Departed

the living
walking
among the dead
snap
snap
snap
a picture
caught eternally as a frozen
moment
as they lie below
eternally asleep
as children laugh and frolick
above and through their
departed memories
and meek eulogies
on tombstones, so gray and cold.

Commissioned (original rap)

Stripped Away

A youth stripped away from his future;

Only twenty years old ,

crossing a creek of waters so cold,

drowning during his final adventure.

And the world goes on—

The plights and fights

Of love gone wrong,

When all that really matters is life,

Not the location of the party tonight,

or the whore you wouldn't dare dream of making your wife.

Death doesn’t discriminate

On gender, religion, race, or age.

When your time comes, you will come

Face to face 

With the Truth.

Will you know what to say in your final hour?

Will you be prepared in the proper armor?

A youth dancing with fire 

instead of planning for the future

Is Death’s favorite playground.

Get close enough and you burn,

stripped, naked and exposed. 

The young are so naïve sometimes,

Unaware, thinking that they have no ties

To the ground,

because their minds are 

always floating through the clouds.

But Death loves to surprise

And loves to visit in disguise.

As the angels' sorrows slowly rise,

The heavens open up and cry;

And although we may inherit the Kingdom

Too many have no care for it, nor its freedom,

Thinking there’s no chance they will die.  

Oh, but they continue to flirt with puppet-like lies

and blind away the life from their own eyes.

It is sad.

It is done.

A youth stripped away of his future,

while the remaining continue on. 

Pierce our hearts, 

O Mercy Divine. 

3:29 a.m.

I was dreaming...
your image floating , steady, like a breeze.
slowly, ever so, you were almost in full view.
rising, ever so, my heart against its cage,
and then, like a swift talon bringing death,
five gun shots
stole my dream away.
they reverberated against the walls;
loud and unforgiving.
Am I still dreaming?

panicked whispers
beat mercilessly through
my windowpane,
as the white snow
incessantly
falls like the rain,
and still, your love,
leaves me without gain.

I wondered, was anyone hurt?
A small gray car pulled away,
without urgency nor hushed efforts,
driving itself deeper into the dirt.

may God amend the perilous road.

Like You

Let me take this second to introduce myself,
I am a human like you, no more no less,
I'm here to help clarify some misconceptions,
and bring back all Honor and Glory in His Direction.
See Life, this one we have, was designed with perfection,
but the One who designed it gaves us freedom of selection:
To choose what we choose and live how we may,
knowing that His Vicotry is without condemnation.
See, I can readily speak with no hesitation,
words flowing, thoughts in easy cirulation,
but the reason behing this is Capital-T Truth         for the Nations.
See, with Him, there is no End, just Eternal Salvation.
But that freedom of choice is what allowed us to bring in Sin and evil,
We exposed our own nakedness back in the Garden of Eden:
Shame and pin befell
Our own disobedience led us straight to Hell,
but uh, I don't know if you've heard:
There is hope. And it lies in the Word.
Peace of mind, free from all binds,
not caught in the sands of time,
we are liberated in divine grace,
So, Redirect your attention and come to face these lines from Scripture:
With Him , in Him, and Of him, be more like Him,
continue no sin, show Him that you Love Him.
For the Love of money and greed has got you deceived,
So, Love your Neighbor and your Enemies.
If we really believe or our eyes are beginning to see,
then the latter is the reality we need to perceive.

I've come to realize that nothing is more important than Him.
That this life I hold in my hands was once drowning in Sin,
But because He came, Died, Resurrected, and will come Again,
My life belongs in His hands, His Viictory: My Win.
And It's a shame some don't know his Name and everything he's done,
He's healed the blind and the lame, and He died to make you His Son.
But pfft, what Do I know? I'm just a Human Like you.
But wait, ! He saved my life, and that is some pretty good news...

This Journey of Mine

I was slowly sinking into endless blackness,
heading for a road of dark and dim despair...
I felt like I had caged myself in,
sittin' and chillin' as I was sinnin',
and my mind went numb, my body caved in,
and something evil took over.
I was now somewhere I had never been.
So unhappy, so far away from the light, and
I went crazy , my mind raced with fear and and thought of no escape,
I had no ability to understand what was happening,
but all I knew was that I desperately wanted out,
tobefreefromthisthingthatwastryingtotake me.

