Sometimes

sometimes...

my thoughts regress

as the beat in my chest

looms on the dimming excess

of the pain you have left

and of the sirens of regrets

and I wonder where it all went?

how was it all spent--

so quick with no caress

to soothe these wounds, the tempest

now rages, and cages

in my desperate attempt

to flee and fly and forget.

Immobility in the Storms

I will make it through this storm--

although the winds are harsh and sharp against my wounds,
I will make it through whether you are there or not.

I can't turn off what I feel,
all the pain, the love, the pain,

the memories;

vivid in my mind
seared into my heart...
although
I scream inside, "No More!"--
what is there left for me to do?

I can't seem to move.

I close my eyes ,
but my heart can't forget your image
and my skin crawls at the thought of another.

Is this all there is for me?

Almost a prisoner,
without a desire to escape,
I can't seem to move.

Sweet Deception

I was so naive,
I was deceived by your sweetness.
I was nothing more but your next prey
and my soul is now devoured completely.

I'm stuck in this fog
and I can't see what's in front of me,
I only know where I've been and where I came from;
And somehow, you're stuck here with me.

I try to break free from the cold winds,
but my lungs are constricted more and more
and the more I try to move forward into the blindness
the more I do not sway from where I am.

The ice has settled
and I am numb.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

A Prayer

My heart aches...
My eyes have run dry
from all the tears I've cried.

My soul clamors

and bangs

against my ribs,

against

the pangs

of my aching life

I wish I did so many things differently

What are my options?
Life
or Death;
either one can occur in just one breath.

Pop the pills or
Cut the wrists
and watch as the blood
spills,
out and away from you
and then you're healed of this life
that only ever caused you pain.

From day one, alone;
To this day, the same,

will things ever change?

I run to You
but I don't feel You anymore;
I pray for an answer..

Please show me what to do

to ease this pain,
the pain that has always been
the pain that speaks 'goodbye'
the pain that shrouds my eyes...

I always run back to You.

Don't let me fade into the darkeness;

Give me the strength to put the knife away,

to tuck it away in the corner of the cold drawer,
where the silence of my heart
won't ever again yearn its sharp death.

Alone,

huddled in the corners,
between despair and hope;

Grant me the mercy of Your Love,
Show me the Truth, I beg You;
Help me always rise above,
Show me how to live in You,
before he sweeps down
and takes me away from You . . .

A Love Forgotten

Chest constricted
Words restricted
I almost remember what you said
Hearts evicted
Love convicted
Your memory sealed in my head

Air corrupted
So nostalgic
My heart refuses the light of day
Eyes hidden
Smiles forbidden
I can't, I just can't, if it goes on this way

A love so battered
My heart is shattered
Who can save me now?
You will hear the clatter
as my life goes under
No one can save me now.

Corazones Violados

Siento tanto dolor en mi ser.

Estoy dispuesta y desnuda a tu corazon,
o a lo que te queda de corazon;
porque ahorra solo reconosco los pedasitos delicados.

Un corazon
hecho tan frajil,
quebradizado
derrumbado
aislado
Violado...

Un corazon hecho
como la malla,
que no proteje
ni la puerta
ni la ventana;
hecho de lana
que no caricia
ni calienta,
ni sostiene.

Estoy dispuesta a ti,
para hacer lo que me pidas sin pensarlo dos veces,
y todo porque te quiero tanto.

Ahorra se lo que es sentir el dolor.
Ahorra se lo que es sentir el rencor,
Y ahorra se lo que es sentir la culpa.

Pero aqui me quedo sin duda,
esperando una luz,
o algo semejante,
para que yo sepa que todo lo mio,
y talves lo tuyo,
no se va a perder por el tiro de los vientos.

Day One

It all starts with that first goodbye,

the goodbye that never was,

the goodbye that was muted from my ears

and blinded from my sight.

I was never allowed the chance to hear his voice.
I was never given the opportunity
to see the face of that man,
to look into the eyes that I know resemble mine..
And he left before I had the chance to say hello,
before he knew that he helped my existence.

And so it all starts with that first goodbye,

where I was forced to ignore that part of my life from day one,

yet from that one day on,
I was strengthened
through the silent words and empty heart beats

and I learned just as she has,

to keep going,

to move on,

to learn and live.

I live now remembering that emptiness in my heart,
I live now wishing for a chance to fix the past,
I live now wondering why he left her without a second glance;

I live now knowing that it doesnt matter anymore.

All that matters is today;
this perfect moment,

this deep breath,

this beating heart,

this new chance for

this new life.

I am now living

I am living now

Empty Truth

When life goes on, day by day,
slowly,
as the hours tick away
mercilessly and incessantly,
I cannot bare how things have become.

I used to have it all
and there are those that look at me,
and see my smile as it exposes an invalid truth,
for it seems as though my world is safe,
for it seems as though I am alright.

But this smile that seems so warm and welcoming
blinds them from the real me;
this smile allows me to keep a distance
and shelter all the hidden truths,
the hidden pains,
the countless disappointments.

