Fireflies

The last time I saw fireflies was on a still summer night
walking home from all the mess we made,
thinking how will my life be after all this pain
that has stained
my path?
and our memories replayed
and I was reminiscing on your eyes and how healing from their cutting gaze
has been exponentially delayed.
I was deep in thought but then I was caught off guard;
I took it as a hopeful sign from God--because as I walked
through the dark,
I could see a glow from the corner of my eye
and when I focused more, I saw them--about seven fireflies,
shining in and out of existence.
And I was instantly reminded that hope requires persistence,
that no instance of depression or any lowly heartless position
could ever take away my hope...
Because it is in the most quietest moments of my soul
that a light is lit within,
always helping me get safely home.

Stardust

On that daily grind it's hard to find that peace of mind 
My steps may waver but His Love doesn't falter

He's the Sun. The brightest star like a superstar where we are just .. stardust.

And I must confess my lust for the approval of the world, 
it's in my nature as a girl, as a human, as a child, 
But if you've heard, He is Lord, and His Love is above the laws of this world. He is wild-ly and surprisingly constant. 
It's irrelevant if we've been hesitant cause He is adamant about His hate for sin, 
but He has forgiven every last offense if you seek repentance sincerely, 
do you hear me?

He's the Sun. The brightest star like a superstar and we are just .. stardust.

Yet like the dust and clay we were made to briefly stay, ephemeral.
Fleeting moments, trying to evade the fact that He has the final say, for He is eternal. 
Now, I was just a mess and my consciousness would not let Him in
When all I craved was freedom from hurt and sin

And I've heard about this man named Jesus
And how he came from the heavens to free us
But that was more than two thousand years ago.
I denied His impact on this heart 
that was desperately seeking a jumpstart.
But the more I sought for truth in the swerving youth 
that bought the lies of society 
The more I began to see 
that love was nowhere to be found.
And I helplessly cried and told myself "I'd be alright" , 
I wouldn't get jaded with the weighted burdens all around.
But when all you see is pain and all you hear is hate
its hard to elaborate on what it means to be loved.
But when I looked above I could always still see the sun.

He's the Son. The brightest star like a superstar where we are His stardust.

stressing

the stress is compressing my chest
it's at it's best, this darkness won't rest; I need Your light to profess:
MY LIFE IS A MESS!
come fix me, rid me of this hex
cause what's next, just might slip...
right out of my hand
but you understand :
that true love is greater than good sex,
for intimacy with You knows no end,
for knowing truth leads to true happiness,
that beyond the grave, lies no more sadness;
that along the way, though I might break and cave,

You are the provider of strength to get me through these days,
Initiator of faith, the One that always remains.

You are the Reason why I raise any praise.
my soul longs for the promises You made
and clings to the love You've displayed,

but right now, I need You to heal me from the pain.
please, hear these pleas, and raise me from my grave.

trust, yes, I must, for I musn't delay,
I pray my plea is heard today ...

(hear the finalized version in song: Original Song: One Almighty [sorry for the poor quality]

Sometimes

sometimes...

my thoughts regress

as the beat in my chest

looms on the dimming excess

of the pain you have left

and of the sirens of regrets

and I wonder where it all went?

how was it all spent--

so quick with no caress

to soothe these wounds, the tempest

now rages, and cages

in my desperate attempt

to flee and fly and forget.

Deserving of Love

I do not know why I treat you the way I do;

I feel like you deserve the best of me

but at times, I feel exactly the opposite--

that you deserve none of me.

Holding on to the past

has caused me to waste so many moments;

I know that deep within my heart,

but still,
I cannot keep my heart still
nor can I keep it away
from all the pain you have caused it in the past.

It is our past that haunts my present,
and although I genuinely want to move on
to a brighter and happier future,
I am still stuck in the mindset of our yesterdays.

I want to forgive and forget.
I pray for the strength to look past all our iniquities.
Hey, if Jesus could do it,
why can't I forgive you 77 x 7 times?
Why do I still struggle to just accept
what has been done, and move on?
It is so simple to do
and yet so difficult to get started on.

I search my heart, my mind, my soul;
what is it about my life that I feel stuck in this anger?
I want to let go,
to be able to fully move on,
and live a life of happiness--
the life that I deserve to live.
The life that you deserve, as well.

