Like A Soldier

You want a Relevant element

 I’m Dependent on the Sacrament

There’s just no comparison

my greatest weapon of self-defense

Im callin your bluff and its

It’s time to heal ya sin we’re exposin’ it

Your Phenomenal reticence

Longs for Innocence so adamant

And so we’re killin em drainin em

Slowly like a titanium

Bomb to the bottom

We tellin ‘em about Him

Lost souls we go get’em

Bring’em to the Throne of our Father

That’s why I’m his daughter

Reel ‘em in like a soldier

As your soul fights for exposure

The toll’s that of the greatest war ya

Will ever fight in your life

Its always a struggle and it startin’ tonight

and when you wake in the morning

and you feel the tug of the callin’

dont run from it applaud it

cause every soul will get audited

so your faith, don’t renounce it

better yet embrace it 

dont let your life get wasted

so when it’s the last call 

and ur friends are makin jokes

faith hope n love are all 

that will be left, nothing else, 

that’s all folks!

Unfaithful

There is a loud temptation at our door

and yet, my innocent hello

is silenced by your secret that we can no longer ignore...

Your prior engagements

leave us with no commitments;

this lust is just entrusted
to a marriage of burdern now corrupted.

Your actions prove no justive,

& yet our desires continue erupting.

Your years of experience

overshadow my sweetness--

as you sip at the honey of my lips,
and tightly grip my yearning hips,
you rise and thrust like ten rocket ships;

Why did it have to come to this?

She thinks you're a Saint of a Man,
always wearing that ring on your hand,

but like a kitten, you lap at the milk of my bowl,

making sure not a single, wet drop is left of my soul,
and there is still a loud knocking at our door,

Perhaps it is too much for us to ignore...

May God forgive us for we act as if we do not know.

Standing Time

Only time will tell.

Only Time will let us see if this is meant to be.

I know what I have to do,

and I know that you know what you have to do, as well,
but I don't know if you will have the courage to do it.

I think you will be a coward,
and I think you will keep making mistakes,
and whats more,
I know that even after more mistakes,
you will still want me,
but it will be too late.

So don't be a coward.
Stand up for what you believe in,
stand up for what you know is good,

for what you know is right.

Stand up and do not fall.
Stand up and rise above.

Stand up and show me
that you are courageous enough
and strong enough
to stand by my side
through it all.

Love, Where is your Fire?

Love, where is your fire?
Where is the passion that once burned?
Where is the ignited heart that always spoke?
I fear they have gone missing amongst other flames...

A heart so fragile,
made so fragile because of the burns,
because of the willing victimization.

Scars embedded so deep,
beyond the subcutaneous layer
penetrating the soul of the foregone.

Love, where is your fire?
Why do you insist on letting the flame burn?
It is on the brink of death,
leaving nothing but fading wisps in the air,
but you can't--you won't--let it burn to the end.

My hands, once so soft and warm,
are now hands burned to the bone,
with wounds that just won't heal.

There is but one ember winking in the fireplace;
almost mockingly, it winks,
brightens, and dims,
saving itself for the last inch of my skin,

making sure I am blackened like coal.

Rain

As the raindrops slowly fall,
gradually accumulating on the once-dry cement floor,
memories of the past slowly wet my mind,
inhibiting my thoughts from grasping the present reality.

As the raindrops first begin,
unknowingly clustering as an empty mass above my head,
my eyes close
and my face welcomes their stain on my skin.

I am
Saturated,
Consumed,
and the stains begin to feel my own.
But I urge myself to head home.

And yet,
as the raindrops
.`.`.`.`.gently.`.`
.`.`.`.slither.`.`.`
.`.`.`.`.down.`.`.`.`
`.`.`.`.the.`.`.`.`.
.`.`.`.`.`.window`.`.,
forming families every now and then only to

B UR ST

and

s e p a r a t e
from how saturated
they have become,

my hands writhe against the cold table,
itching for an escape.


It was inevitable.