They say they care about me
but they cannot tolerate my heart,
they won't care to listen,
for my heart has too much sadness
and who wants to hear only stories of sadness?

If I were to share my stories,
the stories of love and loss,
the stories of life and death,
I would still be left alone
with empty words
and empty breaths.
I would still be trying to recapture
my self, a self that has been
blindly whispered into the winds,
roaming the earth
desperately seeking a truth
and finding nothing but empty air.

To Sleep Eternally

I was writing about life, about how my life is going, and all I could think of was wishing for death.

I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to hurt others.

I want to sleep eternally.

So as to not have to worry about tomorrow
So as to not have to worry about being left behind
So as to not have to worry about being forgotten
Just to forget myself, let myself go to the inhibitions of death, to the “welcome home” banner that waits for me in my grave because once there I will be Home.

To sleep eternally would mean no more sadness: no more great joys,
no more great loves, and most importantly,
no more being so sad when all those great things
are inevitably and undoubtedly
stripped away without notice.

No more surprises; I would not expect love to find me anymore.
No more tears; I would not expect love to escape me anymore.
No more anguish or pain; I would not expect anything aside from peace, just a beautiful rest.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If I were to die today, right now, I now I’d leave behind all the ones I love, but what does it matter when the one I love the most cannot even bare to look at me?
I have done him wrong.

And I am so sorry.
But what is the point of my hopelessly romantic existence if there is no hopeful romance? I have always given myself entirely to Love, broken down my barriers and revealed the most innocent, the most vulnerable “me”: The ‘me’ that only desires to be loved forever and ever.

But every time I have done that, I have been left with less and less of myself.

If I were to sleep forever and ever, love would be a concept unknown, just An ideal bound to something beyond my dreams, so that it would not matter for in my dreams it would not exist, and I could finally be at peace.
Oh, Love, how great you’ve been,
but how vicious and merciless as well.
You just enjoyed sucking the life right out of me,
didn’t you?

So Great a Love

Irreconcilable fear: Be still my heart, Yet the pain continues to ache, Continues to bury my hopes

Come back my love. I need you to be there beside me because you anchor me; You hold me, You help me. I need you more than I need myself.

I hold a Love so true, a Love so great, and it’s all for you. Never would I have guessed that I would feel so strongly, so longingly, so honestly, so great a love. And yet I do. Here I am: Baring it all once again, and I fear that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Please forgive me: Irreconcilable anguish. So much stillness when you’re gone, But my heart is not still; My heart won’t let me sleep. I yearn for my eyes to close, for a chance at bliss in my dreams, Yet my heart is not still and I still cannot sleep.

The hours choke my lungs strangling out the tears, and they come incessantly, viciously. I am held captive to the hours, to the lonely, miserable hours. They mercilessly cut into me, and I bleed sadness. Never would I have guess that I would feel so sad, so alone, so remorseful, because of so great a love.

I recount our endless, priceless memories. So beautiful. I ache knowing that there is a chance that all that beauty may disappear and leave in its wake darkness, only darkness. Please do not take away the light that makes me so happy.

So great a Love, you are so good to me. Please forgive me.

One more chance at Love is all I ask for. I will be good to you. I promise I will be good to you as sure as the sun will set on my past and a new sun will rise for our future. What a Glorious day that will be to see a newly rising sun; to see the meadows flourish and blossom with new daisies of tomorrows and forget-me-not’s.

I am waiting.

Nameless

January 5, 2010

The blood

has stained

the space

behind the open dumpster

and a white
hairclip
shaped like a
rose,
lies there,
broken.

Belleza del Alma

March 31, 2010

Belleza del Alma,
adonde te me fuiste?
Te esperare,
aunque este triste.
Tu luz
maravillosa
enciende entre
la oscuridad
de la noche.
Mi corazon
se siente terrible,
pero aqui
te esperare.. hasta la muerte.
No me importa,
si las horas
me rodean o me ahogan,
con este sentimiento
tan triste.
Aqui espero tu regreso
y te esperare
para siempre ...

Bliss.

December 2007

Do you see?

It's a blanket of Bliss falling from the sky.

Oh, How I wish to just melt into it,

Have it softly lay itself upon me,
Engulf me,

So that I may see the world through Blissful Eyes.

I could lay there for hours,
Become an Angel of the Snow,
Forget all the troubles,
and woes,
and sorrows,
and pains;
Be environed by Only Bliss.
As I lay there,
every snowflake upon my face
would become a
part of me.
And I'd dream for it,
and wish for it,
Until I become Pure Bliss,
and finally have
Eternal Peace.

Beautiful Demise

March 7, 2007

Ay! See how she sits properly
Staring warily, yet blissfully,
Out of the sun-soaked window.
With so many thoughts we’d die to know,
As her mind is riveting with care,
While she acknowledges the change in the air.
With a grace that cannot be compared,
She repositions herself in the chair.
The world as seen from the outside
Triggers something unseen on the inside
And this new light finds place in her eyes,
Twinkling with beautiful demise,
For she alone holds the meaning of life.