You deserve the moon and the stars,
the brightest lights to keep shining for you,
so bright that you are blinded by their beauty
and yet, you can't help but keep looking on.

You deserve the tightest hug and deepest kiss,
both of which would be incomplete without the other,
both of which would let you know that you are loved,
that you are protected and desired;
that there is my set of arms and my set of lips that needs yours.

You deserve A kiss that is electric fuzz fire,
that ignites into the deepest intricacies of you,
that laces itself through your bones and
that emanates from you with a heat so unforgiving,
the only way to deal with its intensity
is to just accept it as such.

You deserve the sweetest smile, everytime,
to know that you mean the world to me,
to know that you do make me smile,
that you stir in me a joy that can cause my world to
shift from misery to glory in less than an instant.

You deserve A heart that knows your own,
that is willing to get to know your own,
in all its imperfections and worries and glories,
and that is a complement to your own;
a heart that can beat just as fast and just as strong,
without cease, without exhaust.

You deserve the softest hand to hold through it all,
and a supportive voice to encourage you through your flaws;
you deserve these things because, although you are a Mountain Man to me (strong and willed), when you lack that strength, you will never be alone,
for my hand and my voice will be there for you.

You deserve all of this and more because I do as well...
We deserve happiness.

The question is:
Are we willing to REALLY try again? To actually forgive and forget?
To move on and accept that happiness is available if we just try (if I just try...)?
To give each other that heart that will be safe and warm?
To envelop eachother with the beautiful silken lips that stir the soul?
To lay down the flaws and embrace the Imperfect Perfection that is so wonderful?
Love is the answer to everything.

But if Love is knocking already,

so strong and persistent,
why can't I answer?

For my Eyes Only

This is not for you

This is all just for me

I am strong

I am confident

I am motivated
I am determined
and most importantly,

I am hopeful.

I will find love,
I will find mutual support,
I will find commitment,
I will find devotion.

I know what I did wrong,
I know I wasn't happy,
I know that I was settling for less than I deserved,
for less than I really wanted.

I wanted to believe in you,

I wanted to believe in us,
but after everthing was said and done,
we were both forcing a current to flow against its destiny,
a flow against its course,
but we finally admitted this run was at its end.

Things were good once,

but things do change.

People change, and
we clearly did exactly that.

And I still weep every night,
but that's part of the healing process.
I weep for the bad, for the good,

for the wrong, for the right,

for that sweet touch that will not be shared again.
But those same once-gentle hands laid force against me,
and it was because I let it happen. Why?

Time will give me an answer.

There is no blame,

no fault,
no hurt,
no regret,

no remorse.

Just forgiveness.
and wisdom.

And hope,
for a better future,
for a happiness that awaits me eagerly.

This is what I Remember

I'm sitting here, out on a summer day,
the sun shinging so bright, the wind soft against me,
but all I can think about is you... and everything we shared.
Even though the weather is great and I should go out to play,
I just want to stay indoors and cry all this pain away--
and that's because no matter where I go or what I do,
it all just reminds me of you.

I am so disappointed in us, in how our frustrations got the best of us.
I saw my whole life with you; I even have a still image of our first kiss as a happily married couple. A sweet moment of a passionate kiss--you in your black suit with your hair sleeked back, and your hands tight on my waist, and I in my dress with my hands gently pressed on your cheeks, gentle enough to feel the smile on your face. That is what I remember.

And I also recall how proud I was of you as you received your license to rule the roads, as you received your diploma and graduated to the next step, as you held your patience trying to teach me the rules of the game. How I hold dear the memory of the videos you made, congratulating me on my big day... all the kissy faces, and the Love will Rock On hand gesture, and the sweet look in your eyes as you smiled to the camera. And I remember our very first and very last kiss. Those kisses will be the sweetest and dearest and most tightly held onto moments of my life. I still remember how amazing, how soft, and how meaningful your lips felt pressed against mine. I still remember how you held me as if to never let me go.

But then, a dark cloud looms, and I remember how stupid I was. As I cry through this, I can be honest with myself now that it's really over, and I admit that I am to blame for all our tragedy. I sit here and search my brain trying to figure out just exactly where I went wrong--what led me to be so cruel to you? You were deserving only of my affections, but instead my jealousy got the best of me and clouded my visions; my insecurities got the best of me and I physically hurt you--tears and blood,
and it still wasn't enough,
for you to leave this love.