And no roof could ever prevent their seeping presence.

Freedom

Betrayed
Beyond Repair
in more ways than flesh...
In spirit , in love,
all lies
just lies

A year to show me the truth
A year to pass by so I can see the truth;
the truth you were too afraid to tell.
But the truth always finds its way,

because "The Truth shall set you free"

and now,

because of the occluded life you lived,

that life of secrets that is no more,

I am free.

Freedom is Sweet--

for after the truth there is nothing left.

With nothing left, I can start to live

because now there is nothing to lose;

I have nothing to lose because you were never really mine,

Interesting that now you want to belong to me.

But, did you know--I don't want you anymore:

I choose my Freedom.

Sweet Deception

I was so naive,
I was deceived by your sweetness.
I was nothing more but your next prey
and my soul is now devoured completely.

I'm stuck in this fog
and I can't see what's in front of me,
I only know where I've been and where I came from;
And somehow, you're stuck here with me.

I try to break free from the cold winds,
but my lungs are constricted more and more
and the more I try to move forward into the blindness
the more I do not sway from where I am.

The ice has settled
and I am numb.

Through it All

When the music fades

When the outside is cold

and unwelcoming,

When the winds are harsh against my flesh,

and I can't go on anymore...

There You are.
Your Love inside my Heart,

You remind me that everything is alright,

You never let me forget that You are here

with me,

through it all.

When I'm alone and my soul cries out

When the pain is unbearable
and I can't say a word
When no one else dares to listen
to my brokenness,
and the music can't suffice me anymore,

There You are.
Your Love burns in my Heart,
You remind me that it's all okay,
I can't forget that You are here
with me,
through it all.

When the world seems too heavy,
When the words exist just to fill a void,
and when the sounds fight over the silence,
and the silence wins yet again,

There You are.
Forever with me in my heart,
Reminding me: I'm always here,
with you,
through it All.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Chained to Love

Regardless of the distance that is physically between
My heart is still tied down to your love

It can't break free

It can't fly away
And It doesn't even want to . . .

This Love and this Fire

That Burns Through me

Can't be tamed by new winds

or the oceans between
Because neither the sky nor the sea
Can break the hold you have on me.

Your love, so beautiful
so dangerous, so precious,
so consuming, so delirious,
so incandescent and serious,

has changed me

and has become
something I can't live without.

Though I'm terrified
of what may come to be,
Your love and your memory
have become ingrained in me
to the point where
your chains are what have set me free.

A Prayer

My heart aches...
My eyes have run dry
from all the tears I've cried.

My soul clamors

and bangs

against my ribs,

against

the pangs

of my aching life

I wish I did so many things differently

What are my options?
Life
or Death;
either one can occur in just one breath.

Pop the pills or
Cut the wrists
and watch as the blood
spills,
out and away from you
and then you're healed of this life
that only ever caused you pain.

From day one, alone;
To this day, the same,

will things ever change?

I run to You
but I don't feel You anymore;
I pray for an answer..

Please show me what to do

to ease this pain,
the pain that has always been
the pain that speaks 'goodbye'
the pain that shrouds my eyes...

I always run back to You.

Don't let me fade into the darkeness;

Give me the strength to put the knife away,

to tuck it away in the corner of the cold drawer,
where the silence of my heart
won't ever again yearn its sharp death.

Alone,

huddled in the corners,
between despair and hope;

Grant me the mercy of Your Love,
Show me the Truth, I beg You;
Help me always rise above,
Show me how to live in You,
before he sweeps down
and takes me away from You . . .

A Love Forgotten

Chest constricted
Words restricted
I almost remember what you said
Hearts evicted
Love convicted
Your memory sealed in my head

Air corrupted
So nostalgic
My heart refuses the light of day
Eyes hidden
Smiles forbidden
I can't, I just can't, if it goes on this way

A love so battered
My heart is shattered
Who can save me now?
You will hear the clatter
as my life goes under
No one can save me now.

