Like A Soldier

You want a Relevant element

 I’m Dependent on the Sacrament

There’s just no comparison

my greatest weapon of self-defense

Im callin your bluff and its

It’s time to heal ya sin we’re exposin’ it

Your Phenomenal reticence

Longs for Innocence so adamant

And so we’re killin em drainin em

Slowly like a titanium

Bomb to the bottom

We tellin ‘em about Him

Lost souls we go get’em

Bring’em to the Throne of our Father

That’s why I’m his daughter

Reel ‘em in like a soldier

As your soul fights for exposure

The toll’s that of the greatest war ya

Will ever fight in your life

Its always a struggle and it startin’ tonight

and when you wake in the morning

and you feel the tug of the callin’

dont run from it applaud it

cause every soul will get audited

so your faith, don’t renounce it

better yet embrace it 

dont let your life get wasted

so when it’s the last call 

and ur friends are makin jokes

faith hope n love are all 

that will be left, nothing else, 

that’s all folks!

Clouds

late nights
stolen dreams
but the light
still shines within

and it seems
that through the seams
love will always burst through

the clouds gather
my joy scatters
and fear may settle
but there is always love

and it is steadfast
and constant
and pure

what are we destined for?
my eyes glisten
from the tears
and the hopes

because
through the clouds,
my eyes can still see...

and it is all thanks to You.

3:29 a.m.

I was dreaming...
your image floating , steady, like a breeze.
slowly, ever so, you were almost in full view.
rising, ever so, my heart against its cage,
and then, like a swift talon bringing death,
five gun shots
stole my dream away.
they reverberated against the walls;
loud and unforgiving.
Am I still dreaming?

panicked whispers
beat mercilessly through
my windowpane,
as the white snow
incessantly
falls like the rain,
and still, your love,
leaves me without gain.

I wondered, was anyone hurt?
A small gray car pulled away,
without urgency nor hushed efforts,
driving itself deeper into the dirt.

may God amend the perilous road.

4 million (original song)

warning: shotty laptop speakers. you might want to keep your volume low, but turn up your ears to the lyrics!

VERSE 1

You're not the one, but you sure came really close.
Stole my glass heart, and broke it into four million 

little pieces, but I wonder if you knew

 that you
were everything, everything, everything.

We had it all, perfect love likened to violence.
Your heart was strong, but mine, hidden in sadness
And now I sit and stare and wonder if it could 

ever

Be fixed, but I'm still transfixed... 

CHORUS
4 million seconds

have seem to gone by.

But I can't deny

the will to survive.

Your love has tainted me,

 right down to my bones.

And I still don't know,

 where else I can go...

But amidst it All,

I learn to rise. 

VERSE 2
Though I had hopes, that you would be my One, 
All the songs I wrote, still you never did listen.
And now it seems that time has silenced both our words
And e-verything

 in between
Now it just hurts, when your memory attacks;
Forcing me to run around an endless racetrack.
But now I know that time, can't erase you from 

my mind,
I wonder what will be next...

BRIDGE
You moved me, first shook me, then broke me

hurt me and mourned me then left me

 Over and Over and Over

Your Love, Your love
You hit me, first beat me, then scarred me

drowned me and stained me, bu-ried me

Over and Over and Over

Your Love, Your love
I rebuilt me and broke free

withstood every damn thing

resurrected, still standing

 I'm over I'm over I'm over

your love, your love

Starshine

We are made from the Stars.
Visible commodities
floating through space
and time.
and Why?
You may ask...
Why
are we here?
Isn't it clear?

We simply are
rotating bodies,
here, below, and
above and beyond...
Does anyone else know that we are
here?

The flesh is not strong
to withstand what is coming,
outside our parallel universe.
Revelation.

We simply are
decaying bodies,
resting and moving,
growing and expanding.
Relativity.


patterns
p at t e r ns
p  a  t  t  e  r  n  s
p    a   t   t   e    r    n   s
e x p a n d i n g u n i v e r s e

We simply are
Spirits among the Stars...
there lies the reason for more.
The need for more.
The want for more.
Genesis.

We used to be at the center of it all,
but time has proven otherwise.

We are finding Justifications
for our speculations...
We simply are

fleeting constellations.

What was I thinking?

I look at your pictures but they make you seem sleezy.

You were something brief, potent yet unmistakably easy.