As I cried inside and begged to have control again,
that was when, like a hand from above,
He spoke to me.
He held me.
He held me close to His heart and said that I would be okay.
He told me that I could choose the darkness or the light,
and I eagerly reached for the hopeful light,
and my eyes forever shut out the darkness.
I finally see with clarity how this journey goes,
and
My feet have been planted firmly on this road before me,
and with the light to guide me, I can start this new year of life--
this new year that I have been so mercifully blessed with.

I promise to never go back to the darkness.

Sweet Water,
Oh Sweet Water. You are always what I have needed.

And I thank that Hand for reaching out to me,
for helping me get up and keep walking.

Immobility in the Storms

I will make it through this storm--

although the winds are harsh and sharp against my wounds,
I will make it through whether you are there or not.

I can't turn off what I feel,
all the pain, the love, the pain,

the memories;

vivid in my mind
seared into my heart...
although
I scream inside, "No More!"--
what is there left for me to do?

I can't seem to move.

I close my eyes ,
but my heart can't forget your image
and my skin crawls at the thought of another.

Is this all there is for me?

Almost a prisoner,
without a desire to escape,
I can't seem to move.

Freedom

Betrayed
Beyond Repair
in more ways than flesh...
In spirit , in love,
all lies
just lies

A year to show me the truth
A year to pass by so I can see the truth;
the truth you were too afraid to tell.
But the truth always finds its way,

because "The Truth shall set you free"

and now,

because of the occluded life you lived,

that life of secrets that is no more,

I am free.

Freedom is Sweet--

for after the truth there is nothing left.

With nothing left, I can start to live

because now there is nothing to lose;

I have nothing to lose because you were never really mine,

Interesting that now you want to belong to me.

But, did you know--I don't want you anymore:

I choose my Freedom.

Sweet Deception

I was so naive,
I was deceived by your sweetness.
I was nothing more but your next prey
and my soul is now devoured completely.

I'm stuck in this fog
and I can't see what's in front of me,
I only know where I've been and where I came from;
And somehow, you're stuck here with me.

I try to break free from the cold winds,
but my lungs are constricted more and more
and the more I try to move forward into the blindness
the more I do not sway from where I am.

The ice has settled
and I am numb.

Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

A Prayer

My heart aches...
My eyes have run dry
from all the tears I've cried.

My soul clamors

and bangs

against my ribs,

against

the pangs

of my aching life

I wish I did so many things differently

What are my options?
Life
or Death;
either one can occur in just one breath.

Pop the pills or
Cut the wrists
and watch as the blood
spills,
out and away from you
and then you're healed of this life
that only ever caused you pain.

From day one, alone;
To this day, the same,

will things ever change?

I run to You
but I don't feel You anymore;
I pray for an answer..

Please show me what to do

to ease this pain,
the pain that has always been
the pain that speaks 'goodbye'
the pain that shrouds my eyes...

I always run back to You.

Don't let me fade into the darkeness;

Give me the strength to put the knife away,

to tuck it away in the corner of the cold drawer,
where the silence of my heart
won't ever again yearn its sharp death.

Alone,

huddled in the corners,
between despair and hope;

Grant me the mercy of Your Love,
Show me the Truth, I beg You;
Help me always rise above,
Show me how to live in You,
before he sweeps down
and takes me away from You . . .

A Love Forgotten

Chest constricted
Words restricted
I almost remember what you said
Hearts evicted
Love convicted
Your memory sealed in my head

Air corrupted
So nostalgic
My heart refuses the light of day
Eyes hidden
Smiles forbidden
I can't, I just can't, if it goes on this way

A love so battered
My heart is shattered
Who can save me now?
You will hear the clatter
as my life goes under
No one can save me now.

Corazones Violados

Siento tanto dolor en mi ser.

Estoy dispuesta y desnuda a tu corazon,
o a lo que te queda de corazon;
porque ahorra solo reconosco los pedasitos delicados.

Un corazon
hecho tan frajil,
quebradizado
derrumbado
aislado
Violado...

Un corazon hecho
como la malla,
que no proteje
ni la puerta
ni la ventana;
hecho de lana
que no caricia
ni calienta,
ni sostiene.

Estoy dispuesta a ti,
para hacer lo que me pidas sin pensarlo dos veces,
y todo porque te quiero tanto.

Ahorra se lo que es sentir el dolor.
Ahorra se lo que es sentir el rencor,
Y ahorra se lo que es sentir la culpa.