But eventually, you cracked,
and I cracked,
and the marks left on my face,
and the bruises left on our hearts,
prove to me that we can't go back.

Maybe in time, all this will heal. Maybe your aggressions will change back to sweet and tender affections for me. Maybe our illusions can once again be our reality. Maybe we will learn and give us another chance. But then again,
I also remember us always holding onto the past--both the good and the bad. Maybe that's why our time has stopped here.

How it pains me that it seems that my life will be forever without you. I can almost not believe it. But I know it must be done.

With sincerest love and an ache in my heart, I apologize for all our misgivings and our wrongdoings. I can only hope that time will heal us and we can be happy again--
whether together again or... forever apart.

Toxic Cure

smooth sensation
red and fluid
hard against the pain
soft against the mind
easy to swallow
and easy to cope with

why cant it always be just like this?
soft to the touch in everything that i do
my mind is foggy,
a mist of never happenenings
and what can be's
a mist of surprises
and secret desires

talk to me a little longer
tell me your secrets
let my heart be your refuge
and let me hide in your love

Immobility in the Storms

I will make it through this storm--

although the winds are harsh and sharp against my wounds,
I will make it through whether you are there or not.

I can't turn off what I feel,
all the pain, the love, the pain,

the memories;

vivid in my mind
seared into my heart...
although
I scream inside, "No More!"--
what is there left for me to do?

I can't seem to move.

I close my eyes ,
but my heart can't forget your image
and my skin crawls at the thought of another.

Is this all there is for me?

Almost a prisoner,
without a desire to escape,
I can't seem to move.

Sweet Deception

I was so naive,
I was deceived by your sweetness.
I was nothing more but your next prey
and my soul is now devoured completely.

I'm stuck in this fog
and I can't see what's in front of me,
I only know where I've been and where I came from;
And somehow, you're stuck here with me.

I try to break free from the cold winds,
but my lungs are constricted more and more
and the more I try to move forward into the blindness
the more I do not sway from where I am.

The ice has settled
and I am numb.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Burning

One day , and everything can change
Two hours, and nothing left remains
Three words, where's my strength?
Are we really doing this again?

No one knows our story
No one sees the victory
No one feels the pain to be apart
No one hears my crying heart

The more I love you
The more I drown inside
inside the memories
inside the past
so deep down
lost
with no escape

Burning,
My heart is burning,
Consumed,
On fire,
for the love that no one understands,
not even us.

No matter the distance between
Or how many different routines,
My heart always clings to your hand,
Because I love you more than you can
ever come to understand.

This isn't as crazy as it seems.
Trust me. Please.

So, tell me one thing:
Where are you now?

Speechless Love

What is there to say when the miles in between our hearts are manifested more than just physically?
You tell me day after day that you ache for my presence, for my touch, for my kiss...
Yet, you deny me the right to any happiness because
you rip it all away the moment you ossilate in between the 'yes' and 'no';
Ofcourse, I should know better, because all you've ever been
is something in between a solid answer or a definite denial;
you've always been the middle ground that leads me nowhere.

How I wish that with every word I write, your spite and strife

your pain and might

would just erase themselves from my life...

How I wish that with every word I write, my joy my sanity

my love for humanity

would just blossom once more, out and away from your uncertainty...

How I wish that with every word I write, my soul and my eyes

my heart and my lies
would close themselves from you and breath in a new demise...

No matter how much distance comes between us,
no matter how much time seems to stand still
or how much time seems to prolong the process of healing,
there is still pain
there is still remorse
there is still regret

there is still uncertainty

No matter how much may change , you will always stay the same.
And I think I finally figured that out.

Away from your words, your heart, your touch, your kiss--a miracle has happened within my being; I want to be free. From you.

Corazones Violados

Siento tanto dolor en mi ser.

Estoy dispuesta y desnuda a tu corazon,
o a lo que te queda de corazon;
porque ahorra solo reconosco los pedasitos delicados.

Un corazon
hecho tan frajil,
quebradizado
derrumbado
aislado
Violado...

Un corazon hecho
como la malla,
que no proteje
ni la puerta
ni la ventana;
hecho de lana
que no caricia
ni calienta,
ni sostiene.