Corazones Violados

Siento tanto dolor en mi ser.

Estoy dispuesta y desnuda a tu corazon,
o a lo que te queda de corazon;
porque ahorra solo reconosco los pedasitos delicados.

Un corazon
hecho tan frajil,
quebradizado
derrumbado
aislado
Violado...

Un corazon hecho
como la malla,
que no proteje
ni la puerta
ni la ventana;
hecho de lana
que no caricia
ni calienta,
ni sostiene.

Estoy dispuesta a ti,
para hacer lo que me pidas sin pensarlo dos veces,
y todo porque te quiero tanto.

Ahorra se lo que es sentir el dolor.
Ahorra se lo que es sentir el rencor,
Y ahorra se lo que es sentir la culpa.

Pero aqui me quedo sin duda,
esperando una luz,
o algo semejante,
para que yo sepa que todo lo mio,
y talves lo tuyo,
no se va a perder por el tiro de los vientos.

Vile Eyes

Mutual understanding is the key;

If I am in this 100% of the way,

but you're on the side lines with a 'nay'

or with a 'I don't know what to say,'
then just don't be with me.

I'm in the most beautiful place in the world;

I'm experiencing the best time of my life,
and if you feel like
all you can contribute is strife,
then by all means, don't get in the way,
don't waste my time.

I was excited, ,
elated,
and thrilled,
to see your face again,
to hear your voice again.
And yet all you could say was
nothing,
killing me a little inside again,
making my heart slowly die again.

Your grunts of disappointment,
your stories of missed appointments...
Your empty stares and forced smiles,
your eyes have now turned vile...

adding extreme negation,
subtracting from my mood of elation

And yet,
I'm diverging from your disease,
because you see, "I'm doing me,"
and this life overseas
does more than please;

And it does so
in more ways
than you ever could

On top of the World

What is there to say when your breath is stolen away.

On top of the world,

the eyes rejoice in such beauty but the voice becomes silenced.

No words can truly capture what it means to be majestical...

And on top of the world,

majesty and beauty and silence reign,

as the heart beats in rhythm

to the immensity of nature.

The breezes of the sea

are forced into me,

and the sensation is comforting.
With this new breath of life,
my body is no longer simply mine;
no longer simply an entity

on top of world--rather,

it is as if the world has fused with me

and shown me

how beautiful it can be

to rejoice in the silent,

and simply accept the beauty.

On top of the world, where the horizon kisses the sky,
where the curve of the earth is visible to the naked eye,
where my heart rejoices as I die a little inside--
dying from all this beauty that my fragile heart can not contain.
Whether it is due to the fading sun or the beginning rains,
My chest swells, rising with the waves set before me,
falling just as the waves crash desperately,
trying to invade the shore,
and I can no longer ignore
my palpitating heart,
for it beats vigorously
because
the intensity,
the immensity,
of being
on top of the world,
it just too much to contain.

as the sun fades away and new day awaits

May this beauty forever reign

Make me Free

A friend
who was not a friend
wound a cord around my flesh,
so deeply and mercilessly,
that it penetrated my skin,
and confined me to feel
intimidation
and fear.

& How interesting it is
that although I am
35,000 miles
away,
I can still feel
the deep-set marks
as they sit on my skin
and remind me
of the incisions
and briuses
on my heart
and my ego;
reminding me
of how I was held down
by the weight
of this ever-tightening cord.

Can distance stretch
and ultimately break
that tie that once held us so close?
Can distance fade
and ultimately erase
the photographs of our memories?

Can hours eliminate the guilt?
Can months erase the moments?
Can time put an end to the pain?

I am now miles away,
in a beautiful city
filled with the sights
and sounds
of culture,
and joy.
Yet, I am still worried
that upon my return,
my growth as a person
will fade
into the blackness,
into the cold,
sharp metals
of the cords,
as they intertwine themselves
with my being...

Can the distance
and the time

MAKE ME FREE

from that bond?

