel low and unworthy...

After all my nights of wading in the silence

your words are the only ones that have striked me like a lightning bolt,

and that have changed my sight from darkness to light, showing me love in all its potentiality, in all its power.

And to You, there are just so many words gushing from my heart,
but I just need You to understand how much you've made the following two words mean to me:
Thank You.

Thank You for every thing;
Thank You for every day,
Thank You for every one,
Thank You for every word,

Thank You for every moment

that has led me back to you,
and that has
let me breathe in Your Love
just a little bit more,

and yet,
I know that
no words
will ever be

enough.

Freedom

Betrayed
Beyond Repair
in more ways than flesh...
In spirit , in love,
all lies
just lies

A year to show me the truth
A year to pass by so I can see the truth;
the truth you were too afraid to tell.
But the truth always finds its way,

because "The Truth shall set you free"

and now,

because of the occluded life you lived,

that life of secrets that is no more,

I am free.

Freedom is Sweet--

for after the truth there is nothing left.

With nothing left, I can start to live

because now there is nothing to lose;

I have nothing to lose because you were never really mine,

Interesting that now you want to belong to me.

But, did you know--I don't want you anymore:

I choose my Freedom.

Sweet Deception

I was so naive,
I was deceived by your sweetness.
I was nothing more but your next prey
and my soul is now devoured completely.

I'm stuck in this fog
and I can't see what's in front of me,
I only know where I've been and where I came from;
And somehow, you're stuck here with me.

I try to break free from the cold winds,
but my lungs are constricted more and more
and the more I try to move forward into the blindness
the more I do not sway from where I am.

The ice has settled
and I am numb.

Through it All

When the music fades

When the outside is cold

and unwelcoming,

When the winds are harsh against my flesh,

and I can't go on anymore...

There You are.
Your Love inside my Heart,

You remind me that everything is alright,

You never let me forget that You are here

with me,

through it all.

When I'm alone and my soul cries out

When the pain is unbearable
and I can't say a word
When no one else dares to listen
to my brokenness,
and the music can't suffice me anymore,

There You are.
Your Love burns in my Heart,
You remind me that it's all okay,
I can't forget that You are here
with me,
through it all.

When the world seems too heavy,
When the words exist just to fill a void,
and when the sounds fight over the silence,
and the silence wins yet again,

There You are.
Forever with me in my heart,
Reminding me: I'm always here,
with you,
through it All.

All Of Me

Lord take this broken heart
and these broken wings
and help me Fly again
with the power of Your love
Lord I give You my soul
There's nothing left to hide
'Cause now all the I need
is the Love from Your Light

CHORUS:
Lord, Jesus Christ
I'm giving it all
I give you my life
'cause You gave up Yours
For the sins of the world
and even though I may Fall,
I just want You to know that
I'm giving You All of me.

(repeat)

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Burning

One day , and everything can change
Two hours, and nothing left remains
Three words, where's my strength?
Are we really doing this again?

No one knows our story
No one sees the victory
No one feels the pain to be apart
No one hears my crying heart

The more I love you
The more I drown inside
inside the memories
inside the past
so deep down
lost
with no escape

Burning,
My heart is burning,
Consumed,
On fire,
for the love that no one understands,
not even us.

No matter the distance between
Or how many different routines,
My heart always clings to your hand,
Because I love you more than you can
ever come to understand.

This isn't as crazy as it seems.
Trust me. Please.

So, tell me one thing:
Where are you now?

Speechless Love

What is there to say when the miles in between our hearts are manifested more than just physically?
You tell me day after day that you ache for my presence, for my touch, for my kiss...
Yet, you deny me the right to any happiness because
you rip it all away the moment you ossilate in between the 'yes' and 'no';
Ofcourse, I should know better, because all you've ever been
is something in between a solid answer or a definite denial;
you've always been the middle ground that leads me nowhere.

How I wish that with every word I write, your spite and strife

your pain and might

would just erase themselves from my life...

How I wish that with every word I write, my joy my sanity

my love for humanity

would just blossom once more, out and away from your uncertainty...

How I wish that with every word I write, my soul and my eyes

my heart and my lies
would close themselves from you and breath in a new demise...

No matter how much distance comes between us,
no matter how much time seems to stand still
or how much time seems to prolong the process of healing,
there is still pain
there is still remorse
there is still regret

there is still uncertainty

No matter how much may change , you will always stay the same.
And I think I finally figured that out.

Away from your words, your heart, your touch, your kiss--a miracle has happened within my being; I want to be free. From you.

So Much

I take a look at my life thus far
and the crazy twists and turns
I have undergone in a matter of months
...and I cannot help but be overwhelmed with how things turned out,
...and I cannot help but keep wondering why it had to happen this way,
...and I cannot help but be extremely grateful for where I am now.