And now I actually feel an anxiety in my stomach, so queasy;

No matter how hard you tried, you still couldn't appease me.

I was once fond of your essence, enthralled in the chase of the moment,

but honestly, right now, I think it wasn't well-paced nor well-spent.

Reminiscing, I wonder where my mind was encased or where it went,
perhaps your poison caused my judgement to be misplaced, and vacant.

I sipped in your breath as if I had been drinking,
and after it all, I do not know what I had been thinking!
It may be true that I was almost far gone, just sinking,
But my desire for you has been exponentially shrinking.

My attraction to you must have been fogged with faux lust,

because for some odd moments I thought you had earned my trust.
But your speedy departure has been a necessary must,
And I will no longer let my heart roll around in the dust.

The Visitor

A visitor drifted into my town,

and we met on the corner of Love and Lust.

His voice so deep, mysterious, and profound;

to explore it further was a must.

Walking among the giants of the city,

his hand kept mine warm and protected.

He said, "You're so beautiful. So pretty,"
and for some small moments, we connected.

Gazing over candlelight,
with soft jazz interludes,
We shared memories of a long time passed.
Desire was winning the fight,
as my heart did finally conclude,
to kiss could not be wrong, though it wouldn't last.

With fingers interlaced,
we traveled across the Brooklyn bridge,
the city forever shining, so glorious, momentous.
With judgement misplaced,
I was fighting the brevity of this image;

my heart knew I'd be losing, this nakedness, too dangerous.

We continued on to the center of Times Square,

where the stairs are red and the crowd is contagious.

His lips brushed mine as my heart echoed a prayer,

but what we had will remain as always nameless.

It all had been for no more than three days,
but something so beautiful had occurred.
He taught me that kisses could come as bouquets,
a dozen or more, enthralling and completely absurd.

I've been told that when good things come,

they shouldn't be questioned.

They are worthwhile, passionate and seldom,

and may even be pre-destined.

And alas, I do long for yet another moment,

but more so, I pray that I may be Pardoned...

for The visitor had came and went,

leaving my lips stained, crimsoned, abandoned.

Subsequent Sentiments

speechless

emotionless

timeless

senseless

empowered

released
relieved

reinstated

rising

surmising

surpassing

and growing

and all of this
due to us;
I thank my lucky stars
and the Sun above.

in the light of Hope

caught in the tangles of life

motionless

without a stir of sentiments

confused
distraught

brief seconds of contentness

are pursued--

almost chased down,
thrown down and beat down--
by the shadow of nothingness

what do i do?

a Light needs to be bright

for it to fulfill its purpose

and yet, aspirations
of any illumination
are what keep me weaving on.

For my Eyes Only

This is not for you

This is all just for me

I am strong

I am confident

I am motivated
I am determined
and most importantly,

I am hopeful.

I will find love,
I will find mutual support,
I will find commitment,
I will find devotion.

I know what I did wrong,
I know I wasn't happy,
I know that I was settling for less than I deserved,
for less than I really wanted.

I wanted to believe in you,

I wanted to believe in us,
but after everthing was said and done,
we were both forcing a current to flow against its destiny,
a flow against its course,
but we finally admitted this run was at its end.

Things were good once,

but things do change.

People change, and
we clearly did exactly that.

And I still weep every night,
but that's part of the healing process.
I weep for the bad, for the good,

for the wrong, for the right,

for that sweet touch that will not be shared again.
But those same once-gentle hands laid force against me,
and it was because I let it happen. Why?

Time will give me an answer.

There is no blame,

no fault,
no hurt,
no regret,

no remorse.

Just forgiveness.
and wisdom.

And hope,
for a better future,
for a happiness that awaits me eagerly.

This is what I Remember

I'm sitting here, out on a summer day,
the sun shinging so bright, the wind soft against me,
but all I can think about is you... and everything we shared.
Even though the weather is great and I should go out to play,
I just want to stay indoors and cry all this pain away--
and that's because no matter where I go or what I do,
it all just reminds me of you.

I am so disappointed in us, in how our frustrations got the best of us.
I saw my whole life with you; I even have a still image of our first kiss as a happily married couple. A sweet moment of a passionate kiss--you in your black suit with your hair sleeked back, and your hands tight on my waist, and I in my dress with my hands gently pressed on your cheeks, gentle enough to feel the smile on your face. That is what I remember.