Estoy dispuesta a ti,
para hacer lo que me pidas sin pensarlo dos veces,
y todo porque te quiero tanto.

Ahorra se lo que es sentir el dolor.
Ahorra se lo que es sentir el rencor,
Y ahorra se lo que es sentir la culpa.

Pero aqui me quedo sin duda,
esperando una luz,
o algo semejante,
para que yo sepa que todo lo mio,
y talves lo tuyo,
no se va a perder por el tiro de los vientos.

Once Again

I believed our paths were not to cross
and yet,
just like a warm breeze that kindly caresses
and softly cradles the soul,
I saw your beautiful face again;
and your bright eyes
shone into my heart once again,
and they let me know
you still love me.

And because of that one look from you,
after what felt like a year of empty stares
from other empty, worthless eyes,
I am caught up again,
instantly;
sweetly seduced once again.

What am I to do?
Should I return to your heart,
that once felt so safe,
that may be safe to trust again,
that may prove to me that Love is worth waiting for?
Should I return to your arms,
that kept me warm during the cold,
that held me close when I felt so far,
that may protect me from all my fears?

Or
Should I depart from your sight,
and keep searching for a new horizon
for a new start...
for a chance to prove to myself
that I can stand firm alone.

Where is Love to guide me?
Where will Love take me,
if I let my heart reign again...

Once again,
my heart beats fast for you,
my eyes look only for you,
my hand is longing for your touch,
my lips are yearning for your warmth,
and my soul is waiting...
Once again,
faith, hope, and Love remain
and I am reaching out for an answer.

So Great a Love

Irreconcilable fear: Be still my heart, Yet the pain continues to ache, Continues to bury my hopes

Come back my love. I need you to be there beside me because you anchor me; You hold me, You help me. I need you more than I need myself.

I hold a Love so true, a Love so great, and it’s all for you. Never would I have guessed that I would feel so strongly, so longingly, so honestly, so great a love. And yet I do. Here I am: Baring it all once again, and I fear that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Please forgive me: Irreconcilable anguish. So much stillness when you’re gone, But my heart is not still; My heart won’t let me sleep. I yearn for my eyes to close, for a chance at bliss in my dreams, Yet my heart is not still and I still cannot sleep.

The hours choke my lungs strangling out the tears, and they come incessantly, viciously. I am held captive to the hours, to the lonely, miserable hours. They mercilessly cut into me, and I bleed sadness. Never would I have guess that I would feel so sad, so alone, so remorseful, because of so great a love.

I recount our endless, priceless memories. So beautiful. I ache knowing that there is a chance that all that beauty may disappear and leave in its wake darkness, only darkness. Please do not take away the light that makes me so happy.

So great a Love, you are so good to me. Please forgive me.

One more chance at Love is all I ask for. I will be good to you. I promise I will be good to you as sure as the sun will set on my past and a new sun will rise for our future. What a Glorious day that will be to see a newly rising sun; to see the meadows flourish and blossom with new daisies of tomorrows and forget-me-not’s.

I am waiting.

In and Out of a Moment in Time

November 2009

A New Romance?
But how coult it be, when everything we have is still so sweet,
so fresh, so pure, so young at heart...
Yet, my jealousy sends me spiraling down
into a black hole of filth and
lies.
I can't even bare to look into your eyes...
I feel as though I am far apart
from the touch of your hand, from the warmth of your kiss;
but now they lie, these treacherous lips of mine,
and I feel as if I am no longer thine.
Recapture my love, don't let it stray,
I need you until the end of my days;
Yet, I know, I have made mistakes,
and though I still do,
I want to live this life with you.
These lies of mine echo through my eyes,
they steal your soul into the darkness...
into the abyss--there's no escape once
you've fallen into this...But
I want to reach out.
I need a hand to pull me out of this jealous fit,
out of this cheating hit, out of this endless pit.
He's calling me but he doesn't know my name.
He's asking me to get down on my knees,
but I won't; I am so ashamed.
Midnight Rendevouz?
How can I do that to you?
He was a foolish game, in and out of a moment in time,
and I don't want to hurt you,
most precious Love of mine.
Forgive me. Forgive me.
I promise I will change.
Forgive me.
I love you;
Please forgive me,
most Precious Love of Mine.
I am truly thine.

Can we be made New?