O, how I pray
that my GOOD BYE
showed you that
I am NO LONGER wound
to your whims.

I am free
and
I freed myself.

O, how I pray
that my GOOD BYE
shows you that
your tight grip
and endless demands
may end up choking
and killing
another
loved one
of yours.

Because they
still
are intertwined
with your
merciless cords.

So Much

I take a look at my life thus far
and the crazy twists and turns
I have undergone in a matter of months
...and I cannot help but be overwhelmed with how things turned out,
...and I cannot help but keep wondering why it had to happen this way,
...and I cannot help but be extremely grateful for where I am now.

They say that Dreams really do come true,
but am I still dreaming?
Or is this reality one that I can readily embrace,
one that I can fully take on,
without being afraid of it drifting off in the wind
as a dandelion does when you make a wish upon it.

I have been foolish in my actions;
I am sorry for what I've done.
I have been hateful towards the ones I love;
I am sorry for what I've said.
I have been lost because I ignored the Light;
I am sorry for straying from the right path.
I have been selfish by placing my desires first;
I am sorry for forgetting that others matter most.

I have been given a second chance;
I am so grateful for another opportunity to be happy.
I have been lifted up by the ones that know what it means to love;
I am so grateful that they still stand by me.
I have been shown a world of forgiveness and mercy;
I am so grateful that I need not dwell on my past.

I have been granted a new life;
I am so grateful for so much and more.

When I close my eyes,
I sometimes let the darkness
sink in for a little too long,
but when life seems
to get consumed in that blackness,
I remind myself
that I have the power to open my eyes,
that I have the strength to look towards the future,
that only I can show myself the things that will take me further.

There is So Much left for me to do,
There is So Much that I have been given,
and I know that there is So Much that I can do with the gifts laid before me.

Thank You, whoever You are.

Wanting

There is this feeling of wanting more
This feeling of wanting so much more
Than what I have been dealt with…

My heart aches for that something more,
And I can’t figure out what it is that I Need.


I have my family
My friends
My education
And I had love.
Lucky, I know.
But… I am left feeling as if something is still missing

And most importantly,
I have God, always and forever.
The only Always & Forever
I can actually
Depend on.

So what is it that I still need??

I am trying to listen to my heart
But it’s muffled,
Almost silent,
As if the remnants of a
Chord that dissipated into
A Dark, starry night;

And all that is left
Is a muted buzz.

So Great a Love

Irreconcilable fear: Be still my heart, Yet the pain continues to ache, Continues to bury my hopes

Come back my love. I need you to be there beside me because you anchor me; You hold me, You help me. I need you more than I need myself.

I hold a Love so true, a Love so great, and it’s all for you. Never would I have guessed that I would feel so strongly, so longingly, so honestly, so great a love. And yet I do. Here I am: Baring it all once again, and I fear that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Please forgive me: Irreconcilable anguish. So much stillness when you’re gone, But my heart is not still; My heart won’t let me sleep. I yearn for my eyes to close, for a chance at bliss in my dreams, Yet my heart is not still and I still cannot sleep.

The hours choke my lungs strangling out the tears, and they come incessantly, viciously. I am held captive to the hours, to the lonely, miserable hours. They mercilessly cut into me, and I bleed sadness. Never would I have guess that I would feel so sad, so alone, so remorseful, because of so great a love.

I recount our endless, priceless memories. So beautiful. I ache knowing that there is a chance that all that beauty may disappear and leave in its wake darkness, only darkness. Please do not take away the light that makes me so happy.

So great a Love, you are so good to me. Please forgive me.

One more chance at Love is all I ask for. I will be good to you. I promise I will be good to you as sure as the sun will set on my past and a new sun will rise for our future. What a Glorious day that will be to see a newly rising sun; to see the meadows flourish and blossom with new daisies of tomorrows and forget-me-not’s.

I am waiting.

Nameless

January 5, 2010

The blood

has stained

the space

behind the open dumpster

and a white
hairclip
shaped like a
rose,
lies there,
broken.