And I also recall how proud I was of you as you received your license to rule the roads, as you received your diploma and graduated to the next step, as you held your patience trying to teach me the rules of the game. How I hold dear the memory of the videos you made, congratulating me on my big day... all the kissy faces, and the Love will Rock On hand gesture, and the sweet look in your eyes as you smiled to the camera. And I remember our very first and very last kiss. Those kisses will be the sweetest and dearest and most tightly held onto moments of my life. I still remember how amazing, how soft, and how meaningful your lips felt pressed against mine. I still remember how you held me as if to never let me go.

But then, a dark cloud looms, and I remember how stupid I was. As I cry through this, I can be honest with myself now that it's really over, and I admit that I am to blame for all our tragedy. I sit here and search my brain trying to figure out just exactly where I went wrong--what led me to be so cruel to you? You were deserving only of my affections, but instead my jealousy got the best of me and clouded my visions; my insecurities got the best of me and I physically hurt you--tears and blood,
and it still wasn't enough,
for you to leave this love.

But eventually, you cracked,
and I cracked,
and the marks left on my face,
and the bruises left on our hearts,
prove to me that we can't go back.

Maybe in time, all this will heal. Maybe your aggressions will change back to sweet and tender affections for me. Maybe our illusions can once again be our reality. Maybe we will learn and give us another chance. But then again,
I also remember us always holding onto the past--both the good and the bad. Maybe that's why our time has stopped here.

How it pains me that it seems that my life will be forever without you. I can almost not believe it. But I know it must be done.

With sincerest love and an ache in my heart, I apologize for all our misgivings and our wrongdoings. I can only hope that time will heal us and we can be happy again--
whether together again or... forever apart.

Standing Time

Only time will tell.

Only Time will let us see if this is meant to be.

I know what I have to do,

and I know that you know what you have to do, as well,
but I don't know if you will have the courage to do it.

I think you will be a coward,
and I think you will keep making mistakes,
and whats more,
I know that even after more mistakes,
you will still want me,
but it will be too late.

So don't be a coward.
Stand up for what you believe in,
stand up for what you know is good,

for what you know is right.

Stand up and do not fall.
Stand up and rise above.

Stand up and show me
that you are courageous enough
and strong enough
to stand by my side
through it all.

Rain

As the raindrops slowly fall,
gradually accumulating on the once-dry cement floor,
memories of the past slowly wet my mind,
inhibiting my thoughts from grasping the present reality.

As the raindrops first begin,
unknowingly clustering as an empty mass above my head,
my eyes close
and my face welcomes their stain on my skin.

I am
Saturated,
Consumed,
and the stains begin to feel my own.
But I urge myself to head home.

And yet,
as the raindrops
.`.`.`.`.gently.`.`
.`.`.`.slither.`.`.`
.`.`.`.`.down.`.`.`.`
`.`.`.`.the.`.`.`.`.
.`.`.`.`.`.window`.`.,
forming families every now and then only to

B UR ST

and

s e p a r a t e
from how saturated
they have become,

my hands writhe against the cold table,
itching for an escape.


It was inevitable.

And no roof could ever prevent their seeping presence.

Just Words

Words have the power to affect a life in ways undescribable.
Words have the power to break a heart further, or heal it entirely.

I've always wanted that type of love that makes me want to boldy speak
I LOVE YOU
from the top of a mountain,
because the True Love that I want is the
crazy,
consuming,
can't-live-without-each-other

type of Love.

And I have found all the Love I could ever be consumed with in Your Word.

I can't live without You
and even when I can't live anymore,
I will still have You.

How amazing is it to know that Your Word

outlasts any words that could leave my lips

or touch my heart.

Your Word has shown me how to be,
how to forgive,
and most importantly how to love.

You always know the right thing to say to me when I feel broken,
when I feel alone, when I feel low and unworthy...

After all my nights of wading in the silence

your words are the only ones that have striked me like a lightning bolt,

and that have changed my sight from darkness to light, showing me love in all its potentiality, in all its power.

And to You, there are just so many words gushing from my heart,
but I just need You to understand how much you've made the following two words mean to me:
Thank You.

Thank You for every thing;
Thank You for every day,
Thank You for every one,
Thank You for every word,

Thank You for every moment

that has led me back to you,
and that has
let me breathe in Your Love
just a little bit more,

and yet,
I know that
no words
will ever be

enough.

