Farewell

You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Acts 15:29

I was thinking about a man that I love so tenderly, that I have put all my energy into loving so honestly. And I was getting sad and frustrated and angry at the fact that he doesn’t reciprocate. And so I turned to God—which I haven’t done in a while. I leaned over my pillow to grab my Bible. I dusted it off and with thoughts of this man in my head, I opened the Holy Book to any random page. And the first things my eyes set themselves on was the simple one-worded command, “Farewell.” Then the line above “You will do well to avoid these things.” Could God have been any clearer? I KNOW that God has finally given me a clear direct answer with my situation—probably because He finally sees how stubborn I am with indirect answers. How manipulative I can be if something isn’t straightforward and accommodated to my situation. And, now, here I am, with this amazing advice from above—with this perfect advice that will probably help me in more ways than I can imagine—and I am simply scared at the thought of saying ‘goodbye.’ I’ve had to say goodbye before, and I thought I was doing pretty well—until that man that I love so tenderly just surprised me with a ‘hello’ out of nowhere. And then the conversation of love continued, or so I thought; because just as quickly as he surprised me with a ‘hello,’ he attacked me with a ‘goodbye.’ And here I am, miles away from him, alone, with my heart on my sleeve, bleeding. No one will ever come to understand the amount of love that I hold for this man. Not even him: because if he really knew how much I loved him, he wouldn’t be so eager to say ‘goodbye.’ I would do anything for him, in a heartbeat, even at the cost of my heartbeat. As I sit here and let the words of the Lord sink into my heart, I am torn emotionally. I know, I FINALLY know, what to do. But I don’t know how to justify it to my heart. My heart is telling me, “What? Wait, things were getting better… Don’t worry, He will love you again!” and then it’s also trying to tell me, “Well, okay. Obviously: listen to God. He knows. But maybe, this farewell is only temporary… maybe he will love you again later on. Who knows?” And you know what, no one really knows: except God. So, I think I will say my farewell. I will not speak to the man that I love with all my heart. I am saying farewell now… And if he finally realizes what I want him to realize (even if it takes a year), then great; Then, maybe we can be together again. But that is not the only thing I will be waiting for: actually, I will not be waiting; if he doesn’t realize anything after a year’s time, hopefully I will have been healed by then and can go on living my life. My heart will still hold feelings for him, but I cannot and I will not be made a fool of any longer. I have spent over 7 months trying to show him that I can be trusted again—EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DID ANYTHING PURPOSEFULLY TO HURT HIM—and I have definitely showed him that I can be trusted again. He just insists on being stubborn and weak-minded and fickle in his decisions. And so, I will no longer be tormented by thoughts of waiting for his approval, or of just waiting for him. There’s so much pain in saying ‘farewell,’ but sometimes, farewell’s can lead to new hello’s. There’s so much pain in this world, I see it all the time: because people have been hurt so much by love. Love can be the greatest thing, but it is also the swiftest, stealthiest, and deadliest killer.
My heart aches, my tears have dried, and here I am, saying goodbye.
And I finally know that it’s the right thing to do.

Chained to Love

Regardless of the distance that is physically between
My heart is still tied down to your love

It can't break free

It can't fly away
And It doesn't even want to . . .

This Love and this Fire

That Burns Through me

Can't be tamed by new winds

or the oceans between
Because neither the sky nor the sea
Can break the hold you have on me.

Your love, so beautiful
so dangerous, so precious,
so consuming, so delirious,
so incandescent and serious,

has changed me

and has become
something I can't live without.

Though I'm terrified
of what may come to be,
Your love and your memory
have become ingrained in me
to the point where
your chains are what have set me free.

Burning

One day , and everything can change
Two hours, and nothing left remains
Three words, where's my strength?
Are we really doing this again?

No one knows our story
No one sees the victory
No one feels the pain to be apart
No one hears my crying heart

The more I love you
The more I drown inside
inside the memories
inside the past
so deep down
lost
with no escape

Burning,
My heart is burning,
Consumed,
On fire,
for the love that no one understands,
not even us.

No matter the distance between
Or how many different routines,
My heart always clings to your hand,
Because I love you more than you can
ever come to understand.

This isn't as crazy as it seems.
Trust me. Please.

So, tell me one thing:
Where are you now?

A Prayer

My heart aches...
My eyes have run dry
from all the tears I've cried.

My soul clamors

and bangs

against my ribs,

against

the pangs

of my aching life

I wish I did so many things differently

What are my options?
Life
or Death;
either one can occur in just one breath.

Pop the pills or
Cut the wrists
and watch as the blood
spills,
out and away from you
and then you're healed of this life
that only ever caused you pain.

From day one, alone;
To this day, the same,

will things ever change?

I run to You
but I don't feel You anymore;
I pray for an answer..

Please show me what to do

to ease this pain,
the pain that has always been
the pain that speaks 'goodbye'
the pain that shrouds my eyes...

I always run back to You.

Don't let me fade into the darkeness;

Give me the strength to put the knife away,

to tuck it away in the corner of the cold drawer,
where the silence of my heart
won't ever again yearn its sharp death.

Alone,

huddled in the corners,
between despair and hope;

Grant me the mercy of Your Love,
Show me the Truth, I beg You;
Help me always rise above,
Show me how to live in You,
before he sweeps down
and takes me away from You . . .