Pero aqui me quedo sin duda,
esperando una luz,
o algo semejante,
para que yo sepa que todo lo mio,
y talves lo tuyo,
no se va a perder por el tiro de los vientos.

Vile Eyes

Mutual understanding is the key;

If I am in this 100% of the way,

but you're on the side lines with a 'nay'

or with a 'I don't know what to say,'
then just don't be with me.

I'm in the most beautiful place in the world;

I'm experiencing the best time of my life,
and if you feel like
all you can contribute is strife,
then by all means, don't get in the way,
don't waste my time.

I was excited, ,
elated,
and thrilled,
to see your face again,
to hear your voice again.
And yet all you could say was
nothing,
killing me a little inside again,
making my heart slowly die again.

Your grunts of disappointment,
your stories of missed appointments...
Your empty stares and forced smiles,
your eyes have now turned vile...

adding extreme negation,
subtracting from my mood of elation

And yet,
I'm diverging from your disease,
because you see, "I'm doing me,"
and this life overseas
does more than please;

And it does so
in more ways
than you ever could

Empty Truth

When life goes on, day by day,
slowly,
as the hours tick away
mercilessly and incessantly,
I cannot bare how things have become.

I used to have it all
and there are those that look at me,
and see my smile as it exposes an invalid truth,
for it seems as though my world is safe,
for it seems as though I am alright.

But this smile that seems so warm and welcoming
blinds them from the real me;
this smile allows me to keep a distance
and shelter all the hidden truths,
the hidden pains,
the countless disappointments.

They say they care about me
but they cannot tolerate my heart,
they won't care to listen,
for my heart has too much sadness
and who wants to hear only stories of sadness?

If I were to share my stories,
the stories of love and loss,
the stories of life and death,
I would still be left alone
with empty words
and empty breaths.
I would still be trying to recapture
my self, a self that has been
blindly whispered into the winds,
roaming the earth
desperately seeking a truth
and finding nothing but empty air.

To Sleep Eternally

I was writing about life, about how my life is going, and all I could think of was wishing for death.

I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to hurt others.

I want to sleep eternally.

So as to not have to worry about tomorrow
So as to not have to worry about being left behind
So as to not have to worry about being forgotten
Just to forget myself, let myself go to the inhibitions of death, to the “welcome home” banner that waits for me in my grave because once there I will be Home.

To sleep eternally would mean no more sadness: no more great joys,
no more great loves, and most importantly,
no more being so sad when all those great things
are inevitably and undoubtedly
stripped away without notice.

No more surprises; I would not expect love to find me anymore.
No more tears; I would not expect love to escape me anymore.
No more anguish or pain; I would not expect anything aside from peace, just a beautiful rest.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If I were to die today, right now, I now I’d leave behind all the ones I love, but what does it matter when the one I love the most cannot even bare to look at me?
I have done him wrong.

And I am so sorry.
But what is the point of my hopelessly romantic existence if there is no hopeful romance? I have always given myself entirely to Love, broken down my barriers and revealed the most innocent, the most vulnerable “me”: The ‘me’ that only desires to be loved forever and ever.

But every time I have done that, I have been left with less and less of myself.

If I were to sleep forever and ever, love would be a concept unknown, just An ideal bound to something beyond my dreams, so that it would not matter for in my dreams it would not exist, and I could finally be at peace.
Oh, Love, how great you’ve been,
but how vicious and merciless as well.
You just enjoyed sucking the life right out of me,
didn’t you?

Nameless

January 5, 2010

The blood

has stained

the space

behind the open dumpster

and a white
hairclip
shaped like a
rose,
lies there,
broken.