January 3, 2010


How can the person I love consider himself evil? I just had a long conversation with my supposed one and only true love and I was supportive with every bone in my body, as much as it pains my heart, but sometimes you just have to let go of your heart and find some love to give to them, because maybe, just maybe, they need it more. But is that stupid?

We are Christians, and we face a battle every single day. I pray and sometimes I don’t. He sins and sometimes he doesn’t. I love him and sometimes I despise parts of him. He loves me and sometimes wants to smack me, even though he doesn’t (and if there comes a moment when he does, I could never forgive him and I would leave him forever). We forgive and sometimes we don’t, and sometimes we judge others when we know we shouldn’t. But how can I cope when I feel like all my faith has done to me was help others and drain everything out of me, just so that they can have a deep, comforting gasp of fresh air? Where is my relieving breath?

And don’t think that I am saint or an angel, because believe me, I am not. I am jealous; more jealous than any person should be, as I am so jealous that sometimes I feel like taking a certain female and smashing her head against the wall, and then shoving pizza down her throat and watching her choke on the fat she doesn’t have, and this is all because my one and only true love finds her attractive.

Sometimes, I am evil minded. But I know that my sins and that my bad thoughts and my bad deeds come and go. But I also know that the good ones are harder to come by and when they do they make a lasting mark on your heart; It is easy to be bad but you got to work at it to be good. I also know (from my one and only true love) that a small good step can lead to another one.

When hearing the sins that trouble my one and only true love, I miraculously find these words coming to me, words that are so opposite to what I’m feeling: I am feeling hate and immense sadness knowing that what he goes through is something that I cannot really help him with, yet I am finding the words to let him know that I support him. It pains me though because I sit there and look into his beautiful eyes and as I see love and everything I could ever want, I am baffled as to how it is possible for my innocent, one and only, true Love to be corrupt. And the more I think about it, my support for him is verifiable. I actually do support him because I love him more than anything of this earth. I want him to change but to be honest, not for me. I want him to change for him. I want him to finally come across a computer and not once think about the sin that tempts him. I want him to be able to hold my hand and not have a wandering eye at the same time. (The second one is perhaps asking too much, because even I have a wandering eye sometimes.) I want him to grow in his faith and believe that he is not the evil; he is a sweet man with a good heart who just happens to do bad things sometimes. I want him to stop doubting everything and to finally have the confidence to realize that anything is possible if you just believe. I want him to be new. I want myself to be new. I want our relationship to be new. I want us to have a new start.

It is a new year of the earth. It is a new year in our relationship. It is a time for the next new edition of our devotionals. It is a new chance to begin anew. I know in my heart that there will be more times when sorrow creeps at unsuspecting hours and chokes my tears out of me. I know that there will be more times when sin slides under his door and forces his hands into a corrupt state. I know that there will be more times when temptation spreads our faith apart and opens doors that should remain closed until marriage. I know all these things but I keep praying for strength. And slowly but surely, my prayers will be answered because I know God is good.

I pray for God to make this New Year a real new start. I pray for us to want to change, to want to stray from sin and find solace in God’s grace, to support each other when we need it, to come to God when there seems like there can be no more support from each other, to trust that God will be there for us no matter what, and most importantly, I pray for me, for him, for us, to always keep trying and keep getting up no matter how many times we may fall. I know that God’s love is there for us to take if we so choose. And believe me, we choose to consume our beings with God’s love, but sometimes, it feels like such a stretch for our wavering arms and sometimes, it feels completely unable to grasp or sometimes it feels like it is completely gone. Sometimes, we lose sight of our faith. But I know that we just have to open our eyes again and see all the wonders of God’s love; Just wake up on a new day and have a new start.

We are able to change but what is more important is that we are capable of change. We are able to love but what is more important is that we are capable of love. We are able to receive God, but what is more important is that we are capable of receiving Him. What I truly realize is that sin is just a sometimes. But God’s love and grace and forgiveness and mercy and glory and majesty and power and salvation are a forever. With Him and in Him, there is always something new He does in our lives; we just have to be open to His will (If you don’t believe me, read it for yourself… Isaiah 43:18-19).

*Image provided by: http://ysanames.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/white-rose1.jpg

Forgiveness: A virtue of Self

December 9, 2009

What gives power to our words? Is it the conviction within our beings and the utter dimensionality that we add ourselves, or is it the certain diction we portray?—for in portraying a certain persona by the use of certain words, that does not necessarily mean it is an actual representation of who we are. Then again, what are they but mere words? What are we but a mere portrayal?