A Love Forgotten

Chest constricted
Words restricted
I almost remember what you said
Hearts evicted
Love convicted
Your memory sealed in my head

Air corrupted
So nostalgic
My heart refuses the light of day
Eyes hidden
Smiles forbidden
I can't, I just can't, if it goes on this way

A love so battered
My heart is shattered
Who can save me now?
You will hear the clatter
as my life goes under
No one can save me now.

Speechless Love

What is there to say when the miles in between our hearts are manifested more than just physically?
You tell me day after day that you ache for my presence, for my touch, for my kiss...
Yet, you deny me the right to any happiness because
you rip it all away the moment you ossilate in between the 'yes' and 'no';
Ofcourse, I should know better, because all you've ever been
is something in between a solid answer or a definite denial;
you've always been the middle ground that leads me nowhere.

How I wish that with every word I write, your spite and strife

your pain and might

would just erase themselves from my life...

How I wish that with every word I write, my joy my sanity

my love for humanity

would just blossom once more, out and away from your uncertainty...

How I wish that with every word I write, my soul and my eyes

my heart and my lies
would close themselves from you and breath in a new demise...

No matter how much distance comes between us,
no matter how much time seems to stand still
or how much time seems to prolong the process of healing,
there is still pain
there is still remorse
there is still regret

there is still uncertainty

No matter how much may change , you will always stay the same.
And I think I finally figured that out.

Away from your words, your heart, your touch, your kiss--a miracle has happened within my being; I want to be free. From you.

Flores Encantadoras

Tus Flores Encantadoras
Promesas llenas de fragancia;
Una suave brisa
que acaricia y embriaga

Aqui estoy desesperada
ajuntada y sellada,
con tu quemadura
fuerte de amor.
Aqui estoy respirando
el aire viejo,
y a lo lento
ya no siento
tu valor.

No sabes lo que me haces
quando no estas de cerca.
Quando no te escucho los pasos,
mi corazon no palpita.
Es porque me faltas tu
que la vida se me pierde.

Como al vidrio quebradizado,
estoy mirando un reflejo
que no es semejante de lo que fui.
Como al vidrio destrozado,
me miro y pienso
adonde se fue todo de mi.

Unge mi alma de tus promesas fragantes,
para que el llanto se aleje di mi corazon creciente,
para que el canto de un 'si' se une a mi;
para que el dolor y desafio no me paraliza en lo frio
para que el amor de mi vida se siente bienvenida
y todo esto a rodillas lo pido a ti.

Era blanca y pura
esa primera rosa;
Veremos si a los años
la encontraremos
igual asi...

Corazones Violados

Siento tanto dolor en mi ser.

Estoy dispuesta y desnuda a tu corazon,
o a lo que te queda de corazon;
porque ahorra solo reconosco los pedasitos delicados.

Un corazon
hecho tan frajil,
quebradizado
derrumbado
aislado
Violado...

Un corazon hecho
como la malla,
que no proteje
ni la puerta
ni la ventana;
hecho de lana
que no caricia
ni calienta,
ni sostiene.

Estoy dispuesta a ti,
para hacer lo que me pidas sin pensarlo dos veces,
y todo porque te quiero tanto.

Ahorra se lo que es sentir el dolor.
Ahorra se lo que es sentir el rencor,
Y ahorra se lo que es sentir la culpa.

Pero aqui me quedo sin duda,
esperando una luz,
o algo semejante,
para que yo sepa que todo lo mio,
y talves lo tuyo,
no se va a perder por el tiro de los vientos.

Vile Eyes

Mutual understanding is the key;

If I am in this 100% of the way,

but you're on the side lines with a 'nay'

or with a 'I don't know what to say,'
then just don't be with me.

I'm in the most beautiful place in the world;

I'm experiencing the best time of my life,
and if you feel like
all you can contribute is strife,
then by all means, don't get in the way,
don't waste my time.

I was excited, ,
elated,
and thrilled,
to see your face again,
to hear your voice again.
And yet all you could say was
nothing,
killing me a little inside again,
making my heart slowly die again.

Your grunts of disappointment,
your stories of missed appointments...
Your empty stares and forced smiles,
your eyes have now turned vile...

adding extreme negation,
subtracting from my mood of elation

And yet,
I'm diverging from your disease,
because you see, "I'm doing me,"
and this life overseas
does more than please;

And it does so
in more ways
than you ever could

On top of the World

What is there to say when your breath is stolen away.

On top of the world,

the eyes rejoice in such beauty but the voice becomes silenced.

No words can truly capture what it means to be majestical...

And on top of the world,

majesty and beauty and silence reign,

as the heart beats in rhythm

to the immensity of nature.

The breezes of the sea

are forced into me,

and the sensation is comforting.
With this new breath of life,
my body is no longer simply mine;
no longer simply an entity

on top of world--rather,

it is as if the world has fused with me

and shown me

how beautiful it can be

to rejoice in the silent,

and simply accept the beauty.

On top of the world, where the horizon kisses the sky,
where the curve of the earth is visible to the naked eye,
where my heart rejoices as I die a little inside--
dying from all this beauty that my fragile heart can not contain.
Whether it is due to the fading sun or the beginning rains,
My chest swells, rising with the waves set before me,
falling just as the waves crash desperately,
trying to invade the shore,
and I can no longer ignore
my palpitating heart,
for it beats vigorously
because
the intensity,
the immensity,
of being
on top of the world,
it just too much to contain.

as the sun fades away and new day awaits

May this beauty forever reign