A Day in the Life of a Journalist

January 8, 2010

You see this world for what it really is
At last you see the shine and the grime the dumpsters and the buildings the gambling and the bidding of young executives and of prostitutes that have been in the business for too long You see the endless trash the cars whether they speed or crash the pedestrians as they walk even if they are doing it all wrong speeding and stopping halting and flaunting but they never do it right Next thing you hear are the sounds of the night the repetitive drawls of bus engines starting and breaking down the numerous shouts of drunk teens as they lose function of their motor skills the subtle quick inhalations of the smoker late for a meeting in town and the whispered prayers of the homeless as they hope to endure the winter chills
You read the headlines stories all just stories You read faces more stories to be told You read the nutritional information on the side of some menu there is no story there There are stories on the street but all you do is walk on
This morning I saw an accident Or the remains of the accident An ambulance in all its glory and the streets shouting a story There was Blood yet the doors to the vehicle were shut and I could not get Lady Gaga’s song out of my head but something inside knew the story before me would go on unsaid
You are now passing an electronics store with windows that run for miles and each television you can see has Tiger Woods and the list of his whores that runs for miles You see some people stop and stare and comment and shake their heads disapprovingly and you walk on that story should have been left unsaid
About one o’clock now your stomach grumbles and you hunger for a satisfying bite No need to fight the urge you want a burger a cheeseburger or maybe you feel wild and you want a double cheeseburger to surge in you and last until dinner later that night You know not to indulge though because the nutritional value of such a thing would be horrendous and you would then have to surrender to a gym membership Besides if you had that burger the homeless would still go hungry
You leave temptation and you are now on 10th An elderly woman is crossing the street and you feel like you should help and as you proceed you notice your shoe is untied and you let the moment of putting others first pass you by O why O why was your shoe untied at that exact moment in time She walked on leaving you behind and you are bent down tying and untying and retying and just tying away all your precious time
Now you walk on across the city to the riverside You pass by streets of stores just stores merchandise that are pointless and useless like a Snuggie as seen on t v or merchandise that are useful but unexplainably expensive like a pair of gloves or earmuffs You wonder whether you should buy some because of the winter chills you must endure It’s a test of endurance we all must face Yet you walk on
You pass by payphones and remember that talk you had with your grandfather when he was telling you about how in his day there were no such things as telephones so you had to make personal house calls if any story was to be told You pass by an empty shopping cart tied to a hydrant You pass by a pair of sneakers hanging from the telephone wires You pass by a bar and suddenly the street lights go on
From the street you can hear the roar of the soccer game as it plays on the flat screen t v inside the bar You can hear the grunts of disgruntled men who are sipping away their sorrows You can almost feel the pinches that the waitresses are receiving as they pass by the disgruntled men You see that one of those men happen to be a co-worker but you walk on because there is no story to share between you and him But a bar fight breaks loose and you are inclined to stay and see if there is a story
The chills the skills the town this place of no ups only downs this bar the lights shine eerily on the car you see you hear you feel the first punch the crack of the first jaw and the wobble in your knees This story might be one to please your boss But you walk on

You refuse to be a prostitute

a sad story

Angel

March 2, 2010

The Angels are coming
to take you
away,
away from here,
away from us.
They told me
to tell you,
that everything is alright.
We will mourn,
but we will also
rejoice;
For then, you will be
an Angel
among angels.

Facing Death with Grace

Have you ever looked out your window and noticed all the lives around you? Have you ever thought about the fact that we may not all be here tomorrow? A young boy of seventeen has had to face that fact sooner than he should have, at least in my perspective. His mother passed away from cancer of the breast, liver, and brain. His mother was 42 years old, with plenty of deserved life left to her, and yet, the cancer got the best of her.

His mother was a very religious woman. She loved God, and everything to do with God, more than anyone I have ever met. She was also one of the sweetest women I have ever met. This woman was dedicated to her faith and was dedicated to showing and living that faith with her only son and her beloved husband. It pains my heart knowing that this young boy, a senior in high school, will not have his mother physically present for his graduations, for his wedding, and for the birth of his first child.

So, where is God in all of this? Where is the Almighty Savior that said, “You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it” (John 14:14)? I have prayed that his mother may not undergo physical suffering, but there was the excruciating chemotherapy. I know that her son and her husband have prayed more than I have, praying for her to stay on earth with them. I know that the young boy was living with never-ending hope that she would make it through. And yet, when his father sat him down and told him that his mother would undoubtedly pass away, the young boy was so broken by the news that he cried and cried. I know that they are going through probably the most difficult time of their lives. And I know that there is nothing I can do or say to ease their suffering.

But God, he who creates and ends all things, can. Jesus says “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house there are many rooms… I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am” (John 14:1-4).

In Jesus, there is eternal support and love—both for those that have passed and for those that will someday be with Him in the Kingdom of God. The young boy knows deep in his heart that he will get through this and that he can get through this with God at his side. For when we undergo our darkest hours, we may feel as if we are walking alone in the world, yet the truth is that it is God who carries us through to the light.

*Image provided by: http://alijohnson.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/grace_candle_logo2.jpg