I am pondering over this subject as I try to take on one of the most difficult aspirations ever attributed to words, that being “forgiveness.” In Christian theology, the ideal of forgiveness is represented by Jesus Christ as he was nailed to the cross and as he acknowledged the necessity of his death because he died for the sins and sinners of the world in order to unleash the ultimate forgiveness, something that will forever overshadow men and the words of men, as no man or word of man can ever compare to that ultimate sacrifice. Yet, we try. For the most part… although there is that vast group of people who do not believe in such a thing as “forgiveness.”

I, unfortunately or fortunately (however you decided to take it), do. I believe with all my heart that forgiveness is something that is hidden within our beings, likened to the darkness of our souls, always waiting for and excited for its final outing into the light of our words to shine its beacon of hope and redemption on the forgiven. Of course, things like forgiveness, and refraining from succumbing to the societal aggrandizements of things like smoking or sex, are always easier said than done. Yet, we try. For the most part… although some from that vast group of people prefer to stick to the safety and security of social acceptance.

However, when I think about where I stand as an individual, I do realize that society can be a weight with so much pressure and tension on your back and shoulders and knees, that sometimes you can easily fall under it all, confused and conformed; although I know this, I continue to try everyday to truly advocate and enact what I believe in (which is something you learn as a child and so I do not know why some people forget it): Always be yourself.

I am me. And what that means is that I cry and am emotionally sensitive; I laugh at extremely stupid and “corny” jokes; I eat more than I should and force myself to get to the gym because I know that I eat more than I should; I study hard and work hard, and yet I do not get a lot of time to play hard; I pray every day and make time for my Glorious God so as to recognize all the wonders in my life, from the air I breathe to the steps I take; I am jealous; I am selfish; I am weak at times and strong at times; I am unsure of my label (whether Catholic or Protestant), but I am certain that I am a Christian; I am open-minded yet extremely opinionated and not always quick to accept; I am quick to judge; I am a singer at heart yet lack the amazing voice; I am a writer and strive to be a better one everyday; I am a big sister; I am a daughter and a step-daughter; I am loyal to my friends, perhaps too loyal; I am gullible; I am passionate; I try to forgive. I am me.
Of course there is so much more to me, as I am sure there is so much to every individual on the entire earth, but the focus here is that I know that I am a mix of contradictions, an array of emotions and every single thing about me may be shared by another, but the way that I portray all these things are unique to my person. So, what makes you, you?

Do not consider for a moment that I have strayed away from “forgiveness,” although it may seem that way. However, know this: forgiveness is of the person, originates from the person, and affects the person, as it is heard, embraced, and uplifted by the receiving person. Mutual recognition of forgiveness is key, for when that is attained, all doors are unlocked and one can step through the barriers of life and into the light of the day, realizing that all is okay once again.

Almost five years have passed since I have talked to my best friend from high school. She is (as she is still this way in my memory) a shy, thin, depressed Dominican with a troubled life; She is scared of herself and dreams of being another; She is someone that I can relate to and she is someone that I miss, especially recently, for those five years have passed without a single flicker of her in my memory. And now, for some strange reason unknown to my being, I am impelled to ask for forgiveness although I am not sure from what. I am itched with this idea of resuming our relationship which did not necessarily stop, but what I believe was just paused. I remember our inside jokes, how long our conversations were, and what surprises me the most is that I remember her voice and her laughter. These images pain my heart, knowing that because of truly stupid reasons did our friendship pause—or stop, I am not really sure anymore.

I want to see how she has been, to hear about how she has changed and about her new experiences in life. I want to share everything about me as well, because I know that she would care, after a while at least. I wonder if we would be the same as we were before. Would time have caused a schism in her memory? If so, could I possibly reconnect our friendship, our friendship that was so strong? We said we would last “Forever and two days after the end of time” and that we were sisters for life and that “our mother” must have been a whore because she gave birth to two filthy mutts, and we were okay with that.

I want to speak. I want to see. I want to know. But, I cannot. Perhaps, in addition to everything I already am, I am a coward, too.

*Image provided by: http://www.christinepeloquin.com/Graphics/images/figures%20images/forgiveness.jpg