Freedom

Betrayed
Beyond Repair
in more ways than flesh...
In spirit , in love,
all lies
just lies

A year to show me the truth
A year to pass by so I can see the truth;
the truth you were too afraid to tell.
But the truth always finds its way,

because "The Truth shall set you free"

and now,

because of the occluded life you lived,

that life of secrets that is no more,

I am free.

Freedom is Sweet--

for after the truth there is nothing left.

With nothing left, I can start to live

because now there is nothing to lose;

I have nothing to lose because you were never really mine,

Interesting that now you want to belong to me.

But, did you know--I don't want you anymore:

I choose my Freedom.

Sweet Deception

I was so naive,
I was deceived by your sweetness.
I was nothing more but your next prey
and my soul is now devoured completely.

I'm stuck in this fog
and I can't see what's in front of me,
I only know where I've been and where I came from;
And somehow, you're stuck here with me.

I try to break free from the cold winds,
but my lungs are constricted more and more
and the more I try to move forward into the blindness
the more I do not sway from where I am.

The ice has settled
and I am numb.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Dance of the Butterflies

Your presence is so strong , I feel the weight of Your Love as I gaze upon these beautiful entities you have gracefully and mercifully placed before me.
“Hope which was lost, now stands renewed” as I stand on this hill gazing over the city of Your Life.

The wind whispers among the wings of butterflies.
They dance, they float, they flirt;
their colors reflect the joy you have brought to my life.
Without effort, they already embrace Your presence.

Your love is here and so am I.
I am so grateful for this chance to stand in awe before You.

“You alone are Good”
Just like the dance of the butterflies, I am trying to get closer to Your wind of Mercy; with every breeze that whisps through my soul, I feel myself shiver from the immensity of You.

“You alone are Good.”
Just like the dance of the butterflies, I am flying endlessly searching for a place of rest; with every movement of my wings, I feel myself reach You a little more.
And although another strong wind may come and change my course of flight, I know that in the end, Your Love will guide me back—back to the joy You have brought to my life.

A leaf falls, dancing gracefully on the air of your hand.

The grass, like a sea of life laid before me, undulates and rises,
dancing to the melody of the wind.

The sun shines brightly, only to hide its face behind a cloud of innocence;
and this valley of Your Life still shines regardless
if the light is hidden from my eyes--for I can always feel Your Light

dancing

in my eyes,
in my heart,
in my soul.

The Butterflies know this too, as they dance without stop.

As I look on to their dance of endless wings,
all I can think of is how I got to be this lucky;
how did I end up so blessed with your Love. .
I don’t know how it happened or when,
because I was so weak and lost before—
but all I know now is that I am so grateful;


I am so grateful because You are so Good.

Evidence of a Soul

Oh, my Soul;
I know how you long to be free,
to be in a place where you can fly.
But for now, you are confined
to the walls of my skin;

I feel your pulse as it emanates from my heart

and ends as it impacts my bones,

yet if you could,

you would keep beating against my flesh

until you've won your liberty,

into the open air.

You long for more than what you have been given,

for that which seems so far out of reach, yet so close you could almost

kiss.
You long for that undescribable beauty
of celestial standards,
yet you are bound to my simple, terrestrial existence--
an existance which classifies you
as a soul that will remain
forever simple and mundane.

But, please,
keep beating against the confines of my bones,
because if you do,
at least I know you exist,
and that may perhaps prove
an existance beyond

simply

flesh.

Day One

It all starts with that first goodbye,

the goodbye that never was,

the goodbye that was muted from my ears

and blinded from my sight.

I was never allowed the chance to hear his voice.
I was never given the opportunity
to see the face of that man,
to look into the eyes that I know resemble mine..
And he left before I had the chance to say hello,
before he knew that he helped my existence.

And so it all starts with that first goodbye,

where I was forced to ignore that part of my life from day one,

yet from that one day on,
I was strengthened
through the silent words and empty heart beats

and I learned just as she has,

to keep going,

to move on,

to learn and live.

I live now remembering that emptiness in my heart,
I live now wishing for a chance to fix the past,
I live now wondering why he left her without a second glance;

I live now knowing that it doesnt matter anymore.

All that matters is today;
this perfect moment,

this deep breath,

this beating heart,

this new chance for

this new life.

I am now living

I am living now