They say that Dreams really do come true,
but am I still dreaming?
Or is this reality one that I can readily embrace,
one that I can fully take on,
without being afraid of it drifting off in the wind
as a dandelion does when you make a wish upon it.

I have been foolish in my actions;
I am sorry for what I've done.
I have been hateful towards the ones I love;
I am sorry for what I've said.
I have been lost because I ignored the Light;
I am sorry for straying from the right path.
I have been selfish by placing my desires first;
I am sorry for forgetting that others matter most.

I have been given a second chance;
I am so grateful for another opportunity to be happy.
I have been lifted up by the ones that know what it means to love;
I am so grateful that they still stand by me.
I have been shown a world of forgiveness and mercy;
I am so grateful that I need not dwell on my past.

I have been granted a new life;
I am so grateful for so much and more.

When I close my eyes,
I sometimes let the darkness
sink in for a little too long,
but when life seems
to get consumed in that blackness,
I remind myself
that I have the power to open my eyes,
that I have the strength to look towards the future,
that only I can show myself the things that will take me further.

There is So Much left for me to do,
There is So Much that I have been given,
and I know that there is So Much that I can do with the gifts laid before me.

Thank You, whoever You are.

Sweet Message

d i s i l l u s i o n e d;
my dreams of love and life
were shattered,
more so
ripped
right from beneath me,
but
I have finally planted my feet
firmly on the ground,
upon a Rock
that will never move,
for I have finally realized
that whether alone or not,
we must continue to walk on.

The path we walk is the one that we choose,
and we must not forget that when we do so,
we must walk always looking ahead,
while watching each step that we take.
Whether that path shines bright
or dims away into the darkness,
our eyes should never stray from the
sweet moon beam
and
starlit entities
that shine right over our lives.
The amazing gift of life takes us on infinite journeys
of the mind
of the heart
and of the soul,
but in the end,
we never get out of it alive.
Because of that,
our gaze should be focused on the one thing that unites us all: Love;
for it is Love that brought us into the world,
and it is Love that will lead us correctly.

P.S. I will always love You.

CrossRoads

What to do?
I do not know where to go from here;
This is a sad place: It is a sad place because I have always placed love on a pedestal,
making it the most important mission of my life. I only ever wanted love.

This is a sad place: A cross-roads where my heart is torn right down the middle, between everything I cherished and everything I Adore.

I know that both roads lead to Him, though one is narrow and direct and the other is wide and swerving. But my impatient heart can't bare how long both those roads are, and how long it will take to travel them.

The wide road has all of my past, including your memories and all our moments
and all our love-that-was; this road has all those moments visible and bare and exposed. And on this road, you are still there.

And yet the other road, the direct road, has all the same memories,
except over the agonizingly painful moments there is a Cross. This Cross has one highly-appreciated service: it blocks from my sight the pain, the loneliness, the torture.
But on this road, I also can't see the future.
So I am a scared.

I am torn down the middle.
My heart longs to travel the road of Crosses,
but I worry that you won't be there in the future.
I know that the road with my life’s memories, bare and naked and exposed, may still have you, but it doesn't have the future I long for; a future that shines bright because of God's curing and unending light.

It is a sad place because I have always placed love on a pedestal,
making it the most important mission of my life.
But now, Love is the priority; the Love of Christ and
by embellishing my heart in this True Love,
I am
drowning my sorrows
and trading them
for the safety of the Lord.

I hope you're at the end of the road with me, sharing in Love,
but even if you're not,
I'm starting my journey on the road with Crosses.
I am
going the distance
so that True Love
can be my only, direct guide.

Una Nota de Amor

April 19, 2010

Tu Palabra, como Blanca Luz,
tan pura, tan buena,
me ayuda cuando todo se siente
tan oscuro, tan frio.
Tan Infinito, es Tu Amor.
Tan Definitivo, eres Tu Senor.
Mi Gran Protector,
el Silenciador de todas mis ancias,
mis miedos, mis angustias,
mis inseguridades.
Entre nuestras transgressiones,
La Buena Noticia eres Tu, Padre Santo;
que limpias todo para que sea 'Pureza' una vez mas.
Que Felicidad.
Gracias Senor por tener tu mano sobre mi,
por darme una vida nueva una vez mas.
Que Lindo eres, Tan Bueno; siempre tan bueno..
En mi corazon hay un fuego que nunca se apagara,
y ese fuego se enciendera siempre
por Ti y para Ti,
para toda esta vida que me regalas cada dia.
Si Senor, te seguire hasta mas aya que el final.
Si Dios Padre, te amara hasta mas aya que mi corazon podra.
Si Bendito Jesus, siempre estare con Ti
y nunca me allejare de Ti,
porque Tu Amor esta en todo lugar.
Que Belleza.
Que